I can't help thinking that one way or another my life is going to change once again after Wednesday's testing. I feel the usual despair for feeling hope like I do every time. I don't want to tell myself, just let it go, because I want to be able to hope, but at the same time feeling hope causes me such anxiety because if I hope, and it works out like it has in the past, I feel let down and I fall apart again. More than anything I am scared of losing myself again, of being so devastated and upset that I stop living for days, weeks, like it did before.
I also ache for my husband, because I know how he feels, because he feels the same as I do, and both of us hurting and feeling let down means that one of us is going to have to be strong for the other, and unfortunately I am never able to be the strong one. I know how bad he wants this, I know that he feels hope this time as well... he keeps talking about baby names, and comes up with new ones every day or so. I can't tell him to stop because I can't take that away from him, but I can't think that far. I can barely get past this minute, this hour, this workday.
I wish I could stop feeling that pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. That I could go about my day and not feel like my ears are buzzing, or that my head is spinning. I am fighting myself so hard, to not think that I can't stop thinking.
I'm tired Lord.... I'm tired and I don't know what to do. Help me.