Why is barren a dirty word?

It's that time of year again! NIAW 2017 - National Infertility Awareness Week. I am grateful to RESOLVE for having created the safe space for us to reach out to each other and empower each other. In my first post yesterday I called myself barren and someone pointed out to me that barren is a word that is associated with being devalued, and that is very true and something I would love to address.

There is not a good word to use for those of us who are living and have lived through infertility: barren, infertile, childless? None of those words are "acceptable" in society, they all have negative connotations. Rob Bell once talked about reclaiming words, like when the word God or religion rubs you the wrong way due to a bad experience in your life. I'm OK with reclaiming the word barren. It is used to describe some amazing matriarchs in the Bible. These women were a source of solace and inspiration during my darkest hours. Barren does not have to mean useless or empty. For me, it just means that there is something in my life that will always be missing, I acknowledge it, and have learned to not just live with it but embrace it. I also want to acknowledge it even though the word makes others uncomfortable or because they might think I am dwelling on what I don't have. Our journey through infertility has given me something that I might not have necessarily found for myself, I learned to prioritize myself and not think of it as being selfishness but an act of love to myself and those around me. I learned during treatment, and afterwards when I was healing physically and mentally, that I have little to give if I don't first replenish my needs.

Infertile is not any better than barren and it doesn't have the rich heritage that the word barren does. During treatment, I shuttered at even hearing the word childless, I felt that if I thought of that word even for a second that I was jinxing myself, or "giving up." Obviously now I feel different about the word, and have also learned to reclaim it and I often refer to my husband and I as either childless or childfree.

This is part of the conversation for this week, we want others to listen to our stories and not think of us with pity.  Infertility is a grief that has no greeting card you can send. (Well... actually there is this one website: https://www.ttcgreetingcards.com/cards) It would be great if when someone is so indelicate as to ask if I have children to be prepared for the answer that I will give: "No, I can't have them, and adoption is not for us."

We are the other side of the coin, the one that people don't want to acknowledge is there because it's not the average story. It makes others uncomfortable with the realization that they are lucky to have what others could only dream of. Let's break that stigma, and add a little more empathy in the world this week.

I am barren AND I am loved, empowered, a child of God with so much to give.

Medicine or Voodoo?

I have resentments from my years of attempting to "fix" my infertility. I know my husband does as well. I tried very hard for a long time to not fault anyone and blame a particular doctor, during the treatment because it wasn't going to be very helpful or productive. I personally have been an advocate for better patient care since I was in undergrad. It is something I am passionate about. It sounds very broad, but it is my driving force for all the career decisions I make.... but I never really thought about my own care.
I believe I am decent advocate for my own health, doing my own research and speaking up when I am uncomfortable with something, or asking about alternative treatment options. But for the most part I removed myself from my passion because I didn't fight for me, I fight for others, it's what I am best at. With time having past and my continued work towards healing I found myself thinking about my own extensive healthcare experience thus far in my life.

I realized that my treatment felt like a trial and error, like a voodoo science kind of thing. I know from my education and research that the medical community can do better. I am incredibly passionate about personalized medicine, I think in part, because I wish it had been a real option for me during treatment.

Having visited 3 different reproductive endocrinologist clinics, I felt like all three had the same approach: Step one: Does she have all the plumbing working properly?, Yes, good. Step two: What do we think she has? PCOS, yeah sounds about right, ok moving on, Step 3: Start with treatment option A, that fails after a few months, then option B, then C... etc until she gets pregnant. Period. (No pun intended)

And I am sure this is not the only condition this reasoning is used for, maybe not exactly but for Depression, Anxiety, Adult Onset Diabetes, Migraines... Its a stab in the dark until something sticks. 

The reason I have a problem with that is because they are attempting to resolve the immediate issue, which in my case was barrenness. There was little regard for my own health and the risks taken were my own to bear. 

I would have preferred that they work harder on identifying WHY I was barren, and not just making assumptions based on past diagnosis and minor work ups. If you are looking for PCOS, you will find it, and that was reason enough for them as a cause. What about how I was responding to the medication? How about family history? Medicine as a means to an end, instead of treating the WHOLE patient, especially in something as emotionally charged as infertility is just cruel. And of course, there is the cost of it all, if you really want to treat the whole patient you need: an RE, psychologist, nutritionist, meditation/yoga classes, couples therapy, time off.... the costs are exorbitant, all for the privilege of having your body do the main function that it was created to do... reproduce. How humiliating is that? I think those of us that have gone through this become numb to that feeling, constantly having to strip down and spread our legs to whomever comes through the door, being poked, prodded, stabbed.. the whole thing is traumatizing, degrading, and then to not have anything to show for it?! 

I digress... the point of my post is that we deserve better. As patients, as humans, we deserve better care, we deserve for the medical community to find a better way to treat the barren. I feel for those who are given the awful diagnosis of Undiagnosed Infertility.What is that? How unfair to be deprived of having a child, and being told "we don't know what is wrong with you or how to fix it?" 

We can do better.... we must do better. The mindset needs to change, the humanity needs to be brought back into the practice of healing the human body. 

