These are my friends and family who love me and I love, but I can't help but feel so much anxiety over it. I have gained weight, I have gained sadness and a slight aversion to holding baby for fear that I will fall apart. I am also acutely aware that it is a mostly Catholic country where being married and almost thirty without a child is practically unheard of and those who don't know my story are going to ask that old as time question "Where are the babies?!"
Maybe I am hyping myself up more than I need to, as I tend to do, and maybe those awkward situations will be few and far between so much so that it won't affect my enjoyment of the trip, and maybe I will be stronger than I think and I will enjoy the trip despite any comments or questions about my family status. But right now, I worry. And I am sad that infertility has taken even this enjoyment from me.
Maybe this time the trip will be joyful and fun for different reasons, maybe it won't be for the people but for the shear enjoyment and pride of sharing my land with my husband who loves it almost as much as me without knowing it as well.
Maybe by then I will be ok.... today, not so much.