Good riddance 2013

Its been a month since my last post, and some things have settled. The grief doesn't overpower me, and I can get through my day just fine. The new sadness that has overcome me is this feeling that I nothing to look forward to and live for. I guess I am more of a action-reward kind of person than I thought. Its like I am looking for a purpose every day that I wake up. For a while, Fridays gave me a panicky feeling because that meant that I wouldn't have enough to distract me from my thoughts of uselessness. At work at least I have things to keep me busy and co-workers to contend with or help. At home I just have this brand new empty house, with errands to run and chores to complete, and media to shut my brain off to.
At times I think I have nothing to complain about, I have the job I wanted (for now), people to hang out with, a husband that loves me more than anything, a beautiful new house with everything I've always wanted in a house.

I was sitting in the foyer the other day looking around the house to things that we could sell to relieve a bit of our debt, and in reflecting on it, I felt a kinship to it in a way. When we bought the house, it didn't look like I needed much work, and the inside looks great, fresh paint, hardwood floors in great condition, and remodeled kitchen, bathrooms, overall wow-factor. When it got inspected they found a bunch of little things, missing insulation, a seal broken in the large foyer window, some wood rot. Things we thought: no big deal. After we bought the house and started the repairs, we found more wood rot, more siding needed to get replaced than originally thought, the deck was in worse shape than expected, some minor plumbing issues, and recently we had to replace the stove. The small ticket items started to add up. It kind of felt like my infertility journey so far, it felt like a relief when I "passed inspection" HSG comes back normal, saline ultrasound ok, prexisting PCOS that I already knew about under control, but as we started treatment, things kept failing and a larger diagnosis was found: endometriosis.
I am otherwise content with my body, everything else works for the most part, everything major at least, heart, lungs, pancreas, brain (functional at least). I try to be grateful, and most days I can be.
But like this house that was bought with the purpose of an expanding family in mind, my body was made with the purpose of procreating, except no one told it that apparently. Its got all the right parts, this house has all the right rooms, but I have nothing to offer it from me.

Apparently I was still holding on to some sort of hope because when AF was 1 week late this month, and I tested today(BFN), I fell apart again. Its the end of the year and I can't help but reflect on this time last year and how I felt this sad, but I thought 2013 will be my year, it has to be! The statistics and numbers were all in my favor this time! And yet, here I am, end of 2013 and without an ounce of hope left that this year would provide, and with no expectations for 2014.

I still think 2014 is going to be a cool year, because of events occurring in spite of me, that I am looking forward to, most importantly the World Cup. I just don't want to go into the year with any expectations, this way, I hope to prevent anymore heart-ache. Though sometimes I feel guilty for having good days. As if I could actually move on from all of this. But then I get the reminder with days like today, that I may never truly move on, no matter what the outcome may be...

I also know that this is just a bad night, and that after I fall asleep, I will wake up refreshed. God will soothe my soul so I can get through one more day.

This I pray.

Tired

This has been a difficult week for me. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it is. Things at home have felt tense, work has been overly busy and co-workers are exhausting me mentally and emotionally. On Friday I felt really weepy. I felt tired and worn down, and emotionally drained. Saturday I was able to brush it off and keep going. But today again I feel it, the exhaustion, the sadness sitting in my chest, clouding my mind. I feel as though if I can name it, I can beat it, and I am trying. I think perhaps it is because this is truly the first month that I have no fertility plans. That I feel in the back of my mind as though I have "given up." I try to be optimistic, look on the bright side, and pray about the adoption plans as hard and fervently as I can, but inside there is still something that hurts. The fact that I am no longer pursing the dream of having my own child, mine and my husbands. I know I can love and care for a child that is not genetically mine, I know that I will be happy building our family through adoption. But right now, in this moment, it hurts, letting the fairy tale go.
I don't know if this is going to be my new normal, that this pain will become a dull ache in my heart for the rest of my life. I can't imagine it wouldn't. Its ingrained in everyday life, in every culture and every media source: the beauty of giving birth to new life, nurturing it and watching them grow like you and different to you. Like a you version 2.0.
I was thinking about my family, and relieved that word has gotten around, because I didn't want to ever have to hear from them that question... and the more I thought about it, I found some comfort in that the other two cousins I have that are my age, also do not have children. One is recently married and a bit of a rebel (for an uber traditional upbringing such as ours) and the other is off pursing career goals and dreams and hasn't really had a steady significant other in a long time. So in that sense I don't feel like I'm being left behind, and my family is very compassionate and kind anyway. I just feel like I feel trying to figure out where I need to put up walls, where I am going to need to protect myself from next. Currently, I am just putting up walls within me, to protect me from falling apart and losing myself in grief. I don't have time or need for it. I just want to keep going.
But this weekend, grief has found me, through a crack in the walls and keeps trickling in every so often, wearing me down. And I am tired.

Updates, and wanting normal.

First, updates:
I got another BFN from the last IUI. This past month I decided I didn't want to go through all of that again but I didn't want to not try. I felt that since I had gone through the surgery and all of that, that I should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. So, I convinced myself that if it was going to happen because of the surgery than all I would need is the Femara, which is what I did. I am currently waiting for AF some time this week. I'm not gonna test or think about it, just wait. I am done stressing about my cycle and wondering what treatment is next.
This approach has been rejuvenating in a way. I know for some, it stresses them out to "not do anything" and "waste time" but for me, every month I've given myself off from treatment has renewed me, given me a reminder that there is a life that God has given me and I need to live it! It helps me find purpose in all that I do.
I had done some research and found out that all I need is 4 cycles a year and that there are some that just do progesterone treatments to let it happen every three months. I will need to consult with a doctor about it to make sure it is the right course of action for me and my specific condition, but I think that is what I'd like to do if possible. I will continue to monitor my diet and exercise and hopefully get back on the Metformin. Currently I am fighting my insurance company about it and am deciding if its worth it in the end. We shall see.
Emotionally, I am pretty good. I have moments of calmness and clarity. Certain things and situations don't bother me as much anymore. Seeing children and pregnant women doesn't make my stomach tighten and my heart ache. Instead I think: "I am so grateful to God that those women do not have to deal with these struggles, or if they did, I am glad they found resolve." I still have aches every once in a while, but not painful ones, but those of wanting time to quickly, because I know sometime soon I will have my child, to love, to hold, to teach, and to learn from, to share experiences and stories with.