Deja Vu... Infertility SUCKS

I have talked about the burden of the home we own on previous posts. We have been trying to sell this house for 7 months now, in a sellers market, with what we have been told is an "easily sellable" house. Updated, beautiful, good neighborhood, etc. And you know what? We have had two contracts fall through for different reasons, mostly not having to do with the house itself, just bad luck. And yet, I see houses all around me pop up and be sold quickly.... sound familiar?
I remember being told that my infertility was going to be an easy fix, and that I would be pregnant in no time, and yet, time went on, and things weren't happening, and every new treatment felt like, it was it that time. In the meantime, I felt that pregnancy was happening all around me, even in the unlikely of places.
This feels like deja vu.... no, you know what? Today, in this moment, it feels like I'm cursed. Like the one thing I had wanted more than anything in the world and can't have, is going to haunt me, and taunt me for the rest of my life. And any move I make to try to regain my life, will keep throwing me back into the 4 worst years of my life. I feel like I will never escape, and that my optimism, faith, and hope for a better life is not going to be enough. There is only so many fake smiles, and "looking on the bright sides" that I have left in me, and right now, I am all out.
My life sucks right now and I feel like there isn't going to be a better tomorrow. And even if there is, I don't have the energy to hope for that future. Right now, today, IT SUCKS...

On Creativity

I am reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have recently decided that she and I are made of the same stuff. I hear her talks and read her work and it's like she wrote it for me, to wake me up. And well, she IS best friends with Rob Bell who we all know I adore and wish he were my friend too!

I feel like my subconscious is so intense that it taps into something like the Speed Force, but instead it's the Creative Force. When I am asleep and my mind is allowed to wander, it wanders into the invisible world where the ideas live and it picks one or two up to read and recreates them in my mind.  It's like I'm a lightning rod. Most ideas are incomplete because they haven't found their partner which is why the story never seems to end. I tend to pick up things that are perhaps relevant to my life, or things that resonate with my mood and most prominent feelings of the day or week. By the way, this also happened to be how I decide which book to read or buy.

I have  a difficult time accepting that I am a creative being and what that means for me. But I have felt that tingling feeling, hairs on end, stomach knotting, anxiety and thrill of being hit by an idea, it's just that they always seems so marvelous that I couldn't possibly bring it to life.

I am hoping that while reading Big Magic I will be able to untangle myself from the fear, self doubt and lost sense of self so that I can be open and available for when an idea finds me again. I would love nothing more than to feel that again and to take on something beautiful.

"You will have many 'children'"

I'm a big fan of Rob Bell's work. I went to an event of his called "How to be Here" this past spring and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life (forgive me if I have told this story before, I need to hear it from myself today). Not because I got to meet this amazing person whom I admire and respect, though that was cool, but because I had the courage to speak in front of this group of 100+ strangers and tell my story. Granted, it was among half sobs, and with nerves and adrenaline coursing through my body. I remember saying: "After having gone through years of failed treatment, my husband and I have decided to live childless. And we are ok with that decision. But [in your book] you are talking about how to manage your energy when you have a lot going on, but what I am struggling with is what to do with all the energy I have and no where to put it. I was going to be a mom, and now we have this ... space... and I am terrified of it, and don't know what to do with it."
I remember him complimenting my purple hair, and then telling me he was sorry. He also said, I have this prayer that I say when I feel lost and in need of guidance, I say "Show Me." That's it, that's the prayer. And then he looked at me, his eyes filled with compassion and said "You will have MANY 'children.'"
Afterward during the break and for the rest of the event, I was approached by many people, older couples, and women who went through a similar situation and decided to live childless. I remember the older woman with tears brimming in her eyes that took my hands and said "me too." And I hugged her and said thank you. And the older gentleman who told me he and his wife have lived childless for 40 years after failed treatments and they got on with their lives and they are happy. He said "you can be happy." I believe him.

I recently been hearing in my head Rob Bell's sentence "You will have many 'children.'" I put it in quotations because I know that he didn't mean literal children, he's not a prophet that is foreseeing the future, or an angel of the Lord making me a promise. I know he means projects and people that I will pour love over and love as my own. But until recently I think I have been feeling like it HAS to be children. Since I don't have my own, and I wanted my own for so long, my responsibility is to devote my extra energy in other children, children in need. But that's the funny thing about these paths that the Lord has made for us, we tend to think that we know what the Lord wants us to do, instead of listening to what he really wants us to do. A lot of times what I think is the Lord's demands of me, are really society's pressure on my situation. I know today that it's not. How I know, I'm not sure, it's one of those trans-rational things in my subconscience or what have you that tell me that I am projecting my own guilt and feeling the pressure of society as a childless woman and thinking that I still have a responsibility to children in need. Perhaps one day I will do something to help those children, but that is not quite what I am feeling is my purpose. I can't force myself to want to open an orphanage, or foster children, or go into teaching to fill the void my childlessness has left me. It's just not there.

My passion continues to lie in patient care, in utilizing science for the betterment of medicine, making sure the right medicine gets to the right people, that the right information gets to the right patients.

Someone I love is imminently dying of cancer right now, because we haven't figured out how to cure her cancer, how to stop it from spreading....

"My children" may not be children that I care for directly... they may be young and old, and everything in between. People's lives that I want to help make better by throwing in all my love and passion into my belief in science and humanity.  That is what rings true in my heart today.

Waiting for something amazing! Part II

We love going to trivia, and we are always struggling to find a clever and nerdy team name to use. But lately my husband, without talking to me about it, has started using the team name "Something Amazing." Its our own little inside secret, only we know what it's about and I LOVE that he took it upon himself to take ownership of this phrase. It also made me really think about what this blog means to me, and our life.

