This assignment reminds me of the "magic wand" exercise my therapist had me do recently. I analyzed and listed all of the things that are causing me distress in my life, then I was to use a magic wand and fix it all, the write what my life would look like.
What I think matters most to me, when dissect it down to its root is, living life with a real purpose. I believe that every person is on Earth for a reason. We are all nuts and bolts, gears that fit perfectly into this world that God has set in motion for us, because He loves us and wants us to be happy, and since we are social beings, we need each other to accomplish our individual purpose. I want to live my life to the full extent of that purpose, and I believe every life shaping event that occurs in my life is heading me in that direction, whatever that may be. If I continue to allow God to be my guide in this life, to hear him and have him fill my heart with His love, I will be happy, and I can help others achieve their purpose and happiness as well. Feeling like I am being a useful member of society, contributing all of my talents and skills at work, in the community, with loved ones, is how I think success would feel like. When it comes to tangible things, I believe God will provide, and when I am successful, it will mean that all of those things will fall into place as well.
But all of that will not happen if I do not trust in God with my whole heart, and believe in myself. I have to believe that I am capable, confident in my own skills and knowledge, and able to continue to push forward no matter the challenge. I don't believe all of that right now. I don't think I am strong enough, or worth as much as I know others believe me to be. I am not being kind and loving to myself, and that is the challenge. I can't know where I am going if I am not willing to believe that I am going anywhere at all. But I also know that I need to let others be there for me, and not just make them believe I am ok and that nothing is wrong. I love being there for the people that I love, I should let them do the same.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Starting the "You Project"
There are events in life that will change you permanently... at the time they seem like the worst thing that could ever happen and the sense of incredulity sets the world into a tailspin and you cannot find your bearings. The first time this happened to me was when I moved away from my friends and family in 2004. The second time this happened was when the IVF treatment failed in 2013. I did not expect another event like this so soon, and yet it has, and here I am trying to find my bearings again in a different aspect in my life but with the same impact. I think perhaps I never really did feel like I was on solid ground after the treatment failed because so much broke inside of me that I am still working on mending, rebuilding,... breathing. And now, I realize how unprepared I was for another major life change. I find myself needing to... well, find myself. The definition of who I thought I was and who I am is very blurry and I don't know what to think or feel anymore.
This is when I finally decided to download "The You Project" by Keiko Zoll, the owner of the blog, and resource website "The Infertility Voice". I found this book a couple months ago while doing some research for a sample article I was writing on PCOS as I begin dabbling in science writing. I saw it and thought it was a great idea, a self help book written specifically for women dealing with infertility and all of the emotional distress that comes along with it. The subtitle is "Kickstart your authentic self in three weeks!" It was something I felt I would need to do eventually, when I had time and I figured out a solution to the stressful work situation I was dealing with, but "not now" I thought. Today, I have decided to make the time for this, for me. This is exactly what I need. When your life starts feeling a little to close to the biblical story of Job and you need to figure out what God is trying to tell you, you don't shush Him and say "not now, God, I'm kinda busy here" cause He will find a way to get you to listen.... Ok God, I'm listening!
There are writing assignments as part of the activities, and Keiko suggests many ways to do this, one of which is sharing it on a blog. I thought it might be helpful to others, and hopefully not too uncomfortably honest, for me to write my assignments on my blog. Perhaps in doing so, you get inspired to try this out for yourself because you too are struggling to find yourself in this journey. Perhaps this will be the best way for me to communicate to others what I am going through. Mostly I think the blog will keep consistent, finishing all the assignments and giving myself the best chance to get through all this and come out stronger, and more determined to live a meaningful life. I am also going to share this with my two supporters, my husband and our best friend and my faith companion. This is not going to be easy, and its gonna get messy, and I may regret posting such a personal journey online, but hey, what have I got to lose? Fear should never be a factor in making any decisions in life! So here we go!
