Sunday, March 24, 2013

So far...

My infertility journey so far: I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 years old (12 years ago). I didn't really know what it meant for me then. I just took the birth control pills, as I was told, to regulate my cycles. My older sister had irregular cycles too so it seemed pretty normal to me. A a check-up the following year, I decided to ask questions about "my condition." The dr. told me that for now, I am ok, but when I was thinking of starting a family, that I would probably need some extra help. I am grateful for the heads up, I shared it with my, now husband, then fiancé, and he was aware of it as well. We decided to take our time. I was finishing my bachelors the long way, full-time work and being a student, so we waited till I was done with school. We got married young and I figured as long as we started to try by the time I was 28 we'd be ok.

I stopped my birth control pills (BC) May 2011, and started working with my OB. I gained 15 pounds in two months and I was really not happy about that. She ran some blood tests and said that my hormone levels were not terribly out of range and that I should try on my own for a bit. Two months after I hadn't gotten my period, I wasn't pregnant and I started to get worried. She ran more tests, I came back negative for endometriosis or cervical abnormalities. She then gave me a round of progesterone to kick start my period, next thing I knew I had a month-long period, and my OB didn't know how to stop it. That was when she referred me to the Fertility Center. My first appt there was December 2011, and they did the full work-up, blood tests, genetic testing, HSG, all coming back reasonably normal. My hormone levels were a bit off but nothing too alarming. My reproductive endocrinologist (RE) first had to put me back on BC for a month to thin out my uterine lining, the following month he started me on Clomid 50 mg and Metformin. I was excited about the Metformin at first cause I had read that it could help me lose weight and make conceiving easier. They monitored me through bloodwork and ultrasounds, and it wasn't working, no ovulation, no weight loss. then I got the job in another state and had to move, pretty much right away.

I was kind of relieved to take a break from all of that for a couple months, to give myself time to get situated in my new state, new job, and then find a new doctor and start all over. Not to mention the fact that the Metformin was giving me such horrible GI side effects! My new doctor at the fertility center was kind, I told her that all I cared about was a chance to be a mother, I had no deadline, no rush, I just wanted to ovulate and let nature take its course. She was super onboard and it was great! After 2 months getting me back on track she got me to ovulate with Clomid 100 mg, and without the Metformin. So then we started the timed intercourse regimen, we were taking our vitamins everyday, trying to stay calm and hopeful. First month, nothing... "ok" I thought "this is still within statistical probability" (yes this is how I think, sometimes its hell in my head). Second month, third month, nothing... what!? I was ovulating, timed intercourse, I thought everything else was normal so what is going on? I got concerned, my husband was getting a bit impatient and tired of being told when to "perform," so we asked to see the RE. She was a bit condescending this time, she said we should give it 6 months, and if nothing then we'd talk, but that if we were impatient we could try IUI "early" and gave us a sheet with info on how to go about it. I left pretty upset and unhappy with her. Fourth month w/ just Clomid and nothing... I said, one more month and then we can see. I also wanted to wait till our new year of FSA funds came in. We were really worried about how much it was going to cost. My insurance wasn't paying for the IUI, though they were paying the dr. visit, meds and ultrasounds. Fifth month... nothing. So January 2013 we tried our first IUI with no result, last month we had our 2nd IUI, and big fat heartbreaking nothing.

I decided I wanted a second or I guess, 3rd opinion at this point. I have an appt on April 3rd with a new Fertility Center. 

The hardest part about all of this is that I am hopeless romantic... I believed that I would have a happily ever after, I would get married, enjoy our youth for a while then expand our family, just like that, it would magical and when I got that positive test result, our adult life adventure would begin.
When we decided to try IUI, I had a hard time of letting the last bit of that dream go... it was not going to be natural and magical, it was going to be artifical and calculated. It was really difficult for me to make that transition. And now, with 8 months of ovulating and failed results starring me in the face, I feel like I've been a fool in thinking it would be like I always dreamed, and that I need to face reality, and reality may very well be, that if I really want to be a mother, I need to consider... IVF.

For the longest, I had put my foot down at IVF, I thought: "its forcing the hand of God" and if its not meant to be, then so be it. But I said that with hope that it wouldn't come to that. Now that its here, and I may need to consider it, I am not so staunch, high and mighty.

Right now, I am just taking this month off of IUI, and just doing Clomid. It hasn't been an easy month, my appetite is off, and today during the Palm Sunday service while the kids were walking around the sanctuary waving their palms, I lost it. I started to cry and so I prayed so hard that no one would notice because why on earth would anyone be crying on such a joyous celebratory Sunday??  I tried to make it look like allergies and during the Children's sermon I ducted out and wiped my face. By the time I got back in, all the kids had left and I could focus on worship again. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it just creeps up on you so suddenly!

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