This life is something amazing! We live every day searching for the beauty and awe of the day, for the blessings big and small that appear in the most unpredictable places.

The fact that we are now team "Something Amazing" means to me that we have taken this life that was once broken and painful, and we are rebuilding it to be our own, to find joy and things that amaze us and gladden our hearts, to fill our days. We don't care what others think about what we are creating together, as long as it makes us happy and helps us heal and grow and enjoy life.

This blog will continue to be about an infertility survivor, servant of God, who's current resolution is to live childless, with the man she loves. I will blog about my struggles as I find myself, as I wait for the answer to the prayer I say everyday "Show Me!" Show me what I am going to do with this life, but I am not waiting for the answer, standing still, no... I am waiting and in the meantime I will continue to enjoy all the amazing, wonderful moments that we will create and live together that form our lives. Living with gratitude, joy, love, and compassion for the glory of our Creator who makes all things new, even these broken hearts. 

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I was going to write: Chapter 1: but that would mean that all that was lived was a closed book, as we say in Spanish "punto y aparte" "period and new paragraph" but that doesn't feel right. I do not want to separate who I am from that painful chapter in our lives. We call ourselves "survivors" but I am still surviving it, every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of ours lives. Its who we are. Its who I am. So, no, this is not Chapter 1, this is...

Part II:
I have been contemplating self discipline thanks to Gretchen Rubin, Elizabeth Gilbert and Rob Bell. I am slightly obsessive compulsive and I like to do "what feels right." I rely a lot on feeling and mood, and not so much on "shoulds and woulds" and YET! I definitely guilt myself with "woulds and shoulds." (I am an Obliger) Part of this process has involved eliminating things that "do not serve me" and I have relied a lot on how I feel about things, people, habits, and it has worked out for me so far. But now I have eliminated so much that now I have room for new things, and I want them to be healthy, and to serve me, so I may serve God...  the possibilities are daunting. I realize that I have never really worked to have self discipline because I rely on my character to get things done, as an Obliger, I do things in service of others and that is enough to motivate me to get things done, but I do not worry about things that I need. So in this space I want to fill some of it with what I need.

I have been thinking a lot about "Fixed-Hour Prayer" and how that may help me support my faith. I have pretty much stopped going to church. I never did find a community where I felt I belonged, and I did not find a church with a good Adult Christian Education program that I felt served me. I still love my church, and my denomination and continue to identify with them, but for now, I just need to keep my faith fed. I thought this might be a good idea. I love tradition, but am not much for ritual, despite my upbringing as a Catholic. For this practice I will need self discipline. I have also found great value and goodness in yoga. It serves my body, and helps strengthen it, and it also feeds my soul and calms my mind. It too is a practice and I think I would gain a lot by using it as a practice, as it is intended and not just a thing I do sometimes to ease my guilt or physical aches. Both of these require self discipline and both I think would do me much good.

Here's what I have figured out about myself regarding these two practices... the "fear of missing out" is what keeps me from doing it. I want to be available at all times for anything and be available to help someone else with what they may need, because that's "more important" in my obliger mind. If I think it through the way my therapist will want me to, I will acknowledge this has yet to be the case, and I waste a lot of time literally staring at the wall, or my phone, processing the day as it happens or my own existence, its like my own life voiceover, but I worry that it can be destructive. I think prayer may help guide that contemplation, and help me get out of my own head for a while. I have had many revelations during yoga, and prayer before, all constructive and healthy, and my hope is that this will be a kinder way to show myself some self love while allowing myself that internal contemplation that is so characteristically me.

New Truth

My husband and I have fully embraced our new journey of living childless. Our hearts reached the decision in silence on our own, until one day, one of us was brave enough to speak it out loud to the other. Since then we have worked together to make sure there are no regrets, resentments or doubts about what we have chosen for ourselves, and trust me we were thorough. I am the kind of person that can talk an issue to death, and my husband is the kind of person to make up his mind in a millisecond, so we may have worked over the issue more than he wanted but as much as I needed.
We are in the processes of selling that house with all the dreams and that other life that is hard to even remember sometimes. We are talking about new futures, plans and goals. This is our new truth.
But here's the thing, I struggled with accepting it because I kept wondering about those other moments when that felt like the truth of the moment. What about when I felt like there was no sacrifice too small to become a mother? or what about that day when I felt the universe was trying to tell me that adoption was the way to go? ....or what about the day when I felt in my bones that this was all my fault and that I was doing everything wrong? ... or even worse, the time I was sure my husband would be happier if he left me so he could still have a chance at a family?
All of those were truths to me at one point. Some darker than others. They all felt real, and in that moment in that time, they were. It does not take away their value, because each of those truths were part of the process that I had to go through to get to where I am today.
I said at the very beginning of all of this, what I seek is peace with this journey, not a child, not a "solution"... but peace. And this moment, this journey, feels like more peace than I have felt in a long time. And yet, I doesn't stop hurting.

Father's Day is around the corner, and I can't help but feel that pain that you feel in your chest when you know someone you love is feeling left out and hurting... My protectiveness goes into full gear and I want to make sure he is ok. But if he is not, that is ok too. He is allowed to feel whatever this day may feel for him and its ok if its different than my pain on Mother's day.

