There are events in life that will change you permanently... at the time they seem like the worst thing that could ever happen and the sense of incredulity sets the world into a tailspin and you cannot find your bearings. The first time this happened to me was when I moved away from my friends and family in 2004. The second time this happened was when the IVF treatment failed in 2013. I did not expect another event like this so soon, and yet it has, and here I am trying to find my bearings again in a different aspect in my life but with the same impact. I think perhaps I never really did feel like I was on solid ground after the treatment failed because so much broke inside of me that I am still working on mending, rebuilding,... breathing. And now, I realize how unprepared I was for another major life change. I find myself needing to... well, find myself. The definition of who I thought I was and who I am is very blurry and I don't know what to think or feel anymore.
This is when I finally decided to download "The You Project" by Keiko Zoll, the owner of the blog, and resource website "The Infertility Voice". I found this book a couple months ago while doing some research for a sample article I was writing on PCOS as I begin dabbling in science writing. I saw it and thought it was a great idea, a self help book written specifically for women dealing with infertility and all of the emotional distress that comes along with it. The subtitle is "Kickstart your authentic self in three weeks!" It was something I felt I would need to do eventually, when I had time and I figured out a solution to the stressful work situation I was dealing with, but "not now" I thought. Today, I have decided to make the time for this, for me. This is exactly what I need. When your life starts feeling a little to close to the biblical story of Job and you need to figure out what God is trying to tell you, you don't shush Him and say "not now, God, I'm kinda busy here" cause He will find a way to get you to listen.... Ok God, I'm listening!
There are writing assignments as part of the activities, and Keiko suggests many ways to do this, one of which is sharing it on a blog. I thought it might be helpful to others, and hopefully not too uncomfortably honest, for me to write my assignments on my blog. Perhaps in doing so, you get inspired to try this out for yourself because you too are struggling to find yourself in this journey. Perhaps this will be the best way for me to communicate to others what I am going through. Mostly I think the blog will keep consistent, finishing all the assignments and giving myself the best chance to get through all this and come out stronger, and more determined to live a meaningful life. I am also going to share this with my two supporters, my husband and our best friend and my faith companion. This is not going to be easy, and its gonna get messy, and I may regret posting such a personal journey online, but hey, what have I got to lose? Fear should never be a factor in making any decisions in life! So here we go!