This is when I finally decided to download "The You Project" by Keiko Zoll, the owner of the blog, and resource website "The Infertility Voice". I found this book a couple months ago while doing some research for a sample article I was writing on PCOS as I begin dabbling in science writing. I saw it and thought it was a great idea, a self help book written specifically for women dealing with infertility and all of the emotional distress that comes along with it. The subtitle is "Kickstart your authentic self in three weeks!" It was something I felt I would need to do eventually, when I had time and I figured out a solution to the stressful work situation I was dealing with, but "not now" I thought. Today, I have decided to make the time for this, for me. This is exactly what I need. When your life starts feeling a little to close to the biblical story of Job and you need to figure out what God is trying to tell you, you don't shush Him and say "not now, God, I'm kinda busy here" cause He will find a way to get you to listen.... Ok God, I'm listening!
There are writing assignments as part of the activities, and Keiko suggests many ways to do this, one of which is sharing it on a blog. I thought it might be helpful to others, and hopefully not too uncomfortably honest, for me to write my assignments on my blog. Perhaps in doing so, you get inspired to try this out for yourself because you too are struggling to find yourself in this journey. Perhaps this will be the best way for me to communicate to others what I am going through. Mostly I think the blog will keep consistent, finishing all the assignments and giving myself the best chance to get through all this and come out stronger, and more determined to live a meaningful life. I am also going to share this with my two supporters, my husband and our best friend and my faith companion. This is not going to be easy, and its gonna get messy, and I may regret posting such a personal journey online, but hey, what have I got to lose? Fear should never be a factor in making any decisions in life! So here we go!
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Not being chosen
For some time now I have been enjoying the gift of storytelling by a person special to me whom I admire. Her podcast is called Story Divine and it is dedicated to telling the biblical stories of the lectionary in the most meaningful way. The one I listened to recently was the story of Justus and Matthias (Acts 1:15-26). She reflects on this story and has you imagine that you are Justus and you have not been chosen in this particular leadership role in the early church to serve God and how one is to move on from that? At the end of the podcast she challenges listeners to tell a story of when they were not chosen, how to move on?
This prompt stirred inside of me the feeling, that is hard to put into words, through this journey of infertility. I find myself a lot of times reprimanding myself for thinking: I did everything right, I waited till marriage, I finished school, and made a conscious decision to have children, and here I am 4 years later still waiting, trying, hoping.... I feel like I have not been chosen. What is my life supposed to look like now? I feel like I am struggling in finding my place in society, in life, and though motherhood does not define me, I had envisioned what my family would be like and being a mother was part of that dream. I dreamt of all that I would share, of my life experiences, of my love for God, my love for life, the meaning of friendship, the meaning of love to me. I felt that through motherhood I would serve God by passing on my faith, and watching this new life find their own truth in that faith.
So what does moving through this part mean to me? What it's like to not feel chosen for this privilege of motherhood? I can tell you what it doesn't do: as I am sure it was for Justus, it does not lessen my faith. Instead I believe that it has helped me realize that my faith is stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, because here I am, still full of love for the Lord, full of gratitude for the life I was given and the privilege I feel to know of love, to feel loved, and to love others unconditionally. I may not have been chosen for motherhood, but I was chosen to be a spouse to an amazing husband, I was chosen to be a sister, a proud Tia, a friend, a scientist, and above all else, a servant of God. All of these things are all important roles in my life that allow me to serve God. I don't think the ache will ever go away, but I will grow stronger, and one day maybe I will finally hear the calling for whatever this journey has prepared me for.
So there it is, my story of when I was not chosen and how I will move on.... though this is just a chapter in the book of God's grace in my life.
This prompt stirred inside of me the feeling, that is hard to put into words, through this journey of infertility. I find myself a lot of times reprimanding myself for thinking: I did everything right, I waited till marriage, I finished school, and made a conscious decision to have children, and here I am 4 years later still waiting, trying, hoping.... I feel like I have not been chosen. What is my life supposed to look like now? I feel like I am struggling in finding my place in society, in life, and though motherhood does not define me, I had envisioned what my family would be like and being a mother was part of that dream. I dreamt of all that I would share, of my life experiences, of my love for God, my love for life, the meaning of friendship, the meaning of love to me. I felt that through motherhood I would serve God by passing on my faith, and watching this new life find their own truth in that faith.