This is our new Truth, and we will embrace it, struggle with it, and be strengthened by it, every day.

Finding courage to finish my thoughts

There are a few posts that I started and lost the courage and strength to finish it. I have decided to revisit those posts and combine them here As I read through them I realize together they are a complete post. I have had time to sit with these ideas and feelings and I don't like making decisions out of fear, much less leaving things unfinished, so here I go.

This post was called: So much more than being a mother. I started it in October 2015. Here is what I had written at that point: 

I have been thinking a lot about why infertility still hurts. I no longer feel a horrible hollowness when I am around children, I feel awkward cause I have protected myself from the sadness that being around children caused for so long that I feel like my interactions with children are robotic and skiddish. But still, when I think about what I am going to do with my life and realize I am in this tailspin because of what we have gone through I get upset and the unfairness of it all hits me again. In a conversation with my husband the other day I realized that if we decide to stay childless that we would not go through that growth period of becoming parents and learning about selflessness, to set aside everything for someone who depends on you so absolutely. That fear and awe of being everything to a small child. For parents, its an external motivation, your child, but for those of us who don't have an external motivation, how do we obtain that growth?

This post was called: When I need feminism the most. I started it in December 2015. 

There is one thing that I have been genuinely afraid of talking about on this blog. I am afraid of talking about a life without children. I fear judgement, disappointment, outrage, pity... I have recently come across a blog called TheNotMom.com
They recently had a summit with women who are childless by choice and by chance as they say. When I learned about it I really wanted to go, but I couldn't gather the courage.. what would I tell my family? My friends? I wouldn't post about it on social media for fear of judgement. I lost the courage and decided not to go. Maybe some of the judgement I fear is in my head as much as it is in society, but a recent article I read on the website tells me there may be some truth in my apprehension and that I'm not entirely paranoid, the writer says "I believe that we can talk about women’s lives in ways that broaden the idea of what a fulfilled female experience looks like!"
Let's be honest, when we think of fulfilled lives of women, it has to include a husband and children, and then she will be complete. This is where I feel feminism hasn't made enough progress, or at least the progress that affects me directly. I don't want to feel that fear, or that pressure that if I do not exhaust all resources, or if we decide not to adopt, that I am not a complete woman, I am not fulfilling my destiny. I also don't want to have to surround myself with childless by choice women who tend to kid-bash and judge other women who do decide that they want to be mothers no matter what.
In my perfect world, women will be friends no matter their family status and their feelings on children. In this perfect world, there will be no kid-bashing, shaming for being childless,

Fast forward to today, March 2016: 

All of this still rings true for me. I realize that I lacked the courage to complete and submit these posts then because I was afraid of what others might think or say to us about considering living childless... because I hear them in my own doubts and thoughts. But this is part of that issue that I think God is working out in me, that perfect plan that doesn't deviate or change, that I can write out in permanent marker with a timeline and due dates. I need to accept that it is ok if the plan changes. This is my reality right now.... isn't that what reality means? "What is true right now." This is what is true for me and I don't need anyone's validation.It is such a blessing that my husband and I are on the same page his is the only validation I need. This is not a decision to make alone, but I have never been alone. Some how we have managed to keep pace throughout this journey and we have reached this same point together. When we disagreed it was because I was holding on to the white picket fence dream with tooth and nail.

Sometimes I feel like I can hear people's thoughts... "this is how you feel now, but things will change." It's what I used to think of young women who had decided to not be mothers. Shame on me.

So I am trading in my permanent marker for some sidewalk chalk that can be washed away by God's rain so that I can start over, wherever I am. Here I am Lord. Do with my life as you will. My Rock and my Redeemer.

Reinvisioning Christmas

December 22, 2015

I have struggled with Christmas for a few years now, even before we started treatment. I have had trouble feeling the true purpose of Christmas amid the noise, unrelated traditions, and consumerism that surrounds this time of year. It's like trying to have an important heartfelt conversation in the middle of a busy mall with obnoxious music blaring, people rushing around and hitting me with their shopping bags. I can't hear what the conversation is suppose to be about but I know it's important. And then there are the others around me trying to pull me away from the conversation because the conversation isn't important to them....
I try to find purpose in the story, the birth of the Savior... but the songs and the story talk about the birth of the long awaited child, of Mary full with child, Mary seeing her baby for the first time.... and as you can imagine, I can't. I wish I could detach my story from Mary's, but when it comes to faith, my emotions are the eyes with which I see and understand.
I need to find a different approach to Christmas. I want to be able engage in the anticipation of Advent and with the joy surrounding the season.
I was reading a devotional today with my favorite scripture for the season:
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was in the beginning with God. ³All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being ⁴in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. ⁵The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it."  (John 1:1-5)

This is the beginning of Jesus' story, which began at the beginning of life itself.  Christmas is the celebration of the Incarnation of God, which is a bittersweet story. God, knowing of the rejection, pain and suffering that was to come, decided we were worth it... God in his infinite grace decided to come into the world to guide us and show us truth, hope, justice, mercy, life... LOVE


It's not just about a mother giving birth to a holy child, fragile and small that held the hope of the world. It's about WHY God did this... "For God so loved the world..." 

