Dear readers,
Thank you so much for following me on my journey. I have been meaning to write this for some time now and I think it is crucial that I post this. I want to say something to those reading this, that are currently going through infertility, or those who haven't started and don't know what awaits them, or perhaps those reading that are concerned for friends or a family member.
I have gotten some feedback about some fears that my posts awaken, and I feel terrible for that. My posts I hoped were to raise awareness for PCOS, endometriosis, and the emotional aspects of infertility in general. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE's infertility journey is different. Especially with PCOS, where symptoms and levels of hormonal imbalance and insulin resistance are different for all of us.
My story is not yours, or any other stories you may read. Some may be uplifting because they had happy endings, and I look forward to writing mine when the time comes, but I know they can also be scary, as mine has been as of late. Please do not over-worry yourself for something that you are not sure will or won't happen to you.
I know that sometimes, those fears of the unknown are difficult to control, but my advice if you haven't started is that if you are thinking about it, are married and know that it is in your near future plans, start sooner rather than later. It will be less expensive in the long run, and hopefully less difficult the younger you start. You are never ready for a child, and there is no way to prepare yourself for it, it is better to make informed decisions and to remember the best advocate in any medical situation is yourself. The doctors can't read your mind, and you can change doctors if you are unsatisfied with the care you are being given. And most importantly of all, make sure you are doing this as a couple. Yes it may be your body, but the decision should be made together because the other is going to have to be your rock, your nurse, your time keeper/medicine reminder, your therapist, your shoulder to fall apart with, and have to deal with all that this journey comes with. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and strong husband to keep me together through all of this, and I can only hope that I am just as much of a support to him.
And as I have posted before RESOLVE is an excellent starting point if you have any doubts at all, or if you are encountering difficulties when trying to conceive.
Best of luck to you all, may God bless you, and thank you, for following me on this journey. Also.... feel free to comment :)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Update and the 2ww
I apologize in advance because I am on 400 mg of Progesterone and am a bit on the down side, and I also had a recent death in the family.
I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.
My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.
The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.
I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.
I just want to feel like I can breathe again.
I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.
My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.
The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.
I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.
I just want to feel like I can breathe again.
Friday, August 23, 2013
A Whisper turning into a celestial shout
I believe in God. I have said that much so far in this blog, and all of my friends, acquaintances, and probably most co-workers know this. God is the center of my world. I have this belief that God has a path drawn out for us, a path that leads us to the ultimate joy in our lives. When we are most unhappy is when we are furthest from this path of His, when we are far from Him. I honestly believe this with all of my heart. During this journey, I have been angry, I have been resentful and upset for this portion of my path. I feel all of those things knowing inside that this is all part of it, and that God would NEVER put something in my life that He didn't believe I needed, or that I could survive, and come out stronger on the other side of it. I know that of all of the people in my life, if it is I that has to endure this, that my faith would get me through it, because he has put all of the right people around me to get me there. I am not doing this journey alone, and never really believed I did, even when I complained about my isolation.
I had begun to believe that as the journey got harder, it was because I wasn't getting something. I was missing a piece of the puzzle because I was SO focused on getting pregnant, of having a child of my own, on my terms, my way.
Then I began to get the whispers of adoption. My grandfather was adopted and that always made my heart twinge. Orphans, and foster children, their stories, always made something inside ache (and military families, but that I haven't figured out yet). So I began to think, perhaps I am so depressed because really, this journey is to make me see that we would make wonderful adoptive parents, and that out there, there is a child that is meant for me, that may not come from me, but that has our names in their hearts all the same.
I heard that song I posted about "Kings and Queens" that gave me joy, and I began to notice the adopted children that I worked with at church. I began to ask questions to address the fears that I had of psychological affects of adoption on children (fears that are still present but less important).
I knew that I would love to adopt given the opportunity and I was so blessed to have my husband be 100% on board with it. I realized that I would want to bring a child here from my own country. To give that child the opportunities my parents gave to me. All still just whispers and what ifs...
Today, I stayed home from work because I had been feeling crappy. I woke up, took a shower, in the shower I quickly decided on an outfit (this is relevant, stay with me). I rarely decide what to wear so easily, but I just knew which pant/shirt combo I wanted to wear today. Then, I went to pick out a purse, I was headed for the usual purse when I said to myself, I rarely wear my Nicaragua purse (a colorful purse that says NICARAGUA on it), I should wear it today, dust it off. So I do, now my outfit is colorful and complete. When DH came home, we went right back out and stayed out. We had dinner out, and decided to go to that comedy club that he saw yesterday, something to make me laugh and think of something else besides how crabby I have been lately. I didn't get a chance to go home and change like I usually do. We get there early, so we decide to wander around at a nearby shopping center, and come back about 20 mins before the show. I thought we could wander longer but DH said, he wanted to get good seats. So ok, back to the comedy venue. We get in and are in the lobby paying for the tickets when someone notices my purse and says "Are you from Nicaragua!?" so I turn around, smile and say "yes" This is where it gets weird. The friend of the person that asked me said "Really! I lived there for 2 years, and adopted two of my children from there!" and then I say "Really!? We have been thinking about adopting from there lately"... so how often do two strangers share this much information in the first minutes of meeting!? She tells me a little about her experience, and read my mind when I was hoping she'd share her info so I can get back in touch and get more information from her. She said now was the time, because of who was heading the orphanage, and that the staff is great, and that waiting time has gotten better.
In summary, a lot of encouraging information, and realizing that God's whisper to adopt has turned into Him jumping up and down in front of me shouting "I told you!!!"
