Relevant preface: I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but I am a geneticist and a nerd about it too.... Francis Collins is one of my heroes! (Recommendation: The Language of Life and The Language of God written by him).
I had the most wonderful feeling when I woke up this morning. I was filled with love for my husband! I was also in awe of how in love I felt with him after almost 10 years together, and then I was overwhelmed with gratitude for that love. As we lay in the stillness of the morning before the day began I got to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for this wonderful way to start my day. As I prayed I had that feeling again of wishing I could give him a child. But this time it had a different ring to it. Before I have felt that I wanted to give him a child because he deserves that joy in his life and because he'd be an amazing father, and because I know how much he has wanted that since we started dating and who knows how long before that. So, in part, it was a selfless desire, and mostly of just wanting to add joy to his life. Today, I felt all those other things, but I also thought, the world needs more of him. He is an amazing man, a generous, good hearted, loving, kind, man that dedicates his days to the betterment of society through his work as a high school teacher of science and life. He willingly gives of himself in this way and enjoys doing so, which is rarer than you think and says so much about his heart. I remember when I first was falling in love with him almost a decade ago, that was my favorite part, what I called in my diary, his golden heart. This morning overcome by this warm feeling of love and awe for all he does I wanted more of him. I wanted to make sure that it is people like him that reproduce and succeed in this life (enter genetics). Besides how super cute our children would be, it was more that I wanted his goodness, his altruistic soul, and his intelligence to live on past our years and to contribute, what I would hope would be, good genes to humanity through him. His family is small and the longevity genes from his mother's side die with him, with us. On his father's side there is some hope, but whatever blessed combination of nature and nuture that became my husband ends because of me, and I feel sad that humanity will miss out on that. Its a good case for a surrogate for sure. And on that note, I am going to say something insane... I kind of miss trying. I miss the hope (not so much the loss) of trying every month. I am still very much wanting to adopt from my country in the near future, but how great would it be, if I had that little miracle and I was able to contribute, at least one more of him... and hope his genes are dominant, and that its a male so that no daughter of mine would have to suffer what I have gone through thus far.