In the meantime, I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to those friendships I cherish so much, and it seems so difficult to do. Everyone seems to be moving on, getting into serious relationships, having their 1st and 2nd children, moving, changing jobs, going to grad school. I feel like I have lost a lot of time being so turned inward in the last year with the move, the job and treatment, that I may have neglected or alienated my friends. And for me, family and friendships are so essential for keeping me sane, and keeping me who I am. Without them I feel ... invisible. I need to feel needed, to feel like someone is thinking of me. I try to keep traditions, movie premieres, game nights, instant messaging, to still feel connected, and its hard. I forget, they are busy, responsibilities get in the way, sometimes its even that I get in my own way, worried that that person I am trying to connect with doesn't care, doesn't have time, energy. I don't know if its all the infertility, or if its also just part of growing up... I just cherish having history with someone, feeling like they know me, at different stages in my life, so that they can look at me and honestly say: I know you, and you are still you. But to be honest, I don't feel like I have anyone in my life at this point that can say that. My oldest friends are so far away that I feel like they don't know the me of now, the me after all that I have lived, they know the teenager. And the person closest to me knows the 20-something and now, but not the teenager... I guess that is why I keep them all around, because together they all know me, in bits and pieces. And I think that is still definitely a blessing.

So for now, I will love the life I have to live, the amazing husband I have been blessed with and to continue to love, to grow and to get strong to prepare for that awaited time.

The usual what ifs...

I can't help thinking that one way or another my life is going to change once again after Wednesday's testing. I feel the usual despair for feeling hope like I do every time. I don't want to tell myself, just let it go, because I want to be able to hope, but at the same time feeling hope causes me such anxiety because if I hope, and it works out like it has in the past, I feel let down and I fall apart again. More than anything I am scared of losing myself again, of being so devastated and upset that I stop living for days, weeks, like it did before.
I also ache for my husband, because I know how he feels, because he feels the same as I do, and both of us hurting and feeling let down means that one of us is going to have to be strong for the other, and unfortunately I am never able to be the strong one. I know how bad he wants this, I know that he feels hope this time as well... he keeps talking about baby names, and comes up with new ones every day or so. I can't tell him to stop because I can't take that away from him, but I can't think that far. I can barely get past this minute, this hour, this workday.
I wish I could stop feeling that pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. That I could go about my day and not feel like my ears are buzzing, or that my head is spinning. I am fighting myself so hard, to not think that I can't stop thinking.

I'm tired Lord.... I'm tired and I don't know what to do. Help me.

An important note

Dear readers,

Thank you so much for following me on my journey. I have been meaning to write this for some time now and I think it is crucial that I post this. I want to say something to those reading this, that are currently going through infertility, or those who haven't started and don't know what awaits them, or perhaps those reading that are concerned for friends or a family member.

I have gotten some feedback about some fears that my posts awaken, and I feel terrible for that. My posts I hoped were to raise awareness for PCOS, endometriosis, and the emotional aspects of infertility in general. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE's infertility journey is different. Especially with PCOS, where symptoms and levels of hormonal imbalance and insulin resistance are different for all of us.

My story is not yours, or any other stories you may read. Some may be uplifting because they had happy endings, and I look forward to writing mine when the time comes, but I know they can also be scary, as mine has been as of late. Please do not over-worry yourself for something that you are not sure will or won't happen to you.

I know that sometimes, those fears of the unknown are difficult to control, but my advice if you haven't started is that if you are thinking about it, are married and know that it is in your near future plans, start sooner rather than later. It will be less expensive in the long run, and hopefully less difficult the younger you start. You are never ready for a child, and there is no way to prepare yourself for it, it is better to make informed decisions and to remember the best advocate in any medical situation is yourself. The doctors can't read your mind, and you can change doctors if you are unsatisfied with the care you are being given. And most importantly of all, make sure you are doing this as a couple. Yes it may be your body, but the decision should be made together because the other is going to have to be your rock, your nurse, your time keeper/medicine reminder, your therapist, your shoulder to fall apart with, and have to deal with all that this journey comes with. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and strong husband to keep me together through all of this, and I can only hope that I am just as much of a support to him.

And as I have posted before RESOLVE is an excellent starting point if you have any doubts at all, or if you are encountering difficulties when trying to conceive.

Best of luck to you all, may God bless you, and thank you, for following me on this journey. Also.... feel free to comment :)

Update and the 2ww

I apologize in advance because I am on 400 mg of Progesterone and am a bit on the down side, and I also had a recent death in the family.

I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.

My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.

The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.

I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.

I just want to feel like I can breathe again.

A Whisper turning into a celestial shout

I believe in God. I have said that much so far in this blog, and all of my friends, acquaintances, and probably most co-workers know this. God is the center of my world. I have this belief that God has a path drawn out for us, a path that leads us to the ultimate joy in our lives. When we are most unhappy is when we are furthest from this path of His, when we are far from Him. I honestly believe this with all of my heart. During this journey, I have been angry, I have been resentful and upset for this portion of my path. I feel all of those things knowing inside that this is all part of it, and that God would NEVER put something in my life that He didn't believe I needed, or that I could survive, and come out stronger on the other side of it. I know that of all of the people in my life, if it is I that has to endure this, that my faith would get me through it, because he has put all of the right people around me to get me there. I am not doing this journey alone, and never really believed I did, even when I complained about my isolation.
I had begun to believe that as the journey got harder, it was because I wasn't getting something. I was missing a piece of the puzzle because I was SO focused on getting pregnant, of having a child of my own, on my terms, my way.
Then I began to get the whispers of adoption. My grandfather was adopted and that always made my heart twinge. Orphans, and foster children, their stories, always made something inside ache (and military families, but that I haven't figured out yet). So I began to think, perhaps I am so depressed because really, this journey is to make me see that we would make wonderful adoptive parents, and that out there, there is a child that is meant for me, that may not come from me, but that has our names in their hearts all the same.
I heard that song I posted about "Kings and Queens" that gave me joy, and I began to notice the adopted children that I worked with at church. I began to ask questions to address the fears that I had of psychological affects of adoption on children (fears that are still present but less important).
I knew that I would love to adopt given the opportunity and I was so blessed to have my husband be 100% on board with it. I realized that I would want to bring a child here from my own country. To give that child the opportunities my parents gave to me. All still just whispers and what ifs...
Today, I stayed home from work because I had been feeling crappy. I woke up, took a shower, in the shower I quickly decided on an outfit (this is relevant, stay with me). I rarely decide what to wear so easily, but I just knew which pant/shirt combo I wanted to wear today. Then, I went to pick out a purse, I was headed for the usual purse when I said to myself, I rarely wear my Nicaragua purse (a colorful purse that says NICARAGUA on it), I should wear it today, dust it off. So I do, now my outfit is colorful and complete. When DH came home, we went right back out and stayed out. We had dinner out, and decided to go to that comedy club that he saw yesterday, something to make me laugh and think of something else besides how crabby I have been lately. I didn't get a chance to go home and change like I usually do. We get there early, so we decide to wander around at a nearby shopping center, and come back about 20 mins before the show. I thought we could wander longer but DH said, he wanted to get good seats. So ok, back to the comedy venue. We get in and are in the lobby paying for the tickets when someone notices my purse and says "Are you from Nicaragua!?" so I turn around, smile and say "yes" This is where it gets weird. The friend of the person that asked me said "Really! I lived there for 2 years, and adopted two of my children from there!" and then I say "Really!? We have been thinking about adopting from there lately"... so how often do two strangers share this much information in the first minutes of meeting!? She tells me a little about her experience, and read my mind when I was hoping she'd share her info so I can get back in touch and get more information from her. She said now was the time, because of who was heading the orphanage, and that the staff is great, and that waiting time has gotten better.
In summary, a lot of encouraging information, and realizing that God's whisper to adopt has turned into Him jumping up and down in front of me shouting "I told you!!!"

