Thursday, June 16, 2016

New Truth

My husband and I have fully embraced our new journey of living childless. Our hearts reached the decision in silence on our own, until one day, one of us was brave enough to speak it out loud to the other. Since then we have worked together to make sure there are no regrets, resentments or doubts about what we have chosen for ourselves, and trust me we were thorough. I am the kind of person that can talk an issue to death, and my husband is the kind of person to make up his mind in a millisecond, so we may have worked over the issue more than he wanted but as much as I needed.
We are in the processes of selling that house with all the dreams and that other life that is hard to even remember sometimes. We are talking about new futures, plans and goals. This is our new truth.
But here's the thing, I struggled with accepting it because I kept wondering about those other moments when that felt like the truth of the moment. What about when I felt like there was no sacrifice too small to become a mother? or what about that day when I felt the universe was trying to tell me that adoption was the way to go? ....or what about the day when I felt in my bones that this was all my fault and that I was doing everything wrong? ... or even worse, the time I was sure my husband would be happier if he left me so he could still have a chance at a family?
All of those were truths to me at one point. Some darker than others. They all felt real, and in that moment in that time, they were. It does not take away their value, because each of those truths were part of the process that I had to go through to get to where I am today.
I said at the very beginning of all of this, what I seek is peace with this journey, not a child, not a "solution"... but peace. And this moment, this journey, feels like more peace than I have felt in a long time. And yet, I doesn't stop hurting.

Father's Day is around the corner, and I can't help but feel that pain that you feel in your chest when you know someone you love is feeling left out and hurting... My protectiveness goes into full gear and I want to make sure he is ok. But if he is not, that is ok too. He is allowed to feel whatever this day may feel for him and its ok if its different than my pain on Mother's day.

This is our new Truth, and we will embrace it, struggle with it, and be strengthened by it, every day.

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