I've been following some pretty great Pinterest boards and blogs on Infertility lately and it has helped me reflect on my journey thus far. One thing that I have noticed I usually cringe at is when I see "pins" or blog posts that say something about living through storm and darkness and that soon light (image of baby) is coming. Now, I don't want to sound jaded or bitter, I want to think I am writing this in kindness to my "co-journers".
I think that we do ourselves a lot of harm when we make having a child our ultimate goal. Along the journey most of us will say: "Once I get a BFP..." or "Once I'm pregnant..." or "Once I'm a parent..." then I will be happy! All of this pain, suffering, difficulties, it will all be worth something and I will be worth something.
I think I can safely say we have all experienced these thoughts.
I feel that one of the things that has helped me the most in my survival through treatment, and now my healing, is that I forced myself to remember that what I seek is peace. I started this journey with an unrest in my heart that there was a hole, an emptiness in my life that I felt needed to be filled. I thought long and hard of why I wanted to be a mother. I can't go on this journey without knowing my true reasons. I have a terrible flaw of being stubborn and closed minded once I've decided I want something, and that can range from the need for something material like a dress or shoes, or something immaterial like a specific type of friend, or in this case a child of my own. I knew that of myself and because I knew the nature of what lay ahead I knew that to have strength on the darkest days I needed to know for sure why I was doing this. I prayed and meditated over my reasons and decided that the underlying, true reason I was going to put us both through this was because I wanted peace. I wanted to give us the best chance possible to grow our family. I am a scientist and I needed to try all methods I thought were within our reach and our comfort zone. And I did. And it didn't work. And I have grieved and lived through the pain, the despair, and the feeling that I am a completely useless woman if I can't give my husband a child. Then... I remembered. I remembered my goal. My goal was to feel like I did everything within our power (and even stretched a little farther with IVF). In the end its in God's hands, and I got to the point were I said "enough." probably holding on even longer than my husband expected or wanted, but I needed to feel like I tried it all (again, within my own comfort zone which will be different for every couple).
My point is, I am striving for peace in the unrest of my heart. For this part of the journey, the medical part of the journey, I feel I reached that peace. I gave it my all, our all. Now we wait. We wait for something amazing to happen. I don't know what that will be, if realizing personal, professional, or spiritual goals, or if adopting is in our cards, or what miracle is yet to occur. I have faith in God that He will give me peace and when I receive it, I will know.
So to you, who is going through this challenging and difficult part of life, I ask you to look deep within yourself and find your true reason. I hope it helps you through your darkest days, and it keeps you from forgetting that there is a life to live, and you are worth it! God's Love amazing! Steadfast and endures forever!