Writing Assignment #3: Goals vs. Fears

I have always been an astronomy aficionado. I was probably one of the few kids in 4th grade reading about black holes and trying to understand how immense the universe was. I acknowledged I was an anxious person so I knew that even though being an astronaut sounds really cool, realistically, I would never do that, so by 6th grade I had decided I wanted to work in the NASA control room! I wanted to be a NASA engineer. I stuck by this for a long time. My first attempt at a college degree was for Systems Engineering with this goal in mind. Along the way I talked myself out of it, and decided it was a long shot to get hired by NASA and that I should figure out a back up plan, something else I would enjoy doing with a systems engineering degree.... but nothing came to me. Life changes occurred, I had to move away two years into my engineering degree and I went on a totally different path. I had always been fascinated with psychology, I believe myself to be an intuitive and highly empathetic person, I didn't know what I wanted to do with the degree exactly but I knew I would enjoy research of some sort, so I pursued a psychology degree. I did get an A.A. and when I moved on to the 4 year college to get a bachelors I realized I would need to do a lot more school to be able to get into psychology research, so, I changed my mind again. I was getting married and I felt I just needed a degree so I can be a real adult and a contributing member of our new family. 

I really took my time with this decision, I thought a lot about what I want to do and the best way to get there. I realized that one of nagging issues with the engineering degree was that I didn't feel like it would necessarily give me the kinds of jobs that would be helping other people and not just corporations. I wanted a job that made me feel like I was directly impacting a person's life for the better. While getting my A.A. I had an amazing biology teacher, Mrs. Rutledge. I had honestly hated biology in the past. But the way she taught it was like it was the most fascinating subject on the planet! I LOVED her enthusiasm so much! She made me feel like learning about cells and genetics was the most important work I could ever do. As I deliberated about my future I kept remembering Mrs. Rutledge, and felt a calling to go into Biology. I could specialize in the biomedical field and feel like I can make a difference in peoples lives, and so I did. I am still passionate about the importance of the biomedical field, and I still love the science behind it all. I just happen to be in a place my career where I am waiting for the next thing, and I don't know what that is. 

If I didn't have to worry about money, relationships, or opportunities.... I would go get a PhD... I have let so many people scare me out of this idea so many times I had let it go. But if I want to make a difference and I want my voice to be heard, I feel like I need more credentials than just a bio major. I also think that the life experience I would gain from a good doctorate program would be fulfilling. What is holding me back it just that, money, the desire to improve our financial situation so that we can adopt, and the fact that because of all of my bouncing around and life getting in the way of my education, I don't have the best academic record. My early years are beautiful. It was my last years at the four year college that hurt the worst. they have shaken my confidence in myself. Then add on the infertility struggles, and the job issues I have had recently, and well, here I am.... doing the best that I can to rebuild myself back up to the strong confident woman I know lives inside me... somewhere. 

Reading this over I realize I am an ambitious person that does not give up. I may be knocked down, doors may close, but I get back up and push open a window, wiggle in and start again. I believe I have something to contribute, and that what I have to say matters. I will not rest until I find the place where I can fulfill my purpose in life, whatever that may be.