Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Wrestling with God through the night

Genesis 32:24-31
Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, ‘Let me go, for the day is breaking.’ But Jacob said, ‘I will not let you go, unless you bless me.’ So he said to him, ‘What is your name?’ And he said, ‘Jacob.’ Then the man said, ‘You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans, and have prevailed.’ Then Jacob asked him, ‘Please tell me your name.’ But he said, ‘Why is it that you ask my name?’ And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life is preserved.’ The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

I am ready wrestle with God now. I am already injured and limping, but I will not let go. God is my strength and makes me stronger by wrestling with me. I know that all that is happening in my life is not God's wish for me, and that the greater picture is yet to sharpen so I can see clearer. The pain, the anger, the resentment, is eating at the virtues that God has granted me, the things that make me special, that make me Me. I have been at the lowest of lows. I have felt no desire to live, I have given my husband my blessing to leave me because I thought he deserved a better life than that which I was living. I was depressed and tired. Now, I am tired of being tired. God has placed a new challenge in my life, to accept a greater role in my church. Whether or not I take it is irrelevant right now, because what it has done is make me think about Him again. Make me try to decide what I want to do about this important part of my life. This is when I decided that I wasn't done yet. I will not walk away from Him. I have loved Him all of my life, finding purpose and joy, feeling special because I am his princess and He is my King. Every decision I have made in my life has been in light of Him and for His Glory. All of that hard work, all of those decades of difficult decisions, accepting His will, why stop now?

I'm not perfect. And I can't claim to have always done His will. But, I'd like to think that I have thought of His will in making decisions most of my life. And I didn't do it so that he would favor me, or grant me all of my wishes. I've done what I think is His will because I TRUST in Him. I trust that the choices He wants me to make are to guide me toward a path of righteousness, truth, and true happiness by living my life with a purpose, furthering His Kingdom on Earth.

Right now, I don't know what is next, and I am ok for now. I may fall apart again, and get back up, and fall again, but for now, I am ok. I still can't look to the future because its so uncertain and scary. But I have regained my confidence in God, I know that somehow, someday I will be happy again. And for now this will be enough.

(Thank you to my beautiful friend who reminded me that I have so much more to give and that not all of me is lost and broken.)

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Friday, June 6, 2014

One year after... and there is always love

I have been very aware this week of what was coming, the anniversary of the call that broke our hearts into a million pieces, when the nurse called and said "I'm so sorry...." I didn't hear much after that because I lost it, I feel apart and didn't think I could make it anymore. I had been very depressed earlier in the week thinking about it and feeling hopeless, helpless, angry and tired but something happened between then and now. I realized how much there was to be thankful for. More than anything else I am thankful for love in my life. The love from my wonderful husband, my family who cherishes me, the few friends who have been nothing but supportive and understanding, and the love I feel in my heart from my Father in heaven.
I have been very distant from Him lately because I didn't, I don't, want to feel anything, and when I pray, I feel a lot. I have absorbed myself in fiction: TV, books, movies, allowing the nerd obsession to dominate my life. I am not strong enough yet to allow myself to feel yet, but I am getting there... I mean here I am writing this post. I can only get stronger if I try, if I push myself even just a little bit, to think about it, talk about it. I also don't want to think or talk about what is next. I just want to live in the present, right now what I need and want to do with my life right now, this weekend, this month. I want to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and more than anything I want to be a good wife to my husband who deserves a good wife, a woman that can be present with him, support him, love him, and help him see the amazing qualities that I see in him. Without him I would have never come out of that deep dark hole I was in last year, I found strength in our marriage, and that was enough. We are enough right now, just him and I and all of the life we have to live together.
I am a Doctor Who fan, and I can't help but think we are a lot like Amy and Rory... he is my Last Centurion, waiting for me, loving me, fighting for me, even with myself, because he believes in me, in us. Amy has always frustrated me, though I think she is brave and strong and smart, she didn't always appreciate Rory and everything he did for her. I would like to think that I can learn from her and make sure to always appreciate my husband and every thing he does for me.
So, this post started out sad, but in the end, what I want to say is... A: I love you, cherish you and appreciate every small kindess you give to me every day, I hear you. Thank you :)