So what does moving through this part mean to me? What it's like to not feel chosen for this privilege of motherhood? I can tell you what it doesn't do: as I am sure it was for Justus, it does not lessen my faith. Instead I believe that it has helped me realize that my faith is stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, because here I am, still full of love for the Lord, full of gratitude for the life I was given and the privilege I feel to know of love, to feel loved, and to love others unconditionally. I may not have been chosen for motherhood, but I was chosen to be a spouse to an amazing husband, I was chosen to be a sister, a proud Tia, a friend, a scientist, and above all else, a servant of God. All of these things are all important roles in my life that allow me to serve God. I don't think the ache will ever go away, but I will grow stronger, and one day maybe I will finally hear the calling for whatever this journey has prepared me for.
So there it is, my story of when I was not chosen and how I will move on.... though this is just a chapter in the book of God's grace in my life.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Why I am open about our journey
This week is National Infertility Awareness week! I absolutely love their theme for 2015: You are not alone.
This is such an important idea to promote because infertility leads to isolation, depression, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, very low self esteem and self worth. ALL of these feelings are normal and we have ALL gone through them. I don't know of a single person perfect enough to go through month after month of trying to conceive with no luck for months, years, and be able to come out unscathed at the other end, and that's because no one is perfect, and we are all incredible people each with our beautiful imperfections.
This is my third NIAW post since I started this blog around this time in 2013. I got into writing a blog because of this very feeling, that I didn't want to feel alone. I wanted to know that everything I was feeling, thinking, going through has been done before and therefore I am not some horrible anomaly in womanhood and that I was not in fact losing my mind... or if I was that I wasn't the only one that did during these trials. I found some wonderful, inspiring blogs: The Infertility Voice, The Amateur Nester, Where the Bleep is our Stork, among so many more that I browsed. I found myself reading the blogs until they conceived then feeling [irrationally] let down and moving onto another blog, until it happened to them, and so on. This is when I decided that I should start my own. I realized in reading all of these different blogs that though there were a lot of similarities in how one reacts to certain situations, each person's journey is different and something I may learn along the way may be beneficial to someone else later on. I was grateful to everyone that blogged about what to expect about each procedure we had tried. It helped them not seem so scary, and in some cases it helped me realize the odds of something working which helped lessen the blow when it didn't.
My call to all those couples reading that may still be silent about their journey because its vulnerable, and hard, and scary, is that's worth opening up and talking about it. It gives those negative feelings less power over you because you don't have to feel like no one will understand. I have read this happen throughout the online infertility community, once you open up about your journey, others share their stories with you, people you would have never guessed and all of the sudden you are not so alone...
THANK YOU to all of you who have helped me feel like I am not alone, those who have shared their infertility stories with me and even those who have not gone through infertility yourselves, you have learned how to be supportive of me and have made me strong.
Let's spread the word, educate our communities and be strong for each other!
NOTE: Its important to mention the best resource out there: RESOLVE The National Infertility Association for those going through infertility and for those who love someone who is going through infertility and want to be supportive and helpful.
This is such an important idea to promote because infertility leads to isolation, depression, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, very low self esteem and self worth. ALL of these feelings are normal and we have ALL gone through them. I don't know of a single person perfect enough to go through month after month of trying to conceive with no luck for months, years, and be able to come out unscathed at the other end, and that's because no one is perfect, and we are all incredible people each with our beautiful imperfections.
This is my third NIAW post since I started this blog around this time in 2013. I got into writing a blog because of this very feeling, that I didn't want to feel alone. I wanted to know that everything I was feeling, thinking, going through has been done before and therefore I am not some horrible anomaly in womanhood and that I was not in fact losing my mind... or if I was that I wasn't the only one that did during these trials. I found some wonderful, inspiring blogs: The Infertility Voice, The Amateur Nester, Where the Bleep is our Stork, among so many more that I browsed. I found myself reading the blogs until they conceived then feeling [irrationally] let down and moving onto another blog, until it happened to them, and so on. This is when I decided that I should start my own. I realized in reading all of these different blogs that though there were a lot of similarities in how one reacts to certain situations, each person's journey is different and something I may learn along the way may be beneficial to someone else later on. I was grateful to everyone that blogged about what to expect about each procedure we had tried. It helped them not seem so scary, and in some cases it helped me realize the odds of something working which helped lessen the blow when it didn't.
