It wasn't anything concrete, nothing spectacular happened, I didn't get the mystical BFP or anything like that. It felt more like God touched my heart today. I have been down and phasing between sadness, anger, emptiness, and just trying to keep going. In the meantime, though I have avoided going to church because I just don't want to find myself in a moment where I can't escape, I have been forcing myself to listen to the christian radio station on my commute. It helps me refocus, and try to find God in all of this.
So today, on my commute, I heard a song I had heard a few times before by Audio Adrenaline called "Kings and Queens" and for the first time I actually listened to the lyrics. It talks about loving the "least of these," the lonely children, the children without a home. I heard it and it made my heart happy. It made me think about adoption again and realize it really is in my heart. This is something I really want to do. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it is the only thing right now that feels real, that feels like it is going to happen, and that thought, makes me feel joy. I haven't felt joy like this in... a long time.
I had been feeling resentful because I know that I have so much love to give, so much maternal love in my heart, my dedication to it that it can't be made, it had to come from Him. And I thought, if I have this natural instinct and love, why aren't You giving me a child of my own to love? Today, I realized, no matter what happens, I will be a mother, I will have a child to love, and they will be a gift from God, no matter how they come to me.