Friday, June 6, 2014

One year after... and there is always love

I have been very aware this week of what was coming, the anniversary of the call that broke our hearts into a million pieces, when the nurse called and said "I'm so sorry...." I didn't hear much after that because I lost it, I feel apart and didn't think I could make it anymore. I had been very depressed earlier in the week thinking about it and feeling hopeless, helpless, angry and tired but something happened between then and now. I realized how much there was to be thankful for. More than anything else I am thankful for love in my life. The love from my wonderful husband, my family who cherishes me, the few friends who have been nothing but supportive and understanding, and the love I feel in my heart from my Father in heaven.
I have been very distant from Him lately because I didn't, I don't, want to feel anything, and when I pray, I feel a lot. I have absorbed myself in fiction: TV, books, movies, allowing the nerd obsession to dominate my life. I am not strong enough yet to allow myself to feel yet, but I am getting there... I mean here I am writing this post. I can only get stronger if I try, if I push myself even just a little bit, to think about it, talk about it. I also don't want to think or talk about what is next. I just want to live in the present, right now what I need and want to do with my life right now, this weekend, this month. I want to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and more than anything I want to be a good wife to my husband who deserves a good wife, a woman that can be present with him, support him, love him, and help him see the amazing qualities that I see in him. Without him I would have never come out of that deep dark hole I was in last year, I found strength in our marriage, and that was enough. We are enough right now, just him and I and all of the life we have to live together.
I am a Doctor Who fan, and I can't help but think we are a lot like Amy and Rory... he is my Last Centurion, waiting for me, loving me, fighting for me, even with myself, because he believes in me, in us. Amy has always frustrated me, though I think she is brave and strong and smart, she didn't always appreciate Rory and everything he did for her. I would like to think that I can learn from her and make sure to always appreciate my husband and every thing he does for me.
So, this post started out sad, but in the end, what I want to say is... A: I love you, cherish you and appreciate every small kindess you give to me every day, I hear you. Thank you :)

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