My call to all those couples reading that may still be silent about their journey because its vulnerable, and hard, and scary, is that's worth opening up and talking about it. It gives those negative feelings less power over you because you don't have to feel like no one will understand. I have read this happen throughout the online infertility community, once you open up about your journey, others share their stories with you, people you would have never guessed and all of the sudden you are not so alone...
THANK YOU to all of you who have helped me feel like I am not alone, those who have shared their infertility stories with me and even those who have not gone through infertility yourselves, you have learned how to be supportive of me and have made me strong.
Let's spread the word, educate our communities and be strong for each other!
NOTE: Its important to mention the best resource out there: RESOLVE The National Infertility Association for those going through infertility and for those who love someone who is going through infertility and want to be supportive and helpful.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Love... and genetics
Relevant preface: I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but I am a geneticist and a nerd about it too.... Francis Collins is one of my heroes! (Recommendation: The Language of Life and The Language of God written by him).
I had the most wonderful feeling when I woke up this morning. I was filled with love for my husband! I was also in awe of how in love I felt with him after almost 10 years together, and then I was overwhelmed with gratitude for that love. As we lay in the stillness of the morning before the day began I got to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for this wonderful way to start my day. As I prayed I had that feeling again of wishing I could give him a child. But this time it had a different ring to it. Before I have felt that I wanted to give him a child because he deserves that joy in his life and because he'd be an amazing father, and because I know how much he has wanted that since we started dating and who knows how long before that. So, in part, it was a selfless desire, and mostly of just wanting to add joy to his life. Today, I felt all those other things, but I also thought, the world needs more of him. He is an amazing man, a generous, good hearted, loving, kind, man that dedicates his days to the betterment of society through his work as a high school teacher of science and life. He willingly gives of himself in this way and enjoys doing so, which is rarer than you think and says so much about his heart. I remember when I first was falling in love with him almost a decade ago, that was my favorite part, what I called in my diary, his golden heart. This morning overcome by this warm feeling of love and awe for all he does I wanted more of him. I wanted to make sure that it is people like him that reproduce and succeed in this life (enter genetics). Besides how super cute our children would be, it was more that I wanted his goodness, his altruistic soul, and his intelligence to live on past our years and to contribute, what I would hope would be, good genes to humanity through him. His family is small and the longevity genes from his mother's side die with him, with us. On his father's side there is some hope, but whatever blessed combination of nature and nuture that became my husband ends because of me, and I feel sad that humanity will miss out on that. Its a good case for a surrogate for sure. And on that note, I am going to say something insane... I kind of miss trying. I miss the hope (not so much the loss) of trying every month. I am still very much wanting to adopt from my country in the near future, but how great would it be, if I had that little miracle and I was able to contribute, at least one more of him... and hope his genes are dominant, and that its a male so that no daughter of mine would have to suffer what I have gone through thus far.
Craziness!..... right...?
I had the most wonderful feeling when I woke up this morning. I was filled with love for my husband! I was also in awe of how in love I felt with him after almost 10 years together, and then I was overwhelmed with gratitude for that love. As we lay in the stillness of the morning before the day began I got to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for this wonderful way to start my day. As I prayed I had that feeling again of wishing I could give him a child. But this time it had a different ring to it. Before I have felt that I wanted to give him a child because he deserves that joy in his life and because he'd be an amazing father, and because I know how much he has wanted that since we started dating and who knows how long before that. So, in part, it was a selfless desire, and mostly of just wanting to add joy to his life. Today, I felt all those other things, but I also thought, the world needs more of him. He is an amazing man, a generous, good hearted, loving, kind, man that dedicates his days to the betterment of society through his work as a high school teacher of science and life. He willingly gives of himself in this way and enjoys doing so, which is rarer than you think and says so much about his heart. I remember when I first was falling in love with him almost a decade ago, that was my favorite part, what I called in my diary, his golden heart. This morning overcome by this warm feeling of love and awe for all he does I wanted more of him. I wanted to make sure that it is people like him that reproduce and succeed in this life (enter genetics). Besides how super cute our children would be, it was more that I wanted his goodness, his altruistic soul, and his intelligence to live on past our years and to contribute, what I would hope would be, good genes to humanity through him. His family is small and the longevity genes from his mother's side die with him, with us. On his father's side there is some hope, but whatever blessed combination of nature and nuture that became my husband ends because of me, and I feel sad that humanity will miss out on that. Its a good case for a surrogate for sure. And on that note, I am going to say something insane... I kind of miss trying. I miss the hope (not so much the loss) of trying every month. I am still very much wanting to adopt from my country in the near future, but how great would it be, if I had that little miracle and I was able to contribute, at least one more of him... and hope his genes are dominant, and that its a male so that no daughter of mine would have to suffer what I have gone through thus far.
