Starting the process

So an update on our IVF journey. I just went in for my Saline Ultrasound at my doctors office. NOTE: Unfortunately, since the metformin has been doing a number on me, it was probably incredibly more painful and uncomfortable than for most, so don't let my post scare you.
I am currently nursing my cramps on the couch with the loosest clothing I could find, a warm blanket and some seltzer (my comfort drink). I would take a painkiller but they made me take a surprise antibiotic right before the procedure and  that already does a number on my horribly sensitive tummy, so I'd rather not push it. Plus I'm tougher than I read.
So the plan is that I go back to the dr. office in 6 days and start the bloodwork and ultrasound part of it, and then they give me the calendar for the meds.

So this is it, its really happening. I am scared that I am so optimistic about this... I know that I shouldn't think about the other end of this, but I can't help it being in the back of my mind.

My parallel plan is to keep myself as busy and entertained as possible. We have the house closing coming, the weather is getting nice (more nature hikes), lots of great movies coming out (Iron Man 3, Before Midnight, Great Gatsby, and Star Trek), lots of good books to get lost in, though I am still working on Cloud Atlas, and maybe a trip or two to the lake house. Throw in some boardgame nights and I should be all set.

I just pray that I can keep my sanity throughout this whole thing, because this TWW is going to be one of the worst... God give me strength... 

Anger

I have saved in draft form a post I have been wanting to write about the inspiration of our biblical matriarch and their struggles with infertility, but I just can't work on it today. I am so angry right now. I am angry at how miserable the Metformin is making me, angry at myself for not knowing of other ways of comfort besides food, angry at our culture in gifting horrible sugary foods as a means of reward, angry that I have to be in this situation and that I was dealt this hand in life.

I spent most of the day trying not to think about the stomach and headaches, being focused on work, on other people that need me, on music, when I heard the song "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas. I had heard that song a million times before, but I didn't listen until now and the lyric that says "She'll be alright, just not tonight." Yeah...

I go in and out of anger, and I try to systematically figure out what triggers it, if its a certain time of the cycle, or a medication or a conversation, but it seems to always be something different. I can't explain it, I can't understand it, and that drives me crazy. 

Sharing for NIAW has been interesting. I feel like people would rather ignore my posts because they don't want to have to deal with it. And that is their prerogative. I have no choice in the matter, and I do have to deal with it, every minute of every day. I just hope that someone somewhere is helped, or thinks twice when in a conversation that could potentially be with a person silently suffering.

Darn you overactive subconscience!

I didn't sleep well last night, or well, I slept, I didn't dream well. I don't know if I have mentioned before but one of the symptoms of PCOS is anxiety. My anxiety manifests mostly in the glorious form of night terrors. Apparently its not just a childhood thing. I have horrible dreams when my anxiety is not well controlled. I am on meds that I take at night to help me sleep, but sometimes there aren't enough meds in the world.

So last night I kept having this surreal dream of being in a family gathering where everyone is eating a family specialty called "raspado" and its essential a snow cone with fruit or milk based toppings. Its just sugar. Which of course is a manifestation of me being terrified of sugar since I have had to go back on the Metformin and it really hates when I eat anything too sugary. Anywho, back to the dream, so everyone is sitting around enjoying their sugary concoction when all of the sudden an alarm goes off and I excuse myself from the gathering, I had to go get an injection. Apparently there was some sort of chinese guru in the back room that was doing my injections (manifestation of the acupuncture debate I had with my husband). It was this horrendous needle and it made me feel so tired and sleepy that I just couldn't handle going back to my family gathering.

All of this doesn't sound to terrifying, but I woke up still very anxious and now thinking a million thoughts a second about the upcoming treatment and how scared I am about pumping all those meds into my body, and the logistics of it all, and how its going to work out with my work schedule, and all the other millions of questions that don't really need answers but are swimming around in head.

I had been trying to not think about it and suppress my anxious thoughts, but I started cramping the other day, a sure sign that AF is coming and this whole thing is about to "get real."

I'm at work trying really hard to keep it together but the exhaustion from poor sleep and the anxiety, as well as the fact that I feel like an outsider here really isn't helping. I have my great Startalk podcasts to keep my mind busy, and just wait till 8 hours from now when I can go home to the comfort of my husband and some mind-numbing TV.

Trying to stay sane, again.

We had our IVF education class on Thursday and I was trying so hard to keep it together and not just burst out crying "I never thought it would come to this!" It was scary and overwhelming but I tried to think of it as an educational science class as much as possible and detach myself and my emotions from the information being given. I think in part I am still trying to do that, to think that the circumstances of this happening are still so far off. I know for some IVF is the only solution and they are excited to start it as I was cautiously excited to start Clomid.

I have a very difficult time assimilation changes to the plan I have built in my head. It can be something as simple as having plans for lunch out at noon and then having them cancelled, or it can be as mind blowing as thinking in 6 months I'll be pregnant, and 10 months later still wondering what is going on? I lose my focus, I can't imagine thinking ahead to the next step because my mind is still figuring out what to do about the plan change, my mind is very systematic like that.

