Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Deja Vu... Infertility SUCKS

I have talked about the burden of the home we own on previous posts. We have been trying to sell this house for 7 months now, in a sellers market, with what we have been told is an "easily sellable" house. Updated, beautiful, good neighborhood, etc. And you know what? We have had two contracts fall through for different reasons, mostly not having to do with the house itself, just bad luck. And yet, I see houses all around me pop up and be sold quickly.... sound familiar?
I remember being told that my infertility was going to be an easy fix, and that I would be pregnant in no time, and yet, time went on, and things weren't happening, and every new treatment felt like, it was it that time. In the meantime, I felt that pregnancy was happening all around me, even in the unlikely of places.
This feels like deja vu.... no, you know what? Today, in this moment, it feels like I'm cursed. Like the one thing I had wanted more than anything in the world and can't have, is going to haunt me, and taunt me for the rest of my life. And any move I make to try to regain my life, will keep throwing me back into the 4 worst years of my life. I feel like I will never escape, and that my optimism, faith, and hope for a better life is not going to be enough. There is only so many fake smiles, and "looking on the bright sides" that I have left in me, and right now, I am all out.
My life sucks right now and I feel like there isn't going to be a better tomorrow. And even if there is, I don't have the energy to hope for that future. Right now, today, IT SUCKS...

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