Craziness!..... right...?
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
New Years Eve: Choosing hope over despair
Since last night and through this morning I was not in a good place. The thought of a new year, which usually gets me excited, instead just brought me dread. All I could think of was "great, another year, more of the same. Things not going my way, more family growing announcements that will twinge in the pit of my stomach, having insufficient qualifications to move on in my career, more money troubles and another year for my endometriosis to get worse." I couldn't bare it. Then I realized it was the depression talking, and what timing! I started to look at medication options thinking, maybe its time. Maybe 2015 is the year I allow myself to get chemical help for this. But I looked at the side effects and the research done on antidepressants and PCOS and it just didn't seem right for me.
I needed to think my way out of the darkness. I reasoned with myself and told myself that the fact that I didn't want to feel this way was already progress! Sometimes, when depression hits, it feels like a warm blanket that you want to hide in for a while. The problem is when you get all tangled up in it and then you can't find your way out. I was able to peel off the blanket and tell myself that it wasn't worth it. Not today. I then began to remember the neat things that happened this year that I didn't expect would happen. We weren't planning a trip home, and we went. We weren't planning on my husband being amazing and getting to be on TV and that happened! We weren't planning on getting a dog, ever, and we ended up with an amazing sweet pet that I can't imagine not having in my life now. I wasn't planning on getting the position I am working in now, realizing this isn't quite what I want, and being able to narrow down my career aspirations that much more (good and bad mixed together for a net gain). I didn't think I would be able to clean up my diet, and here I am, doing so much better with it than I have ever been!
There may not be anything specific I can look forward to in 2015, no goals to complete, no trips, or major life events for either of us, but that doesn't mean wonderful things aren't going to happen. I should learn by now that there isn't a lot of planning I can do for life. Life happens all around us, guided by the divine hand of our Lord whom I trust with all my heart. I need to remember to trust in Him and know that even though I can't see the rainbow through the rain just yet, but it will clear up and when it does, I look forward to it taking my breath way, one more time.
Today, I choose hope. And I wish this for you as well.
I needed to think my way out of the darkness. I reasoned with myself and told myself that the fact that I didn't want to feel this way was already progress! Sometimes, when depression hits, it feels like a warm blanket that you want to hide in for a while. The problem is when you get all tangled up in it and then you can't find your way out. I was able to peel off the blanket and tell myself that it wasn't worth it. Not today. I then began to remember the neat things that happened this year that I didn't expect would happen. We weren't planning a trip home, and we went. We weren't planning on my husband being amazing and getting to be on TV and that happened! We weren't planning on getting a dog, ever, and we ended up with an amazing sweet pet that I can't imagine not having in my life now. I wasn't planning on getting the position I am working in now, realizing this isn't quite what I want, and being able to narrow down my career aspirations that much more (good and bad mixed together for a net gain). I didn't think I would be able to clean up my diet, and here I am, doing so much better with it than I have ever been!
There may not be anything specific I can look forward to in 2015, no goals to complete, no trips, or major life events for either of us, but that doesn't mean wonderful things aren't going to happen. I should learn by now that there isn't a lot of planning I can do for life. Life happens all around us, guided by the divine hand of our Lord whom I trust with all my heart. I need to remember to trust in Him and know that even though I can't see the rainbow through the rain just yet, but it will clear up and when it does, I look forward to it taking my breath way, one more time.
Today, I choose hope. And I wish this for you as well.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Remember Elizabeth in Advent
The story of the conception and birth of Jesus is a beautiful and glorious story filled with love and hope and grace. But there is a similar, lesser told story during the same time: the story of Elizabeth.
