Monday, March 25, 2013

Being genuinely happy and distraught at the same time

A big part of infertility is dealing with the ugly emotions that come out when good things happen to others around you. Its aweful. I find myself dreading meeting up with, or receiving a call from a friend, especially if they are married or in a committed relationship because I know that there is a chance they are calling me with their "great news!" I am genuinely happy for those close friends who do get pregnant and I do pray everyday that a loved one does not have to go through what I am going through.

Recently very close friends, some we both consider family, called us with their great news. They, of course, knew of our struggles, and were very kind to give us enough heads up before they "go public" with the news. It was via Skype because we currently reside about 4 hours away from each other, and when they started rambling and humming and ha-ing, my stomach did a somersault, and squeezed my husband's hand so hard, I knew what was next... still now, weeks later I still get clammy just thinking about that conversation.

(NOTE: Please check out Resolve's Infertility Etiquette about how to tell an infertile friend you are pregnant if you are in this situation, your friend will be grateful)

There are many reasons for how I felt. It reminded me of the time, a few years back, when we were two newly wed couples dreaming up our futures together. I still remember where we were for this conversation, visiting Mt. Vernon, the four of us. It was a beautiful spring day, my husband, joking around, said that it would be better if both ladies got pregnant at the same time so that they could get it over with at once, and suffer together. My girlfriend and I are both very cautious (read paranoid and hypochondriacs), and have panic attacks at the first feelings of nausea, so they knew how "fun" we'd be when the time came.... We started trying before they did, because they had things to sort out, and we knew we had to start sooner rather than later.... I still thought, I'd get pregnant first, then she'd get the bug and we'd still get to experience it together. I don't know when they started to be honest, but I know it wasn't much time before they were expecting.

After they broke the news and I gathered up the courage and strength to congratulate, smile and tell them how genuinely happy I was for them, asking her how she felt, and then hope the conversation would end... every minute it continued I could feel the sob gathering in my throat, I needed for them to end the call, and it wasn't happening. I didn't want her to see me cry or walk away from the conversation because she'd know why. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me, I wanted her to experience the complete joy without worrying about me. But I didn't make it, I had to get up and leave. I closed the doors to the bathroom in our one bedroom apartment, and just lost it. I sobbed, and tried so hard not to, but it wouldn't stop.  I kept thinking:  "why me?!" why do I have to suffer all of this pain, abuse on my body, my soul? Why does God think I am strong enough to endure all this? What if I can't? How much longer Lord?!

My agony was not because of my friend's pregnancy, it was because of my hardship. I hated myself, and still kinda do, for not being able to just say "good for them! It'll happen for me too some day!" Truth is, the uncertainty is there, and it gnaws at me every month after the BFN.One of my doctors once said "Its not a matter of IF, but WHEN." And I believed her then.... 4 cycles ago. I have not lost hope, every month there is a renewed sense of hope that thought of "maybe this is my month," maybe I get it right this time, whatever that means.

So... in the end I decided to make up a humorous and helpful "Oh Sh*t Kit" pregnancy survival gift for her when I see her during Easter. I need her to know how happy I really am, and that I prayed so hard for them to never have to deal with this, because I love them. Because in the end, we are going through this for, and finding strength in, that reason... LOVE.

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