I got another BFN from the last IUI. This past month I decided I didn't want to go through all of that again but I didn't want to not try. I felt that since I had gone through the surgery and all of that, that I should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. So, I convinced myself that if it was going to happen because of the surgery than all I would need is the Femara, which is what I did. I am currently waiting for AF some time this week. I'm not gonna test or think about it, just wait. I am done stressing about my cycle and wondering what treatment is next.
This approach has been rejuvenating in a way. I know for some, it stresses them out to "not do anything" and "waste time" but for me, every month I've given myself off from treatment has renewed me, given me a reminder that there is a life that God has given me and I need to live it! It helps me find purpose in all that I do.
I had done some research and found out that all I need is 4 cycles a year and that there are some that just do progesterone treatments to let it happen every three months. I will need to consult with a doctor about it to make sure it is the right course of action for me and my specific condition, but I think that is what I'd like to do if possible. I will continue to monitor my diet and exercise and hopefully get back on the Metformin. Currently I am fighting my insurance company about it and am deciding if its worth it in the end. We shall see.
Emotionally, I am pretty good. I have moments of calmness and clarity. Certain things and situations don't bother me as much anymore. Seeing children and pregnant women doesn't make my stomach tighten and my heart ache. Instead I think: "I am so grateful to God that those women do not have to deal with these struggles, or if they did, I am glad they found resolve." I still have aches every once in a while, but not painful ones, but those of wanting time to quickly, because I know sometime soon I will have my child, to love, to hold, to teach, and to learn from, to share experiences and stories with.
In the meantime, I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to those friendships I cherish so much, and it seems so difficult to do. Everyone seems to be moving on, getting into serious relationships, having their 1st and 2nd children, moving, changing jobs, going to grad school. I feel like I have lost a lot of time being so turned inward in the last year with the move, the job and treatment, that I may have neglected or alienated my friends. And for me, family and friendships are so essential for keeping me sane, and keeping me who I am. Without them I feel ... invisible. I need to feel needed, to feel like someone is thinking of me. I try to keep traditions, movie premieres, game nights, instant messaging, to still feel connected, and its hard. I forget, they are busy, responsibilities get in the way, sometimes its even that I get in my own way, worried that that person I am trying to connect with doesn't care, doesn't have time, energy. I don't know if its all the infertility, or if its also just part of growing up... I just cherish having history with someone, feeling like they know me, at different stages in my life, so that they can look at me and honestly say: I know you, and you are still you. But to be honest, I don't feel like I have anyone in my life at this point that can say that. My oldest friends are so far away that I feel like they don't know the me of now, the me after all that I have lived, they know the teenager. And the person closest to me knows the 20-something and now, but not the teenager... I guess that is why I keep them all around, because together they all know me, in bits and pieces. And I think that is still definitely a blessing.
So for now, I will love the life I have to live, the amazing husband I have been blessed with and to continue to love, to grow and to get strong to prepare for that awaited time.