So here I am, with this newly kindled fire in my heart, without being able to sleep, wondering how in God's name (literally) am I going to pull this off?? We are so in debt right now, we don't have a spare penny, or even any spare credit to begin to get this going, to hire a lawyer, who knows what else. I am wracking my brain, calling to God in prayer, asking him how to do this? I feel like this is the first ever true trial of faith He has ever placed for me. Others are nothing compared to this one. He is asking me to do something with which I have NO resources to complete. Like asking a me to feed a multitude with 2 loaves a bread and a fish.... So the first resource I will go to is the internet, surely there are scholarships, grants, something that might help us, at least to start. So here I go, God I hear you. I know. I trust in You.

Thank you for the neon sign your near sighted servant needed to see this clearer. Amen.

Post Surgery

All went well. Endometriosis diagnosis was positive. I won't post much until after my post-op with the RE when I get all the gory details. Thank you for your prayers :)

Surgery

In 15 hours I will be having my laparascopy and ovarian drilling, and honestly at this moment all I am dreading is the hours before where I won't be allowed to eat anything. My blood sugar drops pretty drastically, and makes me woozy I get REALLY cranky... I am hoping the adrenaline and anxiety will keep most of those symptoms at bay. I am also trying to eat a little before midnight and stay up as late as possible so I can sleep through most of it until I have to go, but as it is with most things, because I can't eat it will probably be worse than if I had just not wanted to. But before I know it I will have an IV in me with fluids and glorious anxiety meds and I will drift off to sleep, wake up a few hours later dazed and confused and start the recovery process.
My niece keeps asking me if I am nervous, and I am a little because of the unknowns, but I trust my doctor (obviously) and most importantly, I trust God. I know that this needs to happen, and He is guiding me through the whole thing and will hold my hand and guide my Dr.'s as he performs the procedure. I can't worry or do anything about those unknowns so the best I can do is just let it go.

Because I believe in God's mercy and grace I ask for your prayers for a smooth surgery and a speedy, easy recovery, and many enjoyable hours with friends, family and David Tennant ;)

See you on the other side!

Next, Next step

I finally was able to get myself into the RE's office after the failed IVF cycle to talk about what he thinks went wrong. He was very suspicious of the cycle because he said that I had 10 good sized follicles, and of those, we should have retrieved at least 8 eggs, and we only got 4. He discredited my theory of me having bad eggs because he said that the eggs, when fertilized were grade 4 and one was grade 3, and that the two that made it were high quality, so they should have implanted. After going over the numbers some more, he said that he suspects the uterine lining. He thought, perhaps I have endometriosis. This diagnosis has been a suspicion of every OB I have worked with but since it is difficult to diagnosis with certainty without laparascopy, it was just discarded.
I told the RE that I cannot financially or emotionally go through IVF again, at least not right now, and I asked, if IVF was my only chance. He said no. So we decided to go through with the ovarian drilling via laparascopy which will allow him to also go in and diagnosis the possible endometriosis and if its there, to clean it out. He said that a high percentage of women get pregnant within months of this procedure, even if they don't have endometriosis. He joked that its like he releases the bad humors in there and brings in good juju... it was kinda funny.
I am always very nervous about surgery and all of the things that could go wrong, but its worth a shot. Like creating a clean slate.

I cannot use the H word with this procedure, not because I don't think it will help, but because I am fresh out of it at this point. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I don't desire anything anymore. I am autopilot and kind of just want to get this over with, to get to a point that I have done all I can do so I can be at peace.
I do kind of miss that feeling though. That idea that beyond this procedure a-few-months-from-now-me is smiling back and me saying "don't be such a brat, this was good!" I want to imagine that, but I can't. I feel like if I let my guard down, just for a second, I will fall apart and I won't be able to keep going like I have been. I feel like am ok right now. I won't be great, I won't be happy to the full extent of the word, because, like I said before, something has been taken from me and I am still trying to heal, but I am ok with being OK right now. I am taking care of me and I am chugging along life as best I can. So, I can't let my guard down, I can't hope because I just don't know how to balance being OK and hoping at the same time.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." 

It all comes down to money...

Since our failed IVF embryo implant last month, I have been slowly picking up the pieces. We have decided to take a break for now. And I have to say, it is kind of liberating. Not having to think about peeing on a stick, I don't even know what day of my cycle I am at, or what shots, pills, vitamins I have to take when. I decided that I have to be serious about who I am and what I body can and cannot do. I have PCOS and therefore I have insulin resistance and hormone imbalance, and I am overweight. It is time to take care of me. My motivation of course is getting my PCOS symptoms under control and hopefully conceive on my own, but outwardly, I just want to feel better about myself. I want to stop blaming myself for the candy, chocolates, soda, cake, that I have eaten and do something about it.

So now, I am changing my eating habits and converting to the low glycemic index as my guide for how I eat. I joined the gym yesterday and I feel empowered. That is not a word that is hardly ever used during the infertility journey, and I know that it is not a promise that if I lower my glycemic intake, and exercise as I should that it will all magically get fixed, but at least I will feel like I am doing everything in my power to control this beast.

In the meantime we have been throwing around the adoption idea as well. We both REALLY want to do it, no matter what. The thing is, I don't want adoption to be a "last resource" or like I read once online, I don't want it to be the end of something, but the beginning. I also owe it to that child for them to know they are loved and wanted and in a home that will care for their every need. But as I think about, I try very hard to be realistic, and we just spent all of our savings on fixing up the house we just bought, our credit cards are maxed out, and we are just barely above water. Adoption is a HUGE financial burden that I don't know we can handle right now. I fear that money will become the huge giant elephant in the room and it will tear our marriage apart. It has always been a sore spot between us and I always get a knot in my stomach when we have to talk about it because I know that 9 times out of 10, we will end up getting angry or upset by the end of the conversation. Not to mention the scary statistics that most divorces are because of  financial differences. I bet a lot of times, when infertility separates a couple, it comes down to money as well. Don't quote me on that, its just a gut feeling.

So no matter how badly we want to get the adoption process started, we need to consider the consequences of our decision well, and those consequences are pretty much exclusively: MONEY.

If it weren't for money, we'd had bought at least the 2-IVF cycle package, and we wouldn't be second guessing when to start the adoption process. It is so frustrating that it comes down to one thing as the biggest obstacle for infertility resolution, and sadly for some, an impossible obstacle to overcome.

