It didn't work. I got the news at work and had to leave because I was hysterically crying. The "blame voices" started filling my head. I was angry, upset, confused, and feeling like God was letting me down. But I didn't want to just curl up in my bed and cry, my anger kept me moving, I started cleaning the house. When my husband got home, I realized, this isn't just about me, he is hurting too, he is also disappointed and angry and upset, so I slowed down so we can heal together. But the difference is, I still blame myself. It was in my body that the embryos didn't want to implant, or they did and then didn't, who knows. But it was all me.
I still want answers, and I am still upset and angry at my lot in life. And scared, of the now more real possibility that my dreams of having my own biological children is more of a pipe dream than I ever thought.