This has been a difficult week for me. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it is. Things at home have felt tense, work has been overly busy and co-workers are exhausting me mentally and emotionally. On Friday I felt really weepy. I felt tired and worn down, and emotionally drained. Saturday I was able to brush it off and keep going. But today again I feel it, the exhaustion, the sadness sitting in my chest, clouding my mind. I feel as though if I can name it, I can beat it, and I am trying. I think perhaps it is because this is truly the first month that I have no fertility plans. That I feel in the back of my mind as though I have "given up." I try to be optimistic, look on the bright side, and pray about the adoption plans as hard and fervently as I can, but inside there is still something that hurts. The fact that I am no longer pursing the dream of having my own child, mine and my husbands. I know I can love and care for a child that is not genetically mine, I know that I will be happy building our family through adoption. But right now, in this moment, it hurts, letting the fairy tale go.
I don't know if this is going to be my new normal, that this pain will become a dull ache in my heart for the rest of my life. I can't imagine it wouldn't. Its ingrained in everyday life, in every culture and every media source: the beauty of giving birth to new life, nurturing it and watching them grow like you and different to you. Like a you version 2.0.
I was thinking about my family, and relieved that word has gotten around, because I didn't want to ever have to hear from them that question... and the more I thought about it, I found some comfort in that the other two cousins I have that are my age, also do not have children. One is recently married and a bit of a rebel (for an uber traditional upbringing such as ours) and the other is off pursing career goals and dreams and hasn't really had a steady significant other in a long time. So in that sense I don't feel like I'm being left behind, and my family is very compassionate and kind anyway. I just feel like I feel trying to figure out where I need to put up walls, where I am going to need to protect myself from next. Currently, I am just putting up walls within me, to protect me from falling apart and losing myself in grief. I don't have time or need for it. I just want to keep going.
But this weekend, grief has found me, through a crack in the walls and keeps trickling in every so often, wearing me down. And I am tired.