I believe in God. I have said that much so far in this blog, and all of my friends, acquaintances, and probably most co-workers know this. God is the center of my world. I have this belief that God has a path drawn out for us, a path that leads us to the ultimate joy in our lives. When we are most unhappy is when we are furthest from this path of His, when we are far from Him. I honestly believe this with all of my heart. During this journey, I have been angry, I have been resentful and upset for this portion of my path. I feel all of those things knowing inside that this is all part of it, and that God would NEVER put something in my life that He didn't believe I needed, or that I could survive, and come out stronger on the other side of it. I know that of all of the people in my life, if it is I that has to endure this, that my faith would get me through it, because he has put all of the right people around me to get me there. I am not doing this journey alone, and never really believed I did, even when I complained about my isolation.
I had begun to believe that as the journey got harder, it was because I wasn't getting something. I was missing a piece of the puzzle because I was SO focused on getting pregnant, of having a child of my own, on my terms, my way.
Then I began to get the whispers of adoption. My grandfather was adopted and that always made my heart twinge. Orphans, and foster children, their stories, always made something inside ache (and military families, but that I haven't figured out yet). So I began to think, perhaps I am so depressed because really, this journey is to make me see that we would make wonderful adoptive parents, and that out there, there is a child that is meant for me, that may not come from me, but that has our names in their hearts all the same.
I heard that song I posted about "Kings and Queens" that gave me joy, and I began to notice the adopted children that I worked with at church. I began to ask questions to address the fears that I had of psychological affects of adoption on children (fears that are still present but less important).
I knew that I would love to adopt given the opportunity and I was so blessed to have my husband be 100% on board with it. I realized that I would want to bring a child here from my own country. To give that child the opportunities my parents gave to me. All still just whispers and what ifs...
Today, I stayed home from work because I had been feeling crappy. I woke up, took a shower, in the shower I quickly decided on an outfit (this is relevant, stay with me). I rarely decide what to wear so easily, but I just knew which pant/shirt combo I wanted to wear today. Then, I went to pick out a purse, I was headed for the usual purse when I said to myself, I rarely wear my Nicaragua purse (a colorful purse that says NICARAGUA on it), I should wear it today, dust it off. So I do, now my outfit is colorful and complete. When DH came home, we went right back out and stayed out. We had dinner out, and decided to go to that comedy club that he saw yesterday, something to make me laugh and think of something else besides how crabby I have been lately. I didn't get a chance to go home and change like I usually do. We get there early, so we decide to wander around at a nearby shopping center, and come back about 20 mins before the show. I thought we could wander longer but DH said, he wanted to get good seats. So ok, back to the comedy venue. We get in and are in the lobby paying for the tickets when someone notices my purse and says "Are you from Nicaragua!?" so I turn around, smile and say "yes" This is where it gets weird. The friend of the person that asked me said "Really! I lived there for 2 years, and adopted two of my children from there!" and then I say "Really!? We have been thinking about adopting from there lately"... so how often do two strangers share this much information in the first minutes of meeting!? She tells me a little about her experience, and read my mind when I was hoping she'd share her info so I can get back in touch and get more information from her. She said now was the time, because of who was heading the orphanage, and that the staff is great, and that waiting time has gotten better.
In summary, a lot of encouraging information, and realizing that God's whisper to adopt has turned into Him jumping up and down in front of me shouting "I told you!!!"
So here I am, with this newly kindled fire in my heart, without being able to sleep, wondering how in God's name (literally) am I going to pull this off?? We are so in debt right now, we don't have a spare penny, or even any spare credit to begin to get this going, to hire a lawyer, who knows what else. I am wracking my brain, calling to God in prayer, asking him how to do this? I feel like this is the first ever true trial of faith He has ever placed for me. Others are nothing compared to this one. He is asking me to do something with which I have NO resources to complete. Like asking a me to feed a multitude with 2 loaves a bread and a fish.... So the first resource I will go to is the internet, surely there are scholarships, grants, something that might help us, at least to start. So here I go, God I hear you. I know. I trust in You.
Thank you for the neon sign your near sighted servant needed to see this clearer. Amen.