I felt JOY today!

It wasn't anything concrete, nothing spectacular happened, I didn't get the mystical BFP or anything like that. It felt more like God touched my heart today. I have been down and phasing between sadness, anger, emptiness, and just trying to keep going. In the meantime, though I have avoided going to church because I just don't want to find myself in a moment where I can't escape, I have been forcing myself to listen to the christian radio station on my commute. It helps me refocus, and try to find God in all of this.

So today, on my commute, I heard a song I had heard a few times before by Audio Adrenaline called "Kings and Queens"  and for the first time I actually listened to the lyrics. It talks about loving the "least of these," the lonely children, the children without a home. I heard it and it made my heart happy. It made me think about adoption again and realize it really is in my heart. This is something I really want to do. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it is the only thing right now that feels real, that feels like it is going to happen, and that thought, makes me feel joy. I haven't felt joy like this in... a long time.

I had been feeling resentful because I know that I have so much love to give, so much maternal love in my heart, my dedication to it that it can't be made, it had to come from Him. And I thought, if I have this natural instinct and love, why aren't You giving me a child of my own to love? Today, I realized, no matter what happens, I will be a mother, I will have a child to love, and they will be a gift from God, no matter how they come to me.

Numb

It didn't work. I got the news at work and had to leave because I was hysterically crying. The "blame voices" started filling my head. I was angry, upset, confused, and feeling like God was letting me down. But I didn't want to just curl up in my bed and cry, my anger kept me moving, I started cleaning the house. When my husband got home, I realized, this isn't just about me, he is hurting too, he is also disappointed and angry and upset, so I slowed down so we can heal together. But the difference is, I still blame myself. It was in my body that the embryos didn't want to implant, or they did and then didn't, who knows. But it was all me.
I still want answers, and I am still upset and angry at my lot in life. And scared, of the now more real possibility that my dreams of having my own biological children is more of a pipe dream than I ever thought.

TIck Tock

The clock is broken in the break room at work. It has been bothering me because I have the habit of looking up at it to see how long I have on my break, or in my work day. I can't do that anymore. It is too high for me to reach and fix and no matter how many times I complain about it, no one seems to remember to fix the darn clock.
It feels like a real life analogy of this 2 week wait. I want to forget what day it is and how many more days until I can be put out of my misery, but I can't help but look at the broken clock... the one that may or may not tell me what I want to hear.

I saw an amazing intense rainbow today after a pretty powerful storm that blew through my city. The clouds were still dark in the horizon but the rainbow shone with an intensity that seemed to defy the storm. I couldn't help but remember God's promise to Noah, to all of us, to me. You will never give us more than we can handle, and You will be there every moment to remind us of Your Glory.

Thank you for that spectacular reminder today. Your Glory and love is more important than that loud tick tock of a time metric that means nothing in the end. The only time that matters is designated time and place for all things.

Bed rest is not for the strong willed (stubborn)

So, here I am day 3 of "bed rest." Mostly strict bed rest for the 1st 24ish hrs, then kinda sitting up and and lying down at different times yesterday and today. I went out for a brief drive and meal w/ my parents who were in town, but now they are gone and it is just me and DH again. I realize there are only so many things one can do while not able to sit or stand for extended periods of time.
The thing that makes it worse for me is the uncertainty. What difference will it make that I walked those extra steps today, or that I wasn't entirely lying flat for the last 48 hours? I have read countless forums, infertility websites, and such that say one thing or the other, that you should increase blood flow and go about your life as normal. Of course they spout these things without statistics and I don't know any better so all I have is the word of my infertility clinic and hope that at some point I will be doing something right.
But I won't know anything for two weeks... WEEKS! Uuggh. I will go back to normal activities tomorrow because in the end, at least in my mind, it is in God's hands, and this is in his will I can be doing a triathlon and it will still happen. I am doing all of this mostly for my sanity. If something goes wrong, I won't allow myself to find blame in how long I sat or walked, or the time I got up 3 times in a row because I was tired of asking DH to do every little thing for me. 
It is a beautiful weekend outside with wonderful hiking weather and all I can do is ask DH to open the windows and imagine myself outside walking about.

On another, less whiny note, I did get to see the embryos before they transferred them and the cell bio geek in me was jumping for joy. And honestly, how many can say: "Gosh, it's like it was just yesterday I saw them at the blastocyst stage..."  =P

Emotional state: Clomid vs. IVF

I was reflecting on how calm I have felt relative to when I was doing the Clomid all of last year. It came up because I had an exceptionally annoying day at work, where co-workers told me about injustices toward other co-workers and those things usually upset me. Don't get me wrong, I was outraged and saddened by the things that people were telling me, but I didn't lose my temper, or go off somewhere to cry. I just said what I had to say and walked away, just as calm as before all of this.
I thought at first, that it must be that what I had heard about IVF drugs not being so bad, must be true. But then I thought about my state of mind, and it is different than when I was on the Clomid. Then, I felt like I was grasping at straws, and I didn't feel like anything I did made things better. I felt out of control of the whole thing, and that made me more miserable.
To decide to do IVF is not a light decision to make. There is a whole process of grieving, of releasing the control, of realizing that this time, its not going to be "natural" and that the storybook moment is not going to happen. For me, as a person of faith, I had to come to terms with this not necessarily being me "forcing God's hand" because in the end, it is still up to Him. And through that process I think I was able to release some of those "demons" that would make me lose myself in hysterics. I have come to peace with my condition and the facts that I cannot deny anymore. I have infertility, it is not my fault, and there is so much medical science can do for me, that there is no need to lose hope.

I am very hopeful that I will find peace, in the end. Praise be to my Merciful God.

Lows and Highs during treatment

I went in for retrieval on Sunday, and to be honest I was pretty scared. I called my good friend who has been through this twice before, and she reassured me it wasn't a big deal. And as usual, she was right. The sedation was kinda nice, I woke up well and was a bit sore but not too bad. I took the day off for the most part and when I did have to get up and walk, I was kinda slow because I was sore, like strong menstrual cramps. In the end when I woke up my nurse said: We got four! I was so happy. Not only is it my lucky/favorite number, but it feels like good odds to me.
Then, as it usually goes with this kinda thing, there was the waiting. Monday was a bit rough, trying to keep myself off the internet (unsuccessfully) googling things like "3 day vs. 5 day transfer" and "bed rest after transfer?" A word of advice, avoid reading blogs and forums as much as you can for things like this because your doctor is going to know best. You will always find someone who was successful and not with any situation, 3 day, 5 day, bed rest, back to work... any of those. I need to trust my doctor and let him call the shots. What worked for me, may or may not work for you. This is one thing I have learned about IF treatment, the unique and sometimes frustrating thing about this condition, as is with other diseases, is that everyone's is going to be different because all of our bodies are different.
So I waited, impatiently for my phone call. All the while all of these "ifs" swam around my head: what if they aren't fertilizing, what if I don't end up with anything to transfer, what if I only have the one,... I really want all four to fertilize so I have some to freeze for the future, or if, God forbid, it fails.
Finally, I got the call from the embryology lab to tell me, all four are growing and I will be doing a 5 day transfer. I am sure there were more details but unfortunately I had a difficult time understand the kind man's Asian accent, so I kept repeating what he said to make sure I understood the key points. I was so happy that after I called my mom, tears just streamed down my face.... finally tears of joy. I know this doesn't guarantee success, but I feel like I finally have a fighting chance.... that this may happen! And if it doesn't happen Friday, I have the opportunity to try at least one more time. Now, its all in His hands and if that embryo is to grow and become my child, it is His decision.