Crosspost with Amateur Nester

Amateur Nester interviewed me for her blog and I was honored and grateful to share my story with a new audience. You can read my interview here:
http://www.amateurnester.com/2015/12/oraly-infertility-story.html#more-6975

Hope Box

I have a love/hate relationship with my house....for context let me explain the layout a little further. The first floor has the master bedroom, and all the other living areas, kitchen, etc. We currently don't really need the three extra rooms on the second floor and it has been eating at me, especially when I go upstairs to dump more things I don't know what to do with up there. The bonus room was going to be the guest room, the other spare room was going to be the nursery, and the room off to the side is already my office/standby bedroom for #2.  The house is beautiful and open and well lit and I love the feel of it... but this house also reminds me of how optimistic we were 2 years ago, and how foolish I feel today.

So, in an effort to make the house feel less wasteful and empty I have rearranged the rooms upstairs a bit. The spare room is now the guest room, and the bonus room is now a hobby room/lady lounge. I have started to fill it with inspiring words and images, crafty tools and a place for most things that make me happy... its a work in progress. The other half of the room is still a dumping ground. In the pile of junk that I don't know what to do with I found a cardboard box that broke me today. I always knew the box was there and I remembered it had some things I didn't want to deal with but I couldn't quite remember all that was in there. I felt strong today and I really want this room to look and feel nice... a sanctuary I can go. But I can't feel peace there with this box just sitting there, taking up space and pestering me to deal with it.... so I did today. I opened the box and found my husband's childhood stuffed animals that he has carried with him all this time to hand down to his children, and this takes quiet the effort cause he moved around a lot. I have that same love/hate relationship with those toys. They are ugly, old, and tattered... but they mean so much to him, the man I love, and they mean something totally different to me, an unfulfilled promise.
I found more things we have collected over the years, keeping to our gender neutral rainbow color theme, a quilted sun and moon, a rainbow glass decor that reads "Dream", some more old needlepoints and things he has carried around and saved for that special little someone we are still waiting for... We had a theme, we had names, we had plans... and yes, I say had, because it hurts too much to hope anymore, to live on that idea that its still a "when, and not an if." After 4 years of this I just can't keep planning, keep collecting, and instead of letting that box feed my hope, it just feeds my grief, of all of time lost, of pain, and the changes within us, and in our lives, continuously adapting and adjusting to it as others move on, become bigger families, and we stay as we are, holding on tight to each other for fear that we might fall apart if we don't.

I did take one item from that box for myself. I can always give it back if it's ever needed elsewhere...

Writing Assignment #3: Goals vs. Fears

I have always been an astronomy aficionado. I was probably one of the few kids in 4th grade reading about black holes and trying to understand how immense the universe was. I acknowledged I was an anxious person so I knew that even though being an astronaut sounds really cool, realistically, I would never do that, so by 6th grade I had decided I wanted to work in the NASA control room! I wanted to be a NASA engineer. I stuck by this for a long time. My first attempt at a college degree was for Systems Engineering with this goal in mind. Along the way I talked myself out of it, and decided it was a long shot to get hired by NASA and that I should figure out a back up plan, something else I would enjoy doing with a systems engineering degree.... but nothing came to me. Life changes occurred, I had to move away two years into my engineering degree and I went on a totally different path. I had always been fascinated with psychology, I believe myself to be an intuitive and highly empathetic person, I didn't know what I wanted to do with the degree exactly but I knew I would enjoy research of some sort, so I pursued a psychology degree. I did get an A.A. and when I moved on to the 4 year college to get a bachelors I realized I would need to do a lot more school to be able to get into psychology research, so, I changed my mind again. I was getting married and I felt I just needed a degree so I can be a real adult and a contributing member of our new family. 

I really took my time with this decision, I thought a lot about what I want to do and the best way to get there. I realized that one of nagging issues with the engineering degree was that I didn't feel like it would necessarily give me the kinds of jobs that would be helping other people and not just corporations. I wanted a job that made me feel like I was directly impacting a person's life for the better. While getting my A.A. I had an amazing biology teacher, Mrs. Rutledge. I had honestly hated biology in the past. But the way she taught it was like it was the most fascinating subject on the planet! I LOVED her enthusiasm so much! She made me feel like learning about cells and genetics was the most important work I could ever do. As I deliberated about my future I kept remembering Mrs. Rutledge, and felt a calling to go into Biology. I could specialize in the biomedical field and feel like I can make a difference in peoples lives, and so I did. I am still passionate about the importance of the biomedical field, and I still love the science behind it all. I just happen to be in a place my career where I am waiting for the next thing, and I don't know what that is. 

If I didn't have to worry about money, relationships, or opportunities.... I would go get a PhD... I have let so many people scare me out of this idea so many times I had let it go. But if I want to make a difference and I want my voice to be heard, I feel like I need more credentials than just a bio major. I also think that the life experience I would gain from a good doctorate program would be fulfilling. What is holding me back it just that, money, the desire to improve our financial situation so that we can adopt, and the fact that because of all of my bouncing around and life getting in the way of my education, I don't have the best academic record. My early years are beautiful. It was my last years at the four year college that hurt the worst. they have shaken my confidence in myself. Then add on the infertility struggles, and the job issues I have had recently, and well, here I am.... doing the best that I can to rebuild myself back up to the strong confident woman I know lives inside me... somewhere. 

