Next, Next step

I finally was able to get myself into the RE's office after the failed IVF cycle to talk about what he thinks went wrong. He was very suspicious of the cycle because he said that I had 10 good sized follicles, and of those, we should have retrieved at least 8 eggs, and we only got 4. He discredited my theory of me having bad eggs because he said that the eggs, when fertilized were grade 4 and one was grade 3, and that the two that made it were high quality, so they should have implanted. After going over the numbers some more, he said that he suspects the uterine lining. He thought, perhaps I have endometriosis. This diagnosis has been a suspicion of every OB I have worked with but since it is difficult to diagnosis with certainty without laparascopy, it was just discarded.
I told the RE that I cannot financially or emotionally go through IVF again, at least not right now, and I asked, if IVF was my only chance. He said no. So we decided to go through with the ovarian drilling via laparascopy which will allow him to also go in and diagnosis the possible endometriosis and if its there, to clean it out. He said that a high percentage of women get pregnant within months of this procedure, even if they don't have endometriosis. He joked that its like he releases the bad humors in there and brings in good juju... it was kinda funny.
I am always very nervous about surgery and all of the things that could go wrong, but its worth a shot. Like creating a clean slate.

I cannot use the H word with this procedure, not because I don't think it will help, but because I am fresh out of it at this point. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I don't desire anything anymore. I am autopilot and kind of just want to get this over with, to get to a point that I have done all I can do so I can be at peace.
I do kind of miss that feeling though. That idea that beyond this procedure a-few-months-from-now-me is smiling back and me saying "don't be such a brat, this was good!" I want to imagine that, but I can't. I feel like if I let my guard down, just for a second, I will fall apart and I won't be able to keep going like I have been. I feel like am ok right now. I won't be great, I won't be happy to the full extent of the word, because, like I said before, something has been taken from me and I am still trying to heal, but I am ok with being OK right now. I am taking care of me and I am chugging along life as best I can. So, I can't let my guard down, I can't hope because I just don't know how to balance being OK and hoping at the same time.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." 

It all comes down to money...

Since our failed IVF embryo implant last month, I have been slowly picking up the pieces. We have decided to take a break for now. And I have to say, it is kind of liberating. Not having to think about peeing on a stick, I don't even know what day of my cycle I am at, or what shots, pills, vitamins I have to take when. I decided that I have to be serious about who I am and what I body can and cannot do. I have PCOS and therefore I have insulin resistance and hormone imbalance, and I am overweight. It is time to take care of me. My motivation of course is getting my PCOS symptoms under control and hopefully conceive on my own, but outwardly, I just want to feel better about myself. I want to stop blaming myself for the candy, chocolates, soda, cake, that I have eaten and do something about it.

So now, I am changing my eating habits and converting to the low glycemic index as my guide for how I eat. I joined the gym yesterday and I feel empowered. That is not a word that is hardly ever used during the infertility journey, and I know that it is not a promise that if I lower my glycemic intake, and exercise as I should that it will all magically get fixed, but at least I will feel like I am doing everything in my power to control this beast.

In the meantime we have been throwing around the adoption idea as well. We both REALLY want to do it, no matter what. The thing is, I don't want adoption to be a "last resource" or like I read once online, I don't want it to be the end of something, but the beginning. I also owe it to that child for them to know they are loved and wanted and in a home that will care for their every need. But as I think about, I try very hard to be realistic, and we just spent all of our savings on fixing up the house we just bought, our credit cards are maxed out, and we are just barely above water. Adoption is a HUGE financial burden that I don't know we can handle right now. I fear that money will become the huge giant elephant in the room and it will tear our marriage apart. It has always been a sore spot between us and I always get a knot in my stomach when we have to talk about it because I know that 9 times out of 10, we will end up getting angry or upset by the end of the conversation. Not to mention the scary statistics that most divorces are because of  financial differences. I bet a lot of times, when infertility separates a couple, it comes down to money as well. Don't quote me on that, its just a gut feeling.

So no matter how badly we want to get the adoption process started, we need to consider the consequences of our decision well, and those consequences are pretty much exclusively: MONEY.

If it weren't for money, we'd had bought at least the 2-IVF cycle package, and we wouldn't be second guessing when to start the adoption process. It is so frustrating that it comes down to one thing as the biggest obstacle for infertility resolution, and sadly for some, an impossible obstacle to overcome.

I felt JOY today!

It wasn't anything concrete, nothing spectacular happened, I didn't get the mystical BFP or anything like that. It felt more like God touched my heart today. I have been down and phasing between sadness, anger, emptiness, and just trying to keep going. In the meantime, though I have avoided going to church because I just don't want to find myself in a moment where I can't escape, I have been forcing myself to listen to the christian radio station on my commute. It helps me refocus, and try to find God in all of this.

So today, on my commute, I heard a song I had heard a few times before by Audio Adrenaline called "Kings and Queens"  and for the first time I actually listened to the lyrics. It talks about loving the "least of these," the lonely children, the children without a home. I heard it and it made my heart happy. It made me think about adoption again and realize it really is in my heart. This is something I really want to do. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it is the only thing right now that feels real, that feels like it is going to happen, and that thought, makes me feel joy. I haven't felt joy like this in... a long time.