After all, God is good. :)

End of Week 1 - Pincushion

I feel like a pincushion.

I am finishing up my first week of IVF treatment, and so far, not too bad. I am on what I think is an average-low dose of the injections. We added the Ganarelix yesterday. I have gone in about 4 times for bloodwork and ultrasounds. More than anything it has been a nightmare of dealing with the insurance company. I don't want to complain because I am grateful that they are covering most of it, really all of it as of right now, but its been pulling teeth to actually get the meds when I need them. I have had to pay out of pocket twice now for medication that I hadn't received that they covered. It was painful but I just keep reminding myself that this is all worth it and its small potatoes in the scheme of things. I will complain about the unwanted/needed stress the insurance is putting me through on something that is already very stressful. But I can also say that everyone I have dealt with, though not all competent, have been kind and understanding while I try my darnest not to let the hormones get the best of me and my mild temperament. 
I keep trying to remember who I am and the strength that God has given me and of how grateful I am for the ability to afford all of this when there are others that only wish they could.

I have my moments of sadness, anxiety, uneasiness about the meds, the procedure, the expectations I try not to have. I can't help it though, sometimes, I get excited, to think of what might be, then I try to bring myself back and not allow myself to start dreaming, making plans, because it isn't a sure thing and it is in God's hands, as it always has been. I get scared because I think of upcoming events and can't help but wonder what state will I be in? I know this is a terrible idea because I've done it before.

It was a friend's wedding, November 2011, we had started trying that May and I avoided buying a dress for the longest time, hoping, wishing, that I would need something loose, maybe even from the maternity section. Then the wedding came, and I went out the weekend before to buy a dress, and when I came home with the non-maternity dress, I cried. And at the wedding, this beautiful gorgeous wedding, it was in the back of my mind... this wasn't how this evening was supposed to go, I was supposed to be glowing, happy, coyly turning down alcoholic beverages.

So no, I can't do that to myself again. I can't think about the future, I can't give myself ideas of what may be in a month, in three month, in six.

I have stopped being angry, I automatically avoid situations, conversations, I don't have to think about it anymore, I am always on the defense. I try to enjoy the little things, the nature walks I love so much, the company of my furry pets, of my friends, of being spontaneous and just getting up and going somewhere, of being able to do the work I have a passion for. So instead I dream about the future of my career, of my field, what I can do in a few years when I go back to school, all of the possibilities that are out there for me, no matter what my situation. I am alive, and I have a life to live, a life to give back with, that is my purpose and that is what I can focus on right now.

IVF Treatment Day 1

Today I started my injections for the IVF treatment. I am usually that person that reads all of the possible side effects and hyperventilates if I see "nausea and vomiting." But this time I was too concerned about my husband having to stick a needle in my arm that I didn't even bother looking at the side effects. But he did great. It hurt more when the medicine was going in than the needle prick but it passed quickly and after a little bit of tummy grumbling (which was probably mostly from the stress) I have been ok and its been about an hour.  All modesty aside, I feel pretty proud of us.

I was thinking about hope the other day. A lot of inspirational notes I have read say something about how who you are is more about how you get back up than it is about what pushed you down. It reminded me of the phoenix, it burns up, as hope seems to burn up and disappear month after month, but once I saw that positive LH surge, that phoenix, that hope, is reborn, and comes back to life, and lights up in my heart.  Right now, with the treatment and the hope of actually achieving fertilized embryos, of the possibility of life within me, of another heartbeat, it just fills my soul with such light. God, please... give me peace. 

On another note, I was surfing FB trying to stay distracted when I read a post from my best friend's husband commenting about her being in surgery and I freaked. She wrote to me the other day to say hi and asked how I was and I told her I was doing as best I could and had put it all in the hands of the Lord, but we never talked about her and I didn't even know she was getting knee surgery. I was so upset with myself. I felt like I was being so egotistical and self-centered that I didn't even bother to ask how she was and if she was ok. I sent her a message through the hubby and a private message apologizing for being self-centered.... its not enough as far as I am concerned and I feel terrible. I will pray for her recovery and try to wake up from this stupor that I feel I am in where the universe seems to revolve around my infertility and try to pay more attention to those who are always taking care of me.  R.G. I love you.

Starting the process

So an update on our IVF journey. I just went in for my Saline Ultrasound at my doctors office. NOTE: Unfortunately, since the metformin has been doing a number on me, it was probably incredibly more painful and uncomfortable than for most, so don't let my post scare you.
I am currently nursing my cramps on the couch with the loosest clothing I could find, a warm blanket and some seltzer (my comfort drink). I would take a painkiller but they made me take a surprise antibiotic right before the procedure and  that already does a number on my horribly sensitive tummy, so I'd rather not push it. Plus I'm tougher than I read.
So the plan is that I go back to the dr. office in 6 days and start the bloodwork and ultrasound part of it, and then they give me the calendar for the meds.

So this is it, its really happening. I am scared that I am so optimistic about this... I know that I shouldn't think about the other end of this, but I can't help it being in the back of my mind.

My parallel plan is to keep myself as busy and entertained as possible. We have the house closing coming, the weather is getting nice (more nature hikes), lots of great movies coming out (Iron Man 3, Before Midnight, Great Gatsby, and Star Trek), lots of good books to get lost in, though I am still working on Cloud Atlas, and maybe a trip or two to the lake house. Throw in some boardgame nights and I should be all set.

I just pray that I can keep my sanity throughout this whole thing, because this TWW is going to be one of the worst... God give me strength... 

Anger

I have saved in draft form a post I have been wanting to write about the inspiration of our biblical matriarch and their struggles with infertility, but I just can't work on it today. I am so angry right now. I am angry at how miserable the Metformin is making me, angry at myself for not knowing of other ways of comfort besides food, angry at our culture in gifting horrible sugary foods as a means of reward, angry that I have to be in this situation and that I was dealt this hand in life.

I spent most of the day trying not to think about the stomach and headaches, being focused on work, on other people that need me, on music, when I heard the song "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas. I had heard that song a million times before, but I didn't listen until now and the lyric that says "She'll be alright, just not tonight." Yeah...