Reading this over I realize I am an ambitious person that does not give up. I may be knocked down, doors may close, but I get back up and push open a window, wiggle in and start again. I believe I have something to contribute, and that what I have to say matters. I will not rest until I find the place where I can fulfill my purpose in life, whatever that may be. 

Writing Assignment #2: Untruths vs. Truths

Things I tell myself about myself     UNTRUTHS

• I do not have a feminine body and am not sexy
• Not being attractive is why I have difficulty keeping friends
• I am not as intelligent as I wish I were
• I procrastinate so much that I will never amount to anything
• Others are more successful than I am because I am mediocre at everything I do
• I am selfish and don't do enough for others
• I am a hypocrite because I live my life the way I judge others of doing

My truths and virtues

• My body is my own and a generous gift from God and I love myself just as I am. Sexy is a state of mind and there is nothing more sexy than confidence
• I am a loyal and caring friend and that is why I am blessed with as many friends as I have in my life. Friends leave because that is the way life is, we grow and we change and we need different support at different times in our lives.
• I am smart and capable. I can follow along and contribute in conversations of varying subjects
• Allowing time for myself is not a reason to feel guilty. It is healthy and necessary and the small amount of time I take for myself will help me become the person who I want to be
• I should not measure my worth and success against others who are on different paths than mine. I should measure my worth and success by how much I give of myself to the things that make me happy and feel satisfied.
• Giving of myself to others is something that I truly enjoy and is as equally important to give time to others as it is for myself
• I am not perfect, neither is anyone else. All I can do is continue to love God and give Glory to His name and be forgiving of others and of myself.

My vision of success - Writing assignment #1

This assignment reminds me of the "magic wand" exercise my therapist had me do recently. I analyzed and listed all of the things that are causing me distress in my life, then I was to use a magic wand and fix it all, the write what my life would look like.

What I think matters most to me, when dissect it down to its root is, living life with a real purpose. I believe that every person is on Earth for a reason. We are all nuts and bolts, gears that fit perfectly into this world that God has set in motion for us, because He loves us and wants us to be happy, and since we are social beings, we need each other to accomplish our individual purpose. I want to live my life to the full extent of that purpose, and I believe every life shaping event that occurs in my life is heading me in that direction, whatever that may be. If I continue to allow God to be my guide in this life, to hear him and have him fill my heart with His love, I will be happy, and I can help others achieve their purpose and happiness as well. Feeling like I am being a useful member of society, contributing all of my talents and skills at work, in the community, with loved ones, is how I think success would feel like. When it comes to tangible things, I believe God will provide, and when I am successful, it will mean that all of those things will fall into place as well.

But all of that will not happen if I do not trust in God with my whole heart, and believe in myself. I have to believe that I am capable, confident in my own skills and knowledge, and able to continue to push forward no matter the challenge. I don't believe all of that right now. I don't think I am strong enough, or worth as much as I know others believe me to be. I am not being kind and loving to myself, and that is the challenge. I can't know where I am going if I am not willing to believe that I am going anywhere at all. But I also know that I need to let others be there for me, and not just make them believe I am ok and that nothing is wrong. I love being there for the people that I love, I should let them do the same.

Starting the "You Project"

There are events in life that will change you permanently... at the time they seem like the worst thing that could ever happen and the sense of incredulity sets the world into a tailspin and you cannot find your bearings. The first time this happened to me was when I moved away from my friends and family in 2004. The second time this happened was when the IVF treatment failed in 2013. I did not expect another event like this so soon, and yet it has, and here I am trying to find my bearings again in a different aspect in my life but with the same impact. I think perhaps I never really did feel like I was on solid ground after the treatment failed because so much broke inside of me that I am still working on mending, rebuilding,... breathing. And now, I realize how unprepared I was for another major life change. I find myself needing to... well, find myself. The definition of who I thought I was and who I am is very blurry and I don't know what to think or feel anymore.
This is when I finally decided to download "The You Project" by Keiko Zoll, the owner of the blog, and resource website "The Infertility Voice". I found this book a couple months ago while doing some research for a sample article I was writing on PCOS as I begin dabbling in science writing. I saw it and thought it was a great idea, a self help book written specifically for women dealing with infertility and all of the emotional distress that comes along with it. The subtitle is "Kickstart your authentic self in three weeks!" It was something I felt I would need to do eventually, when I had time and I figured out a solution to the stressful work situation I was dealing with, but "not now" I thought. Today, I have decided to make the time for this, for me. This is exactly what I need. When your life starts feeling a little to close to the biblical story of Job and you need to figure out what God is trying to tell you, you don't shush Him and say "not now, God, I'm kinda busy here" cause He will find a way to get you to listen.... Ok God, I'm listening!
There are writing assignments as part of the activities, and Keiko suggests many ways to do this, one of which is sharing it on a blog. I thought it might be helpful to others, and hopefully not too uncomfortably honest, for me to write my assignments on my blog. Perhaps in doing so, you get inspired to try this out for yourself because you too are struggling to find yourself in this journey. Perhaps this will be the best way for me to communicate to others what I am going through. Mostly I think the blog will keep consistent, finishing all the assignments and giving myself the best chance to get through all this and come out stronger, and more determined to live a meaningful life. I am also going to share this with my two supporters, my husband and our best friend and my faith companion. This is not going to be easy, and its gonna get messy, and I may regret posting such a personal journey online, but hey, what have I got to lose? Fear should never be a factor in making any decisions in life! So here we go!

