Saturday, September 7, 2013

Update and the 2ww

I apologize in advance because I am on 400 mg of Progesterone and am a bit on the down side, and I also had a recent death in the family.

I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.

My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.

The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.

I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.

I just want to feel like I can breathe again.

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