I go in and out of anger, and I try to systematically figure out what triggers it, if its a certain time of the cycle, or a medication or a conversation, but it seems to always be something different. I can't explain it, I can't understand it, and that drives me crazy. 

Sharing for NIAW has been interesting. I feel like people would rather ignore my posts because they don't want to have to deal with it. And that is their prerogative. I have no choice in the matter, and I do have to deal with it, every minute of every day. I just hope that someone somewhere is helped, or thinks twice when in a conversation that could potentially be with a person silently suffering.

Darn you overactive subconscience!

I didn't sleep well last night, or well, I slept, I didn't dream well. I don't know if I have mentioned before but one of the symptoms of PCOS is anxiety. My anxiety manifests mostly in the glorious form of night terrors. Apparently its not just a childhood thing. I have horrible dreams when my anxiety is not well controlled. I am on meds that I take at night to help me sleep, but sometimes there aren't enough meds in the world.

So last night I kept having this surreal dream of being in a family gathering where everyone is eating a family specialty called "raspado" and its essential a snow cone with fruit or milk based toppings. Its just sugar. Which of course is a manifestation of me being terrified of sugar since I have had to go back on the Metformin and it really hates when I eat anything too sugary. Anywho, back to the dream, so everyone is sitting around enjoying their sugary concoction when all of the sudden an alarm goes off and I excuse myself from the gathering, I had to go get an injection. Apparently there was some sort of chinese guru in the back room that was doing my injections (manifestation of the acupuncture debate I had with my husband). It was this horrendous needle and it made me feel so tired and sleepy that I just couldn't handle going back to my family gathering.

All of this doesn't sound to terrifying, but I woke up still very anxious and now thinking a million thoughts a second about the upcoming treatment and how scared I am about pumping all those meds into my body, and the logistics of it all, and how its going to work out with my work schedule, and all the other millions of questions that don't really need answers but are swimming around in head.

I had been trying to not think about it and suppress my anxious thoughts, but I started cramping the other day, a sure sign that AF is coming and this whole thing is about to "get real."

I'm at work trying really hard to keep it together but the exhaustion from poor sleep and the anxiety, as well as the fact that I feel like an outsider here really isn't helping. I have my great Startalk podcasts to keep my mind busy, and just wait till 8 hours from now when I can go home to the comfort of my husband and some mind-numbing TV.

Trying to stay sane, again.

We had our IVF education class on Thursday and I was trying so hard to keep it together and not just burst out crying "I never thought it would come to this!" It was scary and overwhelming but I tried to think of it as an educational science class as much as possible and detach myself and my emotions from the information being given. I think in part I am still trying to do that, to think that the circumstances of this happening are still so far off. I know for some IVF is the only solution and they are excited to start it as I was cautiously excited to start Clomid.

I have a very difficult time assimilation changes to the plan I have built in my head. It can be something as simple as having plans for lunch out at noon and then having them cancelled, or it can be as mind blowing as thinking in 6 months I'll be pregnant, and 10 months later still wondering what is going on? I lose my focus, I can't imagine thinking ahead to the next step because my mind is still figuring out what to do about the plan change, my mind is very systematic like that.

At work I just want to scream "Everybody stop being happy and chatty, I am in pain!" It is obviously unfair and unrealistic that having everyone be miserable with me will actually help in anyway but its so hard to see what I think is others living their lives like any other day when my world just got turned upside down. Now, I am a rational, empathetic person and can understand that not everyone is having just an ordinary day and someone else might be in just the same amount or more pain that I am in, but that reality doesn't help either.

I'm ranting... this blog post is making no sense, like the thoughts in my head make no sense. But expressing it seems to be calming the knot in my throat and the fuzzy head I have right now.

I am sure there is something comforting I can tell myself right now, I am sure God has some wonderful wisdom to instill on me at this moment, but I can't hear it over all of the noise in my head. I just want to curl up and cry and pity myself and be scared for a minute or two... maybe tomorrow, cause I don't have time for it today.

Strength? or Naivity?

This has been the most calm I have ever been in during the dreaded 2ww. I'm not sure why... Maybe it has to do with how busy and interesting things are at work, or that the weather is getting nice, or that things are working out with the house buying situation.Sometimes I feel like its that I am jaded, all hope lost, and other times, its the complete opposite and I feel naive, thinking "maybe just maybe this time! Because I felt this, or did that."

I have been thinking about the RESOLVE Awareness week, and thinking about making this blog "public." Obviously it is, and people can read it or find it if they search, and choose to, but I was thinking about making a closer impact, in the lives of people I know. There are many reasons why one decides to tell the world about your "situation," disease, diagnosis... whatever you want to call it, and I have been thinking long and hard as to why I would want to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that I would want to do it to maybe, hopefully, prevent others from having to suffer in silence around people's stupidity unawareness...? I am struggling to find the right word. Its for all of those times when conversations go like:

"How long have you been married? So what are you waiting for?"
 or
"Take your time having kids, and enjoy your freedom, cause then its all downhill from there."

or when having hinted or expressed trouble conceiving they say things like:

"You're still so young! Don't worry!" as if my husband, me and my doctors were overreacting.
or
"I had this friend that went on a vacation/adopted a kid and then BOOM! Got pregnant! You just need to relax!" ooooh that one gets my blood boiling.
 or
"Maybe its stress??"
or
"Maybe you need to lose weight."
 or
"Have you thought of IVF/Adoption?"  REALLY?? Gosh you are so smart, I didn't even know I had those options!

And I know they don't mean harm, but that is the point I am getting at... there is this sense that infertility is your FAULT, and that I am doing something wrong and clearly I should just "insert unsolicited advice here." I feel like I can help break that stigma, and reduce the insensitive commentary that could be hurting others and making this all the more difficult, at least within what I'd like to think is my mostly rationally-minded social circle. I may be risking exposing myself to all of that unsolicited advice, or pity, but if I can help others not have to suffer in silence like I have for the last 2 years, it could be worth it.

Words hurt. More than seeing pregnant women or happy babies after a BFN, more than annoying pregnancy annoucements of FB, its those words, that have been the hardest to deal with. Because in trying to avoid those conversations, I have isolated myself from others, avoided making new friends, especially if they are married, and I have avoided talking to married friends. Those conversations also reinforce that devil in my head that tells me everyday "This IS your fault, you ARE doing something wrong."

So on April 21, I will post about my infertility on Facebook, I will post links to this blog, and others that may help spread awareness, spread facts and information, so as to hopefully prevent regrets from those who start trying too late, but also to prevent more pain to those already in the process.

And as I tell myself on my toughest days: "There is an end to this, one way our another, I will find PEACE."