I had been feeling resentful because I know that I have so much love to give, so much maternal love in my heart, my dedication to it that it can't be made, it had to come from Him. And I thought, if I have this natural instinct and love, why aren't You giving me a child of my own to love? Today, I realized, no matter what happens, I will be a mother, I will have a child to love, and they will be a gift from God, no matter how they come to me.

Numb

It didn't work. I got the news at work and had to leave because I was hysterically crying. The "blame voices" started filling my head. I was angry, upset, confused, and feeling like God was letting me down. But I didn't want to just curl up in my bed and cry, my anger kept me moving, I started cleaning the house. When my husband got home, I realized, this isn't just about me, he is hurting too, he is also disappointed and angry and upset, so I slowed down so we can heal together. But the difference is, I still blame myself. It was in my body that the embryos didn't want to implant, or they did and then didn't, who knows. But it was all me.
I still want answers, and I am still upset and angry at my lot in life. And scared, of the now more real possibility that my dreams of having my own biological children is more of a pipe dream than I ever thought.

TIck Tock

The clock is broken in the break room at work. It has been bothering me because I have the habit of looking up at it to see how long I have on my break, or in my work day. I can't do that anymore. It is too high for me to reach and fix and no matter how many times I complain about it, no one seems to remember to fix the darn clock.
It feels like a real life analogy of this 2 week wait. I want to forget what day it is and how many more days until I can be put out of my misery, but I can't help but look at the broken clock... the one that may or may not tell me what I want to hear.

I saw an amazing intense rainbow today after a pretty powerful storm that blew through my city. The clouds were still dark in the horizon but the rainbow shone with an intensity that seemed to defy the storm. I couldn't help but remember God's promise to Noah, to all of us, to me. You will never give us more than we can handle, and You will be there every moment to remind us of Your Glory.

Thank you for that spectacular reminder today. Your Glory and love is more important than that loud tick tock of a time metric that means nothing in the end. The only time that matters is designated time and place for all things.

Bed rest is not for the strong willed (stubborn)

So, here I am day 3 of "bed rest." Mostly strict bed rest for the 1st 24ish hrs, then kinda sitting up and and lying down at different times yesterday and today. I went out for a brief drive and meal w/ my parents who were in town, but now they are gone and it is just me and DH again. I realize there are only so many things one can do while not able to sit or stand for extended periods of time.
The thing that makes it worse for me is the uncertainty. What difference will it make that I walked those extra steps today, or that I wasn't entirely lying flat for the last 48 hours? I have read countless forums, infertility websites, and such that say one thing or the other, that you should increase blood flow and go about your life as normal. Of course they spout these things without statistics and I don't know any better so all I have is the word of my infertility clinic and hope that at some point I will be doing something right.
But I won't know anything for two weeks... WEEKS! Uuggh. I will go back to normal activities tomorrow because in the end, at least in my mind, it is in God's hands, and this is in his will I can be doing a triathlon and it will still happen. I am doing all of this mostly for my sanity. If something goes wrong, I won't allow myself to find blame in how long I sat or walked, or the time I got up 3 times in a row because I was tired of asking DH to do every little thing for me. 
It is a beautiful weekend outside with wonderful hiking weather and all I can do is ask DH to open the windows and imagine myself outside walking about.

On another, less whiny note, I did get to see the embryos before they transferred them and the cell bio geek in me was jumping for joy. And honestly, how many can say: "Gosh, it's like it was just yesterday I saw them at the blastocyst stage..."  =P

Emotional state: Clomid vs. IVF

I was reflecting on how calm I have felt relative to when I was doing the Clomid all of last year. It came up because I had an exceptionally annoying day at work, where co-workers told me about injustices toward other co-workers and those things usually upset me. Don't get me wrong, I was outraged and saddened by the things that people were telling me, but I didn't lose my temper, or go off somewhere to cry. I just said what I had to say and walked away, just as calm as before all of this.
I thought at first, that it must be that what I had heard about IVF drugs not being so bad, must be true. But then I thought about my state of mind, and it is different than when I was on the Clomid. Then, I felt like I was grasping at straws, and I didn't feel like anything I did made things better. I felt out of control of the whole thing, and that made me more miserable.
To decide to do IVF is not a light decision to make. There is a whole process of grieving, of releasing the control, of realizing that this time, its not going to be "natural" and that the storybook moment is not going to happen. For me, as a person of faith, I had to come to terms with this not necessarily being me "forcing God's hand" because in the end, it is still up to Him. And through that process I think I was able to release some of those "demons" that would make me lose myself in hysterics. I have come to peace with my condition and the facts that I cannot deny anymore. I have infertility, it is not my fault, and there is so much medical science can do for me, that there is no need to lose hope.

I am very hopeful that I will find peace, in the end. Praise be to my Merciful God.