Its been a month since my last post, and some things have settled. The grief doesn't overpower me, and I can get through my day just fine. The new sadness that has overcome me is this feeling that I nothing to look forward to and live for. I guess I am more of a action-reward kind of person than I thought. Its like I am looking for a purpose every day that I wake up. For a while, Fridays gave me a panicky feeling because that meant that I wouldn't have enough to distract me from my thoughts of uselessness. At work at least I have things to keep me busy and co-workers to contend with or help. At home I just have this brand new empty house, with errands to run and chores to complete, and media to shut my brain off to.
At times I think I have nothing to complain about, I have the job I wanted (for now), people to hang out with, a husband that loves me more than anything, a beautiful new house with everything I've always wanted in a house.
I was sitting in the foyer the other day looking around the house to things that we could sell to relieve a bit of our debt, and in reflecting on it, I felt a kinship to it in a way. When we bought the house, it didn't look like I needed much work, and the inside looks great, fresh paint, hardwood floors in great condition, and remodeled kitchen, bathrooms, overall wow-factor. When it got inspected they found a bunch of little things, missing insulation, a seal broken in the large foyer window, some wood rot. Things we thought: no big deal. After we bought the house and started the repairs, we found more wood rot, more siding needed to get replaced than originally thought, the deck was in worse shape than expected, some minor plumbing issues, and recently we had to replace the stove. The small ticket items started to add up. It kind of felt like my infertility journey so far, it felt like a relief when I "passed inspection" HSG comes back normal, saline ultrasound ok, prexisting PCOS that I already knew about under control, but as we started treatment, things kept failing and a larger diagnosis was found: endometriosis.
I am otherwise content with my body, everything else works for the most part, everything major at least, heart, lungs, pancreas, brain (functional at least). I try to be grateful, and most days I can be.
But like this house that was bought with the purpose of an expanding family in mind, my body was made with the purpose of procreating, except no one told it that apparently. Its got all the right parts, this house has all the right rooms, but I have nothing to offer it from me.
Apparently I was still holding on to some sort of hope because when AF was 1 week late this month, and I tested today(BFN), I fell apart again. Its the end of the year and I can't help but reflect on this time last year and how I felt this sad, but I thought 2013 will be my year, it has to be! The statistics and numbers were all in my favor this time! And yet, here I am, end of 2013 and without an ounce of hope left that this year would provide, and with no expectations for 2014.
I still think 2014 is going to be a cool year, because of events occurring in spite of me, that I am looking forward to, most importantly the World Cup. I just don't want to go into the year with any expectations, this way, I hope to prevent anymore heart-ache. Though sometimes I feel guilty for having good days. As if I could actually move on from all of this. But then I get the reminder with days like today, that I may never truly move on, no matter what the outcome may be...
I also know that this is just a bad night, and that after I fall asleep, I will wake up refreshed. God will soothe my soul so I can get through one more day.
This I pray.