When a hunch becomes reality

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I was unhappy with the wishy-washyness of my doctor and so I was going for a second opinion. I am glad I did when I did. I spoke to the new doctor who, didn't have as nice bedside manner as my previous doctor, but he was effective and to the point. He told me something my doctor never told me, and I hope that you know this as well, there is a 10 cycle lifetime max to clomid, after that you increase your risk of ovarian cancer, which is already high with people like me, with PCOS. I am on my 8th cycle. I was furious! After all the research and looking up all I could on treatment and things, I never read such a thing. Now, it could very well be that this new doctor is overly cautious, but with a thing like cancer, you can never been too cautious, at least not as far as I'm concerned.

He also told me that I shouldn't have stopped the Metformin, because it helps me have better egg quality and that without it the testosterone creates a harden shell around my eggs, making fertilization difficult. My old doc said that because I was having such bad GI side effects that it was ok to stop. She said studies showed that as long as I was on it for a little it should help. Grrr!!

So he have me two options at this point: Ovarian drilling via laparascopy or IVF. YIKES! Ovarian "Drilling"? It sounded painful and scary, and he said it may or may not work, and that I may end up needing IVF anyway. My husband and I talked it over for a minute and the decision that I thought I would never be able to make, came to me very easily, we are going to do IVF. Hopefully my chances are good, and I will only need to do this once. I have a sort of renewed hope, a calm in my soul with this decision.

Now of course, my doc says, in a means of lightening the mood says: maybe you save yourself 10k and get pregnant this cycle! I appreciated it, but now I am hoping for that more than I ever have. My last chance... at doing this the way I always dreamed. Not with the injections, and the thousand doctor visits, and artificially. I can't get my hopes too high, but at least today, right now, there is STILL Hope.

I don't know how this is going to turn out, and I am still kinda scared. I'm scared of the meds, and the sedation, and keeping my sanity...I dunno what to think about all this. All I can do is pray.

The Passion

Last night I meditated on Jesus' prayer on the Mount of Olives. Jesus cries and pleads with God the Father: " Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done.’ Then an angel from heaven appeared to him and gave him strength." (Luke 22: 39-44). I feel Christ's pain, his anguish tears at my heart, because you know what you have to do, and your weak will does not want to do it, but it is not our will but His, and as difficult as it is to let go of that control, deep down inside you know that God is there to give us strength, and He will not forsake us.

One morning after a difficult evening, battling the demeantors (depression), I woke up with a song in my head. I didn't really recognize the song, I may have heard it once or twice on K-LOVE, but not one I sing along to at the top of my lungs on the way to work or anything. The lyrics are what touched me, the one verse that was stuck in my head was: "Not for a moment, will you forsake me." I couldn't pin point the song until later in the week when I heard it again, that was when I realized, God had sent me an angel to comfort me in my sleep and sing this Meredith Andrew's song "Not for a Moment."

I now sing it to myself when I am feeling blue and feel like I can't get through the next hour, much less the day.

Christ came to this world to be human, to suffer as humans suffer, to hurt, and hunger, and thirst, and tire, and bleed, as we do. He came to show us how GREAT God's love truly is, that He loved us so much, that he gave his life, the life of his only son, to wash away our sins, so that we may live! And He lives with us, inside us, around us, above us.

So I am reminding myself today, that when I suffer, when I beckon the Lord to do his will, and secretly hope it is the same as mine, Jesus has too. And when I have felt alone and let down by those around me because they have tired, so did He, when the disciples fell asleep at the hour he needed them. Jesus knows my pain, he suffers it with me. I am NOT alone. And not only that, but the Lord answers prayers. It may not be what I expect, but there will be an end, an answer to my prayers. And that is all I can ever hope for.

Thank you God, for your amazing love.

Being genuinely happy and distraught at the same time

A big part of infertility is dealing with the ugly emotions that come out when good things happen to others around you. Its aweful. I find myself dreading meeting up with, or receiving a call from a friend, especially if they are married or in a committed relationship because I know that there is a chance they are calling me with their "great news!" I am genuinely happy for those close friends who do get pregnant and I do pray everyday that a loved one does not have to go through what I am going through.

Recently very close friends, some we both consider family, called us with their great news. They, of course, knew of our struggles, and were very kind to give us enough heads up before they "go public" with the news. It was via Skype because we currently reside about 4 hours away from each other, and when they started rambling and humming and ha-ing, my stomach did a somersault, and squeezed my husband's hand so hard, I knew what was next... still now, weeks later I still get clammy just thinking about that conversation.

(NOTE: Please check out Resolve's Infertility Etiquette about how to tell an infertile friend you are pregnant if you are in this situation, your friend will be grateful)

There are many reasons for how I felt. It reminded me of the time, a few years back, when we were two newly wed couples dreaming up our futures together. I still remember where we were for this conversation, visiting Mt. Vernon, the four of us. It was a beautiful spring day, my husband, joking around, said that it would be better if both ladies got pregnant at the same time so that they could get it over with at once, and suffer together. My girlfriend and I are both very cautious (read paranoid and hypochondriacs), and have panic attacks at the first feelings of nausea, so they knew how "fun" we'd be when the time came.... We started trying before they did, because they had things to sort out, and we knew we had to start sooner rather than later.... I still thought, I'd get pregnant first, then she'd get the bug and we'd still get to experience it together. I don't know when they started to be honest, but I know it wasn't much time before they were expecting.

After they broke the news and I gathered up the courage and strength to congratulate, smile and tell them how genuinely happy I was for them, asking her how she felt, and then hope the conversation would end... every minute it continued I could feel the sob gathering in my throat, I needed for them to end the call, and it wasn't happening. I didn't want her to see me cry or walk away from the conversation because she'd know why. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me, I wanted her to experience the complete joy without worrying about me. But I didn't make it, I had to get up and leave. I closed the doors to the bathroom in our one bedroom apartment, and just lost it. I sobbed, and tried so hard not to, but it wouldn't stop.  I kept thinking:  "why me?!" why do I have to suffer all of this pain, abuse on my body, my soul? Why does God think I am strong enough to endure all this? What if I can't? How much longer Lord?!

My agony was not because of my friend's pregnancy, it was because of my hardship. I hated myself, and still kinda do, for not being able to just say "good for them! It'll happen for me too some day!" Truth is, the uncertainty is there, and it gnaws at me every month after the BFN.One of my doctors once said "Its not a matter of IF, but WHEN." And I believed her then.... 4 cycles ago. I have not lost hope, every month there is a renewed sense of hope that thought of "maybe this is my month," maybe I get it right this time, whatever that means.

So... in the end I decided to make up a humorous and helpful "Oh Sh*t Kit" pregnancy survival gift for her when I see her during Easter. I need her to know how happy I really am, and that I prayed so hard for them to never have to deal with this, because I love them. Because in the end, we are going through this for, and finding strength in, that reason... LOVE.

So far...