Luke 1: 36 - 38: "And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’ Then Mary said, ‘Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.’ Then the angel departed from her."
I honestly felt moved by the spirit to recall and tell this story to you today. Elizabeth was considered old for that time, given that Mary is thought to have been 14, and I wonder if Elizabeth was my age... in her 30s and therefore considered old for that time. I don't know for certain and I could be wrong but the greater idea is there, and she resonates with me today. The story of barren women is prevalent throughout the Bible and Elizabeth's story is not that unique. An old barren woman who has given up on barring children at this point in her life and an angel of the Lord gifts her a child, and an amazing, strong, historical child at that. Stories like these are the ones we hang on to in our darkest days while trying to conceive. We pray to the Lord to remember us as he remembered Sarah, and Rachel and Hannah, knowing that the blessing of fertility and life is God's alone. But as a barren woman who has crossed that 30 year old (ovarian) barrier and who has stopped trying and has stopped hoping (though do we ever really stop hoping?), what does this story mean to me?
I like reading the rest of that passage where Mary says "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." It was not Elizabeth who had said that, but Mary, the unsuspecting innocent maiden, whom God had chosen for the ultimate gift of fertility, being the Mother of God. Talk about having the perfect child! But I do love that passage... Here I am, servant of the Lord.... let it be with me according to your word..... I remember vividly the days and nights of my hysterical, hormonal, grieving, sobs when I felt that God was being unjust and cruel with me, leaving me barren when others around me were not. With a clearer mind, looking back, I know that it was part of the process of healing, and that that pain shaped me, continues to shape me, as a continue to become what God wants of me, according to His Word. I don't yet know if a miracle is in store for me, or if the miracle in my life will take on a different form that what I once hoped it would be. But today I remember the barren... my sisters, those who find some pain the story of Mary and hope in the story of Elizabeth. For everyone the story of the birth of Jesus will fill us in different ways, but all of them still come from the same great Love that can fill our lives and our hearts if we just give it room... let it take hold of us and replace the places of darkness with true, undying light.....the purest, truest light of all.
And this is my Advent wish for you.
Luke 1: 36 - 38: "And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’ Then Mary said, ‘Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.’ Then the angel departed from her."
I honestly felt moved by the spirit to recall and tell this story to you today. Elizabeth was considered old for that time, given that Mary is thought to have been 14, and I wonder if Elizabeth was my age... in her 30s and therefore considered old for that time. I don't know for certain and I could be wrong but the greater idea is there, and she resonates with me today. The story of barren women is prevalent throughout the Bible and Elizabeth's story is not that unique. An old barren woman who has given up on barring children at this point in her life and an angel of the Lord gifts her a child, and an amazing, strong, historical child at that. Stories like these are the ones we hang on to in our darkest days while trying to conceive. We pray to the Lord to remember us as he remembered Sarah, and Rachel and Hannah, knowing that the blessing of fertility and life is God's alone. But as a barren woman who has crossed that 30 year old (ovarian) barrier and who has stopped trying and has stopped hoping (though do we ever really stop hoping?), what does this story mean to me?
I like reading the rest of that passage where Mary says "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." It was not Elizabeth who had said that, but Mary, the unsuspecting innocent maiden, whom God had chosen for the ultimate gift of fertility, being the Mother of God. Talk about having the perfect child! But I do love that passage... Here I am, servant of the Lord.... let it be with me according to your word..... I remember vividly the days and nights of my hysterical, hormonal, grieving, sobs when I felt that God was being unjust and cruel with me, leaving me barren when others around me were not. With a clearer mind, looking back, I know that it was part of the process of healing, and that that pain shaped me, continues to shape me, as a continue to become what God wants of me, according to His Word. I don't yet know if a miracle is in store for me, or if the miracle in my life will take on a different form that what I once hoped it would be. But today I remember the barren... my sisters, those who find some pain the story of Mary and hope in the story of Elizabeth. For everyone the story of the birth of Jesus will fill us in different ways, but all of them still come from the same great Love that can fill our lives and our hearts if we just give it room... let it take hold of us and replace the places of darkness with true, undying light.....the purest, truest light of all.
And this is my Advent wish for you.
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