Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Next, Next step

I finally was able to get myself into the RE's office after the failed IVF cycle to talk about what he thinks went wrong. He was very suspicious of the cycle because he said that I had 10 good sized follicles, and of those, we should have retrieved at least 8 eggs, and we only got 4. He discredited my theory of me having bad eggs because he said that the eggs, when fertilized were grade 4 and one was grade 3, and that the two that made it were high quality, so they should have implanted. After going over the numbers some more, he said that he suspects the uterine lining. He thought, perhaps I have endometriosis. This diagnosis has been a suspicion of every OB I have worked with but since it is difficult to diagnosis with certainty without laparascopy, it was just discarded.
I told the RE that I cannot financially or emotionally go through IVF again, at least not right now, and I asked, if IVF was my only chance. He said no. So we decided to go through with the ovarian drilling via laparascopy which will allow him to also go in and diagnosis the possible endometriosis and if its there, to clean it out. He said that a high percentage of women get pregnant within months of this procedure, even if they don't have endometriosis. He joked that its like he releases the bad humors in there and brings in good juju... it was kinda funny.
I am always very nervous about surgery and all of the things that could go wrong, but its worth a shot. Like creating a clean slate.

I cannot use the H word with this procedure, not because I don't think it will help, but because I am fresh out of it at this point. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I don't desire anything anymore. I am autopilot and kind of just want to get this over with, to get to a point that I have done all I can do so I can be at peace.
I do kind of miss that feeling though. That idea that beyond this procedure a-few-months-from-now-me is smiling back and me saying "don't be such a brat, this was good!" I want to imagine that, but I can't. I feel like if I let my guard down, just for a second, I will fall apart and I won't be able to keep going like I have been. I feel like am ok right now. I won't be great, I won't be happy to the full extent of the word, because, like I said before, something has been taken from me and I am still trying to heal, but I am ok with being OK right now. I am taking care of me and I am chugging along life as best I can. So, I can't let my guard down, I can't hope because I just don't know how to balance being OK and hoping at the same time.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." 

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