I felt JOY today!

It wasn't anything concrete, nothing spectacular happened, I didn't get the mystical BFP or anything like that. It felt more like God touched my heart today. I have been down and phasing between sadness, anger, emptiness, and just trying to keep going. In the meantime, though I have avoided going to church because I just don't want to find myself in a moment where I can't escape, I have been forcing myself to listen to the christian radio station on my commute. It helps me refocus, and try to find God in all of this.

So today, on my commute, I heard a song I had heard a few times before by Audio Adrenaline called "Kings and Queens"  and for the first time I actually listened to the lyrics. It talks about loving the "least of these," the lonely children, the children without a home. I heard it and it made my heart happy. It made me think about adoption again and realize it really is in my heart. This is something I really want to do. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it is the only thing right now that feels real, that feels like it is going to happen, and that thought, makes me feel joy. I haven't felt joy like this in... a long time.

I had been feeling resentful because I know that I have so much love to give, so much maternal love in my heart, my dedication to it that it can't be made, it had to come from Him. And I thought, if I have this natural instinct and love, why aren't You giving me a child of my own to love? Today, I realized, no matter what happens, I will be a mother, I will have a child to love, and they will be a gift from God, no matter how they come to me.

Numb

It didn't work. I got the news at work and had to leave because I was hysterically crying. The "blame voices" started filling my head. I was angry, upset, confused, and feeling like God was letting me down. But I didn't want to just curl up in my bed and cry, my anger kept me moving, I started cleaning the house. When my husband got home, I realized, this isn't just about me, he is hurting too, he is also disappointed and angry and upset, so I slowed down so we can heal together. But the difference is, I still blame myself. It was in my body that the embryos didn't want to implant, or they did and then didn't, who knows. But it was all me.
I still want answers, and I am still upset and angry at my lot in life. And scared, of the now more real possibility that my dreams of having my own biological children is more of a pipe dream than I ever thought.

TIck Tock

The clock is broken in the break room at work. It has been bothering me because I have the habit of looking up at it to see how long I have on my break, or in my work day. I can't do that anymore. It is too high for me to reach and fix and no matter how many times I complain about it, no one seems to remember to fix the darn clock.
It feels like a real life analogy of this 2 week wait. I want to forget what day it is and how many more days until I can be put out of my misery, but I can't help but look at the broken clock... the one that may or may not tell me what I want to hear.

I saw an amazing intense rainbow today after a pretty powerful storm that blew through my city. The clouds were still dark in the horizon but the rainbow shone with an intensity that seemed to defy the storm. I couldn't help but remember God's promise to Noah, to all of us, to me. You will never give us more than we can handle, and You will be there every moment to remind us of Your Glory.

Thank you for that spectacular reminder today. Your Glory and love is more important than that loud tick tock of a time metric that means nothing in the end. The only time that matters is designated time and place for all things.