Not being chosen

For some time now I have been enjoying the gift of storytelling by a person special to me whom I admire. Her podcast is called Story Divine and it is dedicated to telling the biblical stories of the lectionary in the most meaningful way. The one I listened to recently was the story of Justus and Matthias (Acts 1:15-26). She reflects on this story and has you imagine that you are Justus and you have not been chosen in this particular leadership role in the early church to serve God and how one is to move on from that? At the end of the podcast she challenges listeners to tell a story of when they were not chosen, how to move on?
This prompt stirred inside of me the feeling, that is hard to put into words, through this journey of infertility. I find myself a lot of times reprimanding myself for thinking: I did everything right, I waited till marriage, I finished school, and made a conscious decision to have children, and here I am 4 years later still waiting, trying, hoping.... I feel like I have not been chosen. What is my life supposed to look like now? I feel like I am struggling in finding my place in society, in life, and though motherhood does not define me, I had envisioned what my family would be like and being a mother was part of that dream. I dreamt of all that I would share, of my life experiences, of my love for God, my love for life, the meaning of friendship, the meaning of love to me. I felt that through motherhood I would serve God by passing on my faith, and watching this new life find their own truth in that faith.
So what does moving through this part mean to me? What it's like to not feel chosen for this privilege of motherhood? I can tell you what it doesn't do: as I am sure it was for Justus, it does not lessen my faith. Instead I believe that it has helped me realize that my faith is stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, because here I am, still full of love for the Lord, full of gratitude for the life I was given and the privilege I feel to know of love, to feel loved, and to love others unconditionally. I may not have been chosen for motherhood, but I was chosen to be a spouse to an amazing husband, I was chosen to be a sister, a proud Tia, a friend, a scientist, and above all else, a servant of God. All of these things are all important roles in my life that allow me to serve God. I don't think the ache will ever go away, but I will grow stronger, and one day maybe I will finally hear the calling for whatever this journey has prepared me for.

So there it is, my story of when I was not chosen and how I will move on.... though this is just a chapter in the book of God's grace in my life.

Why I am open about our journey

This week is National Infertility Awareness week! I absolutely love their theme for 2015: You are not alone.

This is such an important idea to promote because infertility leads to isolation, depression, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, very low self esteem and self worth. ALL of these feelings are normal and we have ALL gone through them. I don't know of a single person perfect enough to go through month after month of trying to conceive with no luck for months, years, and be able to come out unscathed at the other end, and that's because no one is perfect, and we are all incredible people each with our beautiful imperfections.
This is my third NIAW post since I started this blog around this time in 2013. I got into writing a blog because of this very feeling, that I didn't want to feel alone. I wanted to know that everything I was feeling, thinking, going through has been done before and therefore I am not some horrible anomaly in womanhood and that I was not in fact losing my mind... or if I was that I wasn't the only one that did during these trials. I found some wonderful, inspiring blogs: The Infertility Voice, The Amateur Nester, Where the Bleep is our Stork, among so many more that I browsed. I found myself reading the blogs until they conceived then feeling [irrationally] let down and moving onto another blog, until it happened to them, and so on. This is when I decided that I should start my own. I realized in reading all of these different blogs that though there were a lot of similarities in how one reacts to certain situations, each person's journey is different and something I may learn along the way may be beneficial to someone else later on. I was grateful to everyone that blogged about what to expect about each procedure we had tried. It helped them not seem so scary, and in some cases it helped me realize the odds of something working which helped lessen the blow when it didn't.

My call to all those couples reading that may still be silent about their journey because its vulnerable, and hard, and scary, is that's worth opening up and talking about it. It gives those negative feelings less power over you because you don't have to feel like no one will understand. I have read this happen throughout the online infertility community, once you open up about your journey, others share their stories with you, people you would have never guessed and all of the sudden you are not so alone...

THANK YOU to all of you who have helped me feel like I am not alone, those who have shared their infertility stories with me and even those who have not gone through infertility yourselves, you have learned how to be supportive of me and have made me strong.

Let's spread the word, educate our communities and be strong for each other!

NOTE: Its important to mention the best resource out there: RESOLVE The National Infertility Association for those going through infertility and for those who love someone who is going through infertility and want to be supportive and helpful.

Love... and genetics

Relevant preface: I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but I am a geneticist and a nerd about it too.... Francis Collins is one of my heroes! (Recommendation: The Language of Life and The Language of God written by him).


