Sunday, October 27, 2013


This has been a difficult week for me. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it is. Things at home have felt tense, work has been overly busy and co-workers are exhausting me mentally and emotionally. On Friday I felt really weepy. I felt tired and worn down, and emotionally drained. Saturday I was able to brush it off and keep going. But today again I feel it, the exhaustion, the sadness sitting in my chest, clouding my mind. I feel as though if I can name it, I can beat it, and I am trying. I think perhaps it is because this is truly the first month that I have no fertility plans. That I feel in the back of my mind as though I have "given up." I try to be optimistic, look on the bright side, and pray about the adoption plans as hard and fervently as I can, but inside there is still something that hurts. The fact that I am no longer pursing the dream of having my own child, mine and my husbands. I know I can love and care for a child that is not genetically mine, I know that I will be happy building our family through adoption. But right now, in this moment, it hurts, letting the fairy tale go.
I don't know if this is going to be my new normal, that this pain will become a dull ache in my heart for the rest of my life. I can't imagine it wouldn't. Its ingrained in everyday life, in every culture and every media source: the beauty of giving birth to new life, nurturing it and watching them grow like you and different to you. Like a you version 2.0.
I was thinking about my family, and relieved that word has gotten around, because I didn't want to ever have to hear from them that question... and the more I thought about it, I found some comfort in that the other two cousins I have that are my age, also do not have children. One is recently married and a bit of a rebel (for an uber traditional upbringing such as ours) and the other is off pursing career goals and dreams and hasn't really had a steady significant other in a long time. So in that sense I don't feel like I'm being left behind, and my family is very compassionate and kind anyway. I just feel like I feel trying to figure out where I need to put up walls, where I am going to need to protect myself from next. Currently, I am just putting up walls within me, to protect me from falling apart and losing myself in grief. I don't have time or need for it. I just want to keep going.
But this weekend, grief has found me, through a crack in the walls and keeps trickling in every so often, wearing me down. And I am tired.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Updates, and wanting normal.

First, updates:
I got another BFN from the last IUI. This past month I decided I didn't want to go through all of that again but I didn't want to not try. I felt that since I had gone through the surgery and all of that, that I should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. So, I convinced myself that if it was going to happen because of the surgery than all I would need is the Femara, which is what I did. I am currently waiting for AF some time this week. I'm not gonna test or think about it, just wait. I am done stressing about my cycle and wondering what treatment is next.
This approach has been rejuvenating in a way. I know for some, it stresses them out to "not do anything" and "waste time" but for me, every month I've given myself off from treatment has renewed me, given me a reminder that there is a life that God has given me and I need to live it! It helps me find purpose in all that I do.
I had done some research and found out that all I need is 4 cycles a year and that there are some that just do progesterone treatments to let it happen every three months. I will need to consult with a doctor about it to make sure it is the right course of action for me and my specific condition, but I think that is what I'd like to do if possible. I will continue to monitor my diet and exercise and hopefully get back on the Metformin. Currently I am fighting my insurance company about it and am deciding if its worth it in the end. We shall see.
Emotionally, I am pretty good. I have moments of calmness and clarity. Certain things and situations don't bother me as much anymore. Seeing children and pregnant women doesn't make my stomach tighten and my heart ache. Instead I think: "I am so grateful to God that those women do not have to deal with these struggles, or if they did, I am glad they found resolve." I still have aches every once in a while, but not painful ones, but those of wanting time to quickly, because I know sometime soon I will have my child, to love, to hold, to teach, and to learn from, to share experiences and stories with.

In the meantime, I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to those friendships I cherish so much, and it seems so difficult to do. Everyone seems to be moving on, getting into serious relationships, having their 1st and 2nd children, moving, changing jobs, going to grad school. I feel like I have lost a lot of time being so turned inward in the last year with the move, the job and treatment, that I may have neglected or alienated my friends. And for me, family and friendships are so essential for keeping me sane, and keeping me who I am. Without them I feel ... invisible. I need to feel needed, to feel like someone is thinking of me. I try to keep traditions, movie premieres, game nights, instant messaging, to still feel connected, and its hard. I forget, they are busy, responsibilities get in the way, sometimes its even that I get in my own way, worried that that person I am trying to connect with doesn't care, doesn't have time, energy. I don't know if its all the infertility, or if its also just part of growing up... I just cherish having history with someone, feeling like they know me, at different stages in my life, so that they can look at me and honestly say: I know you, and you are still you. But to be honest, I don't feel like I have anyone in my life at this point that can say that. My oldest friends are so far away that I feel like they don't know the me of now, the me after all that I have lived, they know the teenager. And the person closest to me knows the 20-something and now, but not the teenager... I guess that is why I keep them all around, because together they all know me, in bits and pieces. And I think that is still definitely a blessing.

So for now, I will love the life I have to live, the amazing husband I have been blessed with and to continue to love, to grow and to get strong to prepare for that awaited time.