Next, Next step

I finally was able to get myself into the RE's office after the failed IVF cycle to talk about what he thinks went wrong. He was very suspicious of the cycle because he said that I had 10 good sized follicles, and of those, we should have retrieved at least 8 eggs, and we only got 4. He discredited my theory of me having bad eggs because he said that the eggs, when fertilized were grade 4 and one was grade 3, and that the two that made it were high quality, so they should have implanted. After going over the numbers some more, he said that he suspects the uterine lining. He thought, perhaps I have endometriosis. This diagnosis has been a suspicion of every OB I have worked with but since it is difficult to diagnosis with certainty without laparascopy, it was just discarded.
I told the RE that I cannot financially or emotionally go through IVF again, at least not right now, and I asked, if IVF was my only chance. He said no. So we decided to go through with the ovarian drilling via laparascopy which will allow him to also go in and diagnosis the possible endometriosis and if its there, to clean it out. He said that a high percentage of women get pregnant within months of this procedure, even if they don't have endometriosis. He joked that its like he releases the bad humors in there and brings in good juju... it was kinda funny.
I am always very nervous about surgery and all of the things that could go wrong, but its worth a shot. Like creating a clean slate.

I cannot use the H word with this procedure, not because I don't think it will help, but because I am fresh out of it at this point. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I don't desire anything anymore. I am autopilot and kind of just want to get this over with, to get to a point that I have done all I can do so I can be at peace.
I do kind of miss that feeling though. That idea that beyond this procedure a-few-months-from-now-me is smiling back and me saying "don't be such a brat, this was good!" I want to imagine that, but I can't. I feel like if I let my guard down, just for a second, I will fall apart and I won't be able to keep going like I have been. I feel like am ok right now. I won't be great, I won't be happy to the full extent of the word, because, like I said before, something has been taken from me and I am still trying to heal, but I am ok with being OK right now. I am taking care of me and I am chugging along life as best I can. So, I can't let my guard down, I can't hope because I just don't know how to balance being OK and hoping at the same time.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." 

It all comes down to money...

Since our failed IVF embryo implant last month, I have been slowly picking up the pieces. We have decided to take a break for now. And I have to say, it is kind of liberating. Not having to think about peeing on a stick, I don't even know what day of my cycle I am at, or what shots, pills, vitamins I have to take when. I decided that I have to be serious about who I am and what I body can and cannot do. I have PCOS and therefore I have insulin resistance and hormone imbalance, and I am overweight. It is time to take care of me. My motivation of course is getting my PCOS symptoms under control and hopefully conceive on my own, but outwardly, I just want to feel better about myself. I want to stop blaming myself for the candy, chocolates, soda, cake, that I have eaten and do something about it.

So now, I am changing my eating habits and converting to the low glycemic index as my guide for how I eat. I joined the gym yesterday and I feel empowered. That is not a word that is hardly ever used during the infertility journey, and I know that it is not a promise that if I lower my glycemic intake, and exercise as I should that it will all magically get fixed, but at least I will feel like I am doing everything in my power to control this beast.

In the meantime we have been throwing around the adoption idea as well. We both REALLY want to do it, no matter what. The thing is, I don't want adoption to be a "last resource" or like I read once online, I don't want it to be the end of something, but the beginning. I also owe it to that child for them to know they are loved and wanted and in a home that will care for their every need. But as I think about, I try very hard to be realistic, and we just spent all of our savings on fixing up the house we just bought, our credit cards are maxed out, and we are just barely above water. Adoption is a HUGE financial burden that I don't know we can handle right now. I fear that money will become the huge giant elephant in the room and it will tear our marriage apart. It has always been a sore spot between us and I always get a knot in my stomach when we have to talk about it because I know that 9 times out of 10, we will end up getting angry or upset by the end of the conversation. Not to mention the scary statistics that most divorces are because of  financial differences. I bet a lot of times, when infertility separates a couple, it comes down to money as well. Don't quote me on that, its just a gut feeling.

So no matter how badly we want to get the adoption process started, we need to consider the consequences of our decision well, and those consequences are pretty much exclusively: MONEY.

If it weren't for money, we'd had bought at least the 2-IVF cycle package, and we wouldn't be second guessing when to start the adoption process. It is so frustrating that it comes down to one thing as the biggest obstacle for infertility resolution, and sadly for some, an impossible obstacle to overcome.