For some time now I have been enjoying the gift of storytelling by a person special to me whom I admire. Her podcast is called Story Divine and it is dedicated to telling the biblical stories of the lectionary in the most meaningful way. The one I listened to recently was the story of Justus and Matthias (Acts 1:15-26). She reflects on this story and has you imagine that you are Justus and you have not been chosen in this particular leadership role in the early church to serve God and how one is to move on from that? At the end of the podcast she challenges listeners to tell a story of when they were not chosen, how to move on?
This prompt stirred inside of me the feeling, that is hard to put into words, through this journey of infertility. I find myself a lot of times reprimanding myself for thinking: I did everything right, I waited till marriage, I finished school, and made a conscious decision to have children, and here I am 4 years later still waiting, trying, hoping.... I feel like I have not been chosen. What is my life supposed to look like now? I feel like I am struggling in finding my place in society, in life, and though motherhood does not define me, I had envisioned what my family would be like and being a mother was part of that dream. I dreamt of all that I would share, of my life experiences, of my love for God, my love for life, the meaning of friendship, the meaning of love to me. I felt that through motherhood I would serve God by passing on my faith, and watching this new life find their own truth in that faith.
So what does moving through this part mean to me? What it's like to not feel chosen for this privilege of motherhood? I can tell you what it doesn't do: as I am sure it was for Justus, it does not lessen my faith. Instead I believe that it has helped me realize that my faith is stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, because here I am, still full of love for the Lord, full of gratitude for the life I was given and the privilege I feel to know of love, to feel loved, and to love others unconditionally. I may not have been chosen for motherhood, but I was chosen to be a spouse to an amazing husband, I was chosen to be a sister, a proud Tia, a friend, a scientist, and above all else, a servant of God. All of these things are all important roles in my life that allow me to serve God. I don't think the ache will ever go away, but I will grow stronger, and one day maybe I will finally hear the calling for whatever this journey has prepared me for.
So there it is, my story of when I was not chosen and how I will move on.... though this is just a chapter in the book of God's grace in my life.