I had the most wonderful feeling when I woke up this morning. I was filled with love for my husband! I was also in awe of how in love I felt with him after almost 10 years together, and then I was overwhelmed with gratitude for that love. As we lay in the stillness of the morning before the day began I got to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for this wonderful way to start my day. As I prayed I had that feeling again of wishing I could give him a child. But this time it had a different ring to it. Before I have felt that I wanted to give him a child because he deserves that joy in his life and because he'd be an amazing father, and because I know how much he has wanted that since we started dating and who knows how long before that. So, in part, it was a selfless desire, and mostly of just wanting to add joy to his life. Today, I felt all those other things, but I also thought, the world needs more of him. He is an amazing man, a generous, good hearted, loving, kind, man that dedicates his days to the betterment of society through his work as a high school teacher of science and life. He willingly gives of himself in this way and enjoys doing so, which is rarer than you think and says so much about his heart. I remember when I first was falling in love with him almost a decade ago, that was my favorite part, what I called in my diary, his golden heart. This morning overcome by this warm feeling of love and awe for all he does I wanted more of him. I wanted to make sure that it is people like him that reproduce and succeed in this life (enter genetics). Besides how super cute our children would be, it was more that I wanted his goodness, his altruistic soul, and his intelligence to live on past our years and to contribute, what I would hope would be, good genes to humanity through him. His family is small and the longevity genes from his mother's side die with him, with us. On his father's side there is some hope, but whatever blessed combination of nature and nuture that became my husband ends because of me, and I feel sad that humanity will miss out on that. Its a good case for a surrogate for sure. And on that note, I am going to say something insane... I kind of miss trying. I miss the hope (not so much the loss) of trying every month. I am still very much wanting to adopt from my country in the near future, but how great would it be, if I had that little miracle and I was able to contribute, at least one more of him... and hope his genes are dominant, and that its a male so that no daughter of mine would have to suffer what I have gone through thus far.
Craziness!..... right...?

New Years Eve: Choosing hope over despair

Since last night and through this morning I was not in a good place. The thought of a new year, which usually gets me excited, instead just brought me dread. All I could think of was "great, another year, more of the same. Things not going my way, more family growing announcements that will twinge in the pit of my stomach, having insufficient qualifications to move on in my career, more money troubles and another year for my endometriosis to get worse." I couldn't bare it. Then I realized it was the depression talking, and what timing! I started to look at medication options thinking, maybe its time. Maybe 2015 is the year I allow myself to get chemical help for this. But I looked at the side effects and the research done on antidepressants and PCOS and it just didn't seem right for me.
I needed to think my way out of the darkness. I reasoned with myself and told myself that the fact that I didn't want to feel this way was already progress! Sometimes, when depression hits, it feels like a warm blanket that you want to hide in for a while. The problem is when you get all tangled up in it and then you can't find your way out. I was able to peel off the blanket and tell myself that it wasn't worth it. Not today. I then began to remember the neat things that happened this year that I didn't expect would happen. We weren't planning a trip home, and we went. We weren't planning on my husband being amazing and getting to be on TV and that happened! We weren't planning on getting a dog, ever, and we ended up with an amazing sweet pet that I can't imagine not having in my life now. I wasn't planning on getting the position I am working in now, realizing this isn't quite what I want, and being able to narrow down my career aspirations that much more (good and bad mixed together for a net gain). I didn't think I would be able to clean up my diet, and here I am, doing so much better with it than I have ever been!
There may not be anything specific I can look forward to in 2015, no goals to complete, no trips, or major life events for either of us, but that doesn't mean wonderful things aren't going to happen. I should learn by now that there isn't a lot of planning I can do for life. Life happens all around us, guided by the divine hand of our Lord whom I trust with all my heart. I need to remember to trust in Him and know that even though I can't see the rainbow through the rain just yet, but it will clear up and when it does, I look forward to it taking my breath way, one more time.

Today, I choose hope. And I wish this for you as well.

Remember Elizabeth in Advent

The story of the conception and birth of Jesus is a beautiful and glorious story filled with love and hope and grace. But there is a similar, lesser told story during the same time: the story of Elizabeth.
Luke 1: 36 - 38: "And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’ Then Mary said, ‘Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.’ Then the angel departed from her."

 I honestly felt moved by the spirit to recall and tell this story to you today. Elizabeth was considered old for that time, given that Mary is thought to have been 14, and I wonder if Elizabeth was my age... in her 30s and therefore considered old for that time.  I don't know for certain and I could be wrong but the greater idea is there, and she resonates with me today. The story of barren women is prevalent throughout the Bible and Elizabeth's story is not that unique. An old barren woman who has given up on barring children at this point in her life and an angel of the Lord gifts her a child, and an amazing, strong, historical child at that. Stories like these are the ones we hang on to in our darkest days while trying to conceive. We pray to the Lord to remember us as he remembered Sarah, and Rachel and Hannah, knowing that the blessing of fertility and life is God's alone. But as a barren woman who has crossed that 30 year old (ovarian) barrier and who has stopped trying and has stopped hoping (though do we ever really stop hoping?), what does this story mean to me?

I like reading the rest of that passage where Mary says "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." It was not Elizabeth who had said that, but Mary, the unsuspecting innocent maiden, whom God had chosen for the ultimate gift of fertility, being the Mother of God. Talk about having the perfect child! But I do love that passage... Here I am, servant of the Lord.... let it be with me according to your word..... I remember vividly the days and nights of my hysterical, hormonal, grieving, sobs when I felt that God was being unjust and cruel with me, leaving me barren when others around me were not. With a clearer mind, looking back, I know that it was part of the process of healing, and that that pain shaped me, continues to shape me, as a continue to become what God wants of me, according to His Word. I don't yet know if a miracle is in store for me, or if the miracle in my life will take on a different form that what I once hoped it would be. But today I remember the barren... my sisters, those who find some pain the story of Mary and hope in the story of Elizabeth. For everyone the story of the birth of Jesus will fill us in different ways, but all of them still come from the same great Love that can fill our lives and our hearts if we just give it room... let it take hold of us and replace the places of darkness with true, undying light.....the purest, truest light of all.

And this is my Advent wish for you.