My infertility journey so far: I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 years old (12 years ago). I didn't really know what it meant for me then. I just took the birth control pills, as I was told, to regulate my cycles. My older sister had irregular cycles too so it seemed pretty normal to me. A a check-up the following year, I decided to ask questions about "my condition." The dr. told me that for now, I am ok, but when I was thinking of starting a family, that I would probably need some extra help. I am grateful for the heads up, I shared it with my, now husband, then fiancé, and he was aware of it as well. We decided to take our time. I was finishing my bachelors the long way, full-time work and being a student, so we waited till I was done with school. We got married young and I figured as long as we started to try by the time I was 28 we'd be ok.

I stopped my birth control pills (BC) May 2011, and started working with my OB. I gained 15 pounds in two months and I was really not happy about that. She ran some blood tests and said that my hormone levels were not terribly out of range and that I should try on my own for a bit. Two months after I hadn't gotten my period, I wasn't pregnant and I started to get worried. She ran more tests, I came back negative for endometriosis or cervical abnormalities. She then gave me a round of progesterone to kick start my period, next thing I knew I had a month-long period, and my OB didn't know how to stop it. That was when she referred me to the Fertility Center. My first appt there was December 2011, and they did the full work-up, blood tests, genetic testing, HSG, all coming back reasonably normal. My hormone levels were a bit off but nothing too alarming. My reproductive endocrinologist (RE) first had to put me back on BC for a month to thin out my uterine lining, the following month he started me on Clomid 50 mg and Metformin. I was excited about the Metformin at first cause I had read that it could help me lose weight and make conceiving easier. They monitored me through bloodwork and ultrasounds, and it wasn't working, no ovulation, no weight loss. then I got the job in another state and had to move, pretty much right away.

I was kind of relieved to take a break from all of that for a couple months, to give myself time to get situated in my new state, new job, and then find a new doctor and start all over. Not to mention the fact that the Metformin was giving me such horrible GI side effects! My new doctor at the fertility center was kind, I told her that all I cared about was a chance to be a mother, I had no deadline, no rush, I just wanted to ovulate and let nature take its course. She was super onboard and it was great! After 2 months getting me back on track she got me to ovulate with Clomid 100 mg, and without the Metformin. So then we started the timed intercourse regimen, we were taking our vitamins everyday, trying to stay calm and hopeful. First month, nothing... "ok" I thought "this is still within statistical probability" (yes this is how I think, sometimes its hell in my head). Second month, third month, nothing... what!? I was ovulating, timed intercourse, I thought everything else was normal so what is going on? I got concerned, my husband was getting a bit impatient and tired of being told when to "perform," so we asked to see the RE. She was a bit condescending this time, she said we should give it 6 months, and if nothing then we'd talk, but that if we were impatient we could try IUI "early" and gave us a sheet with info on how to go about it. I left pretty upset and unhappy with her. Fourth month w/ just Clomid and nothing... I said, one more month and then we can see. I also wanted to wait till our new year of FSA funds came in. We were really worried about how much it was going to cost. My insurance wasn't paying for the IUI, though they were paying the dr. visit, meds and ultrasounds. Fifth month... nothing. So January 2013 we tried our first IUI with no result, last month we had our 2nd IUI, and big fat heartbreaking nothing.

I decided I wanted a second or I guess, 3rd opinion at this point. I have an appt on April 3rd with a new Fertility Center. 

The hardest part about all of this is that I am hopeless romantic... I believed that I would have a happily ever after, I would get married, enjoy our youth for a while then expand our family, just like that, it would magical and when I got that positive test result, our adult life adventure would begin.
When we decided to try IUI, I had a hard time of letting the last bit of that dream go... it was not going to be natural and magical, it was going to be artifical and calculated. It was really difficult for me to make that transition. And now, with 8 months of ovulating and failed results starring me in the face, I feel like I've been a fool in thinking it would be like I always dreamed, and that I need to face reality, and reality may very well be, that if I really want to be a mother, I need to consider... IVF.

For the longest, I had put my foot down at IVF, I thought: "its forcing the hand of God" and if its not meant to be, then so be it. But I said that with hope that it wouldn't come to that. Now that its here, and I may need to consider it, I am not so staunch, high and mighty.

Right now, I am just taking this month off of IUI, and just doing Clomid. It hasn't been an easy month, my appetite is off, and today during the Palm Sunday service while the kids were walking around the sanctuary waving their palms, I lost it. I started to cry and so I prayed so hard that no one would notice because why on earth would anyone be crying on such a joyous celebratory Sunday??  I tried to make it look like allergies and during the Children's sermon I ducted out and wiped my face. By the time I got back in, all the kids had left and I could focus on worship again. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it just creeps up on you so suddenly!

Waiting for something amazing... I guess.

First of all, hello and welcome :) This is my very first blog entry, ever. Well if we don't count the silly college IT class assignments. I have been hesitant to write a blog about my infertility journey, because I was worried about what others would think of me, and because I am a somewhat private person. I don't tend to overshare. But in my searching for blogs that may provide me comfort, I never really found anything that I was willing to read through. So I decided, instead of expecting something to be out there for me, that maybe I could try it out and maybe fill a void, because, just maybe, I am not alone.

A little about me that may be relevant in future posts... faith is a HUGE part of my life. I was raised Roman Catholic, though my family themselves were not church goers, just devote in prayer and living. I married a wonderful man that was somewhat raised Jewish but that doesn't really do the organized religion thing. I am very grateful for how supportive he is of my faith. After we got married, I went through a bit of faith crisis/journey and decided I was more in tune with the Presbyterian beliefs and converted two years later. When I was 18 moved very far away from my best friends, and then very recently moved to another state for job reasons. Now we are living on our own, away from family and most friends. Don't get me wrong, we love it here, the job opportunities for me are great, and we both love the area we are in... it just gets lonely sometimes.

Also, I am a bit of a nerd. My husband would scowl at me right now and say... "a bit??" but he is too so its ok :) We are both nerdy young scientists, boardgame geeks, and Disney/Pixar fanatics.... hence my blog title. When I was thinking up a name for my blog, I tried to think of a way to summarize what my journey has been like so far, and it came down to waiting, waiting for results, waiting to start a new cycle, the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww). Then I heard it, in the back of my mind... the quote from "The Incredibles"..: What are you waiting for? I don't believe in demanding things of God, giving Him expectations, deadlines, in other words, telling God how to do His job. I believe there is a bigger picture, a greater plan, and only He, in his infinite wisdom really knows the outcome of all this and it is the best outcome for me, eventually. And on my "saner" days which are few and far between, I can believe that, and that is enough for me. All I can hope for is for "something amazing" to happen one day. But, on the days when the universe seems to conspire against me, I rant and rave, fume and pout like any other person, faithful or not.

So this blog is a place for me on either of those days of sanity, anger and any in between. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, and you are on a similar journey of hoping for something amazing.... I wish you the best of luck and may God bless you with peace at the end of it all.

P.S. I also highly recommend checking out the RESOLVE website for information, support, and great resources.