At work I just want to scream "Everybody stop being happy and chatty, I am in pain!" It is obviously unfair and unrealistic that having everyone be miserable with me will actually help in anyway but its so hard to see what I think is others living their lives like any other day when my world just got turned upside down. Now, I am a rational, empathetic person and can understand that not everyone is having just an ordinary day and someone else might be in just the same amount or more pain that I am in, but that reality doesn't help either.

I'm ranting... this blog post is making no sense, like the thoughts in my head make no sense. But expressing it seems to be calming the knot in my throat and the fuzzy head I have right now.

I am sure there is something comforting I can tell myself right now, I am sure God has some wonderful wisdom to instill on me at this moment, but I can't hear it over all of the noise in my head. I just want to curl up and cry and pity myself and be scared for a minute or two... maybe tomorrow, cause I don't have time for it today.

Strength? or Naivity?

This has been the most calm I have ever been in during the dreaded 2ww. I'm not sure why... Maybe it has to do with how busy and interesting things are at work, or that the weather is getting nice, or that things are working out with the house buying situation.Sometimes I feel like its that I am jaded, all hope lost, and other times, its the complete opposite and I feel naive, thinking "maybe just maybe this time! Because I felt this, or did that."

I have been thinking about the RESOLVE Awareness week, and thinking about making this blog "public." Obviously it is, and people can read it or find it if they search, and choose to, but I was thinking about making a closer impact, in the lives of people I know. There are many reasons why one decides to tell the world about your "situation," disease, diagnosis... whatever you want to call it, and I have been thinking long and hard as to why I would want to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that I would want to do it to maybe, hopefully, prevent others from having to suffer in silence around people's stupidity unawareness...? I am struggling to find the right word. Its for all of those times when conversations go like:

"How long have you been married? So what are you waiting for?"
 or
"Take your time having kids, and enjoy your freedom, cause then its all downhill from there."

or when having hinted or expressed trouble conceiving they say things like:

"You're still so young! Don't worry!" as if my husband, me and my doctors were overreacting.
or
"I had this friend that went on a vacation/adopted a kid and then BOOM! Got pregnant! You just need to relax!" ooooh that one gets my blood boiling.
 or
"Maybe its stress??"
or
"Maybe you need to lose weight."
 or
"Have you thought of IVF/Adoption?"  REALLY?? Gosh you are so smart, I didn't even know I had those options!

And I know they don't mean harm, but that is the point I am getting at... there is this sense that infertility is your FAULT, and that I am doing something wrong and clearly I should just "insert unsolicited advice here." I feel like I can help break that stigma, and reduce the insensitive commentary that could be hurting others and making this all the more difficult, at least within what I'd like to think is my mostly rationally-minded social circle. I may be risking exposing myself to all of that unsolicited advice, or pity, but if I can help others not have to suffer in silence like I have for the last 2 years, it could be worth it.

Words hurt. More than seeing pregnant women or happy babies after a BFN, more than annoying pregnancy annoucements of FB, its those words, that have been the hardest to deal with. Because in trying to avoid those conversations, I have isolated myself from others, avoided making new friends, especially if they are married, and I have avoided talking to married friends. Those conversations also reinforce that devil in my head that tells me everyday "This IS your fault, you ARE doing something wrong."

So on April 21, I will post about my infertility on Facebook, I will post links to this blog, and others that may help spread awareness, spread facts and information, so as to hopefully prevent regrets from those who start trying too late, but also to prevent more pain to those already in the process.

And as I tell myself on my toughest days: "There is an end to this, one way our another, I will find PEACE."

When a hunch becomes reality

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I was unhappy with the wishy-washyness of my doctor and so I was going for a second opinion. I am glad I did when I did. I spoke to the new doctor who, didn't have as nice bedside manner as my previous doctor, but he was effective and to the point. He told me something my doctor never told me, and I hope that you know this as well, there is a 10 cycle lifetime max to clomid, after that you increase your risk of ovarian cancer, which is already high with people like me, with PCOS. I am on my 8th cycle. I was furious! After all the research and looking up all I could on treatment and things, I never read such a thing. Now, it could very well be that this new doctor is overly cautious, but with a thing like cancer, you can never been too cautious, at least not as far as I'm concerned.

He also told me that I shouldn't have stopped the Metformin, because it helps me have better egg quality and that without it the testosterone creates a harden shell around my eggs, making fertilization difficult. My old doc said that because I was having such bad GI side effects that it was ok to stop. She said studies showed that as long as I was on it for a little it should help. Grrr!!

So he have me two options at this point: Ovarian drilling via laparascopy or IVF. YIKES! Ovarian "Drilling"? It sounded painful and scary, and he said it may or may not work, and that I may end up needing IVF anyway. My husband and I talked it over for a minute and the decision that I thought I would never be able to make, came to me very easily, we are going to do IVF. Hopefully my chances are good, and I will only need to do this once. I have a sort of renewed hope, a calm in my soul with this decision.

Now of course, my doc says, in a means of lightening the mood says: maybe you save yourself 10k and get pregnant this cycle! I appreciated it, but now I am hoping for that more than I ever have. My last chance... at doing this the way I always dreamed. Not with the injections, and the thousand doctor visits, and artificially. I can't get my hopes too high, but at least today, right now, there is STILL Hope.

I don't know how this is going to turn out, and I am still kinda scared. I'm scared of the meds, and the sedation, and keeping my sanity...I dunno what to think about all this. All I can do is pray.