Thursday, September 18, 2014

On Goals and Infertility

I've been following some pretty great Pinterest boards and blogs on Infertility lately and it has helped me reflect on my journey thus far. One thing that I have noticed I usually cringe at is when I see "pins" or blog posts that say something about living through storm and darkness and that soon light (image of baby) is coming. Now, I don't want to sound jaded or bitter, I want to think I am writing this in kindness to my "co-journers".

I think that we do ourselves a lot of harm when we make having a child our ultimate goal. Along the journey most of us will say: "Once I get a BFP..." or "Once I'm pregnant..." or "Once I'm a parent..." then I will be happy! All of this pain, suffering, difficulties, it will all be worth something and I will be worth something.
I think I can safely say we have all experienced these thoughts.

I feel that one of the things that has helped me the most in my survival through treatment, and now my healing, is that I forced myself to remember that what I seek is peace. I started this journey with an unrest in my heart that there was a hole, an emptiness in my life that I felt needed to be filled. I thought long and hard of why I wanted to be a mother. I can't go on this journey without knowing my true reasons. I have a terrible flaw of being stubborn and closed minded once I've decided I want something, and that can range from the need for something material like a dress or shoes, or something immaterial like a specific type of friend, or in this case a child of my own. I knew that of myself and because I knew the nature of what lay ahead I knew that to have strength on the darkest days I needed to know for sure why I was doing this. I prayed and meditated over my reasons and decided that the underlying, true reason I was going to put us both through this was because I wanted peace. I wanted to give us the best chance possible to grow our family. I am a scientist and I needed to try all methods I thought were within our reach and our comfort zone. And I did. And it didn't work. And I have grieved and lived through the pain, the despair, and the feeling that I am a completely useless woman if I can't give my husband a child. Then... I remembered. I remembered my goal. My goal was to feel like I did everything within our power (and even stretched a little farther with IVF). In the end its in God's hands, and I got to the point were I said "enough." probably holding on even longer than my husband expected or wanted, but I needed to feel like I tried it all (again, within my own comfort zone which will be different for every couple).

My point is, I am striving for peace in the unrest of my heart. For this part of the journey, the medical part of the journey, I feel I reached that peace. I gave it my all, our all. Now we wait. We wait for something amazing to happen. I don't know what that will be, if realizing personal, professional, or spiritual goals, or if adopting is in our cards, or what miracle is yet to occur. I have faith in God that He will give me peace and when I receive it, I will know.

So to you, who is going through this challenging and difficult part of life, I ask you to look deep within yourself and find your true reason. I hope it helps you through your darkest days, and it keeps you from forgetting that there is a life to live, and you are worth it! God's Love amazing! Steadfast and endures forever!


  1. This very thought has been on my heart for awhile now! God is so good...He even has a purpose through the most difficult times!

  2. Thanks so much for linking this up on my blog this week. You are so right-- a baby won't completely fill any emptiness we feel. We've got to seek God's peace first.

  3. Thank you for this post. Very profound and very true. I think that we have to be careful to make sure that our faith and hope is in God and not in getting pregnant. That's why I have a problem with people promsing those going through infertility that God WILL give us a child. I've seen so many people be damaged by that when it hasn't happened. But when our faith and hope is in God, rather than a positive change in our circumstances, then we can survive. I've been going through infertility for more than six years now and have recently started blogging too.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I hope that blogging is as therapeutic to you as it is to me. May God grant you strength, may He guide you the whole way and may you always feel loved!