Monday, July 27, 2015

Hope Box

I have a love/hate relationship with my house....for context let me explain the layout a little further. The first floor has the master bedroom, and all the other living areas, kitchen, etc. We currently don't really need the three extra rooms on the second floor and it has been eating at me, especially when I go upstairs to dump more things I don't know what to do with up there. The bonus room was going to be the guest room, the other spare room was going to be the nursery, and the room off to the side is already my office/standby bedroom for #2.  The house is beautiful and open and well lit and I love the feel of it... but this house also reminds me of how optimistic we were 2 years ago, and how foolish I feel today.

So, in an effort to make the house feel less wasteful and empty I have rearranged the rooms upstairs a bit. The spare room is now the guest room, and the bonus room is now a hobby room/lady lounge. I have started to fill it with inspiring words and images, crafty tools and a place for most things that make me happy... its a work in progress. The other half of the room is still a dumping ground. In the pile of junk that I don't know what to do with I found a cardboard box that broke me today. I always knew the box was there and I remembered it had some things I didn't want to deal with but I couldn't quite remember all that was in there. I felt strong today and I really want this room to look and feel nice... a sanctuary I can go. But I can't feel peace there with this box just sitting there, taking up space and pestering me to deal with it.... so I did today. I opened the box and found my husband's childhood stuffed animals that he has carried with him all this time to hand down to his children, and this takes quiet the effort cause he moved around a lot. I have that same love/hate relationship with those toys. They are ugly, old, and tattered... but they mean so much to him, the man I love, and they mean something totally different to me, an unfulfilled promise.
I found more things we have collected over the years, keeping to our gender neutral rainbow color theme, a quilted sun and moon, a rainbow glass decor that reads "Dream", some more old needlepoints and things he has carried around and saved for that special little someone we are still waiting for... We had a theme, we had names, we had plans... and yes, I say had, because it hurts too much to hope anymore, to live on that idea that its still a "when, and not an if." After 4 years of this I just can't keep planning, keep collecting, and instead of letting that box feed my hope, it just feeds my grief, of all of time lost, of pain, and the changes within us, and in our lives, continuously adapting and adjusting to it as others move on, become bigger families, and we stay as we are, holding on tight to each other for fear that we might fall apart if we don't.

I did take one item from that box for myself. I can always give it back if it's ever needed elsewhere...

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