Monday, September 16, 2013

The usual what ifs...

I can't help thinking that one way or another my life is going to change once again after Wednesday's testing. I feel the usual despair for feeling hope like I do every time. I don't want to tell myself, just let it go, because I want to be able to hope, but at the same time feeling hope causes me such anxiety because if I hope, and it works out like it has in the past, I feel let down and I fall apart again. More than anything I am scared of losing myself again, of being so devastated and upset that I stop living for days, weeks, like it did before.
I also ache for my husband, because I know how he feels, because he feels the same as I do, and both of us hurting and feeling let down means that one of us is going to have to be strong for the other, and unfortunately I am never able to be the strong one. I know how bad he wants this, I know that he feels hope this time as well... he keeps talking about baby names, and comes up with new ones every day or so. I can't tell him to stop because I can't take that away from him, but I can't think that far. I can barely get past this minute, this hour, this workday.
I wish I could stop feeling that pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. That I could go about my day and not feel like my ears are buzzing, or that my head is spinning. I am fighting myself so hard, to not think that I can't stop thinking.

I'm tired Lord.... I'm tired and I don't know what to do. Help me.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

An important note

Dear readers,

Thank you so much for following me on my journey. I have been meaning to write this for some time now and I think it is crucial that I post this. I want to say something to those reading this, that are currently going through infertility, or those who haven't started and don't know what awaits them, or perhaps those reading that are concerned for friends or a family member.

I have gotten some feedback about some fears that my posts awaken, and I feel terrible for that. My posts I hoped were to raise awareness for PCOS, endometriosis, and the emotional aspects of infertility in general. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE's infertility journey is different. Especially with PCOS, where symptoms and levels of hormonal imbalance and insulin resistance are different for all of us.

My story is not yours, or any other stories you may read. Some may be uplifting because they had happy endings, and I look forward to writing mine when the time comes, but I know they can also be scary, as mine has been as of late. Please do not over-worry yourself for something that you are not sure will or won't happen to you.

I know that sometimes, those fears of the unknown are difficult to control, but my advice if you haven't started is that if you are thinking about it, are married and know that it is in your near future plans, start sooner rather than later. It will be less expensive in the long run, and hopefully less difficult the younger you start. You are never ready for a child, and there is no way to prepare yourself for it, it is better to make informed decisions and to remember the best advocate in any medical situation is yourself. The doctors can't read your mind, and you can change doctors if you are unsatisfied with the care you are being given. And most importantly of all, make sure you are doing this as a couple. Yes it may be your body, but the decision should be made together because the other is going to have to be your rock, your nurse, your time keeper/medicine reminder, your therapist, your shoulder to fall apart with, and have to deal with all that this journey comes with. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and strong husband to keep me together through all of this, and I can only hope that I am just as much of a support to him.

And as I have posted before RESOLVE is an excellent starting point if you have any doubts at all, or if you are encountering difficulties when trying to conceive.

Best of luck to you all, may God bless you, and thank you, for following me on this journey. Also.... feel free to comment :)

Update and the 2ww

I apologize in advance because I am on 400 mg of Progesterone and am a bit on the down side, and I also had a recent death in the family.

I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.

My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.

The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.

I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.

I just want to feel like I can breathe again.