So here I am, with this newly kindled fire in my heart, without being able to sleep, wondering how in God's name (literally) am I going to pull this off?? We are so in debt right now, we don't have a spare penny, or even any spare credit to begin to get this going, to hire a lawyer, who knows what else. I am wracking my brain, calling to God in prayer, asking him how to do this? I feel like this is the first ever true trial of faith He has ever placed for me. Others are nothing compared to this one. He is asking me to do something with which I have NO resources to complete. Like asking a me to feed a multitude with 2 loaves a bread and a fish.... So the first resource I will go to is the internet, surely there are scholarships, grants, something that might help us, at least to start. So here I go, God I hear you. I know. I trust in You.
Thank you for the neon sign your near sighted servant needed to see this clearer. Amen.
I had begun to believe that as the journey got harder, it was because I wasn't getting something. I was missing a piece of the puzzle because I was SO focused on getting pregnant, of having a child of my own, on my terms, my way.
Then I began to get the whispers of adoption. My grandfather was adopted and that always made my heart twinge. Orphans, and foster children, their stories, always made something inside ache (and military families, but that I haven't figured out yet). So I began to think, perhaps I am so depressed because really, this journey is to make me see that we would make wonderful adoptive parents, and that out there, there is a child that is meant for me, that may not come from me, but that has our names in their hearts all the same.
I heard that song I posted about "Kings and Queens" that gave me joy, and I began to notice the adopted children that I worked with at church. I began to ask questions to address the fears that I had of psychological affects of adoption on children (fears that are still present but less important).
I knew that I would love to adopt given the opportunity and I was so blessed to have my husband be 100% on board with it. I realized that I would want to bring a child here from my own country. To give that child the opportunities my parents gave to me. All still just whispers and what ifs...
Today, I stayed home from work because I had been feeling crappy. I woke up, took a shower, in the shower I quickly decided on an outfit (this is relevant, stay with me). I rarely decide what to wear so easily, but I just knew which pant/shirt combo I wanted to wear today. Then, I went to pick out a purse, I was headed for the usual purse when I said to myself, I rarely wear my Nicaragua purse (a colorful purse that says NICARAGUA on it), I should wear it today, dust it off. So I do, now my outfit is colorful and complete. When DH came home, we went right back out and stayed out. We had dinner out, and decided to go to that comedy club that he saw yesterday, something to make me laugh and think of something else besides how crabby I have been lately. I didn't get a chance to go home and change like I usually do. We get there early, so we decide to wander around at a nearby shopping center, and come back about 20 mins before the show. I thought we could wander longer but DH said, he wanted to get good seats. So ok, back to the comedy venue. We get in and are in the lobby paying for the tickets when someone notices my purse and says "Are you from Nicaragua!?" so I turn around, smile and say "yes" This is where it gets weird. The friend of the person that asked me said "Really! I lived there for 2 years, and adopted two of my children from there!" and then I say "Really!? We have been thinking about adopting from there lately"... so how often do two strangers share this much information in the first minutes of meeting!? She tells me a little about her experience, and read my mind when I was hoping she'd share her info so I can get back in touch and get more information from her. She said now was the time, because of who was heading the orphanage, and that the staff is great, and that waiting time has gotten better.
In summary, a lot of encouraging information, and realizing that God's whisper to adopt has turned into Him jumping up and down in front of me shouting "I told you!!!"
So here I am, with this newly kindled fire in my heart, without being able to sleep, wondering how in God's name (literally) am I going to pull this off?? We are so in debt right now, we don't have a spare penny, or even any spare credit to begin to get this going, to hire a lawyer, who knows what else. I am wracking my brain, calling to God in prayer, asking him how to do this? I feel like this is the first ever true trial of faith He has ever placed for me. Others are nothing compared to this one. He is asking me to do something with which I have NO resources to complete. Like asking a me to feed a multitude with 2 loaves a bread and a fish.... So the first resource I will go to is the internet, surely there are scholarships, grants, something that might help us, at least to start. So here I go, God I hear you. I know. I trust in You.
Thank you for the neon sign your near sighted servant needed to see this clearer. Amen.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Post Surgery
All went well. Endometriosis diagnosis was positive. I won't post much until after my post-op with the RE when I get all the gory details. Thank you for your prayers :)
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Surgery
In 15 hours I will be having my laparascopy and ovarian drilling, and honestly at this moment all I am dreading is the hours before where I won't be allowed to eat anything. My blood sugar drops pretty drastically, and makes me woozy I get REALLY cranky... I am hoping the adrenaline and anxiety will keep most of those symptoms at bay. I am also trying to eat a little before midnight and stay up as late as possible so I can sleep through most of it until I have to go, but as it is with most things, because I can't eat it will probably be worse than if I had just not wanted to. But before I know it I will have an IV in me with fluids and glorious anxiety meds and I will drift off to sleep, wake up a few hours later dazed and confused and start the recovery process.
My niece keeps asking me if I am nervous, and I am a little because of the unknowns, but I trust my doctor (obviously) and most importantly, I trust God. I know that this needs to happen, and He is guiding me through the whole thing and will hold my hand and guide my Dr.'s as he performs the procedure. I can't worry or do anything about those unknowns so the best I can do is just let it go.
Because I believe in God's mercy and grace I ask for your prayers for a smooth surgery and a speedy, easy recovery, and many enjoyable hours with friends, family and David Tennant ;)
See you on the other side!
My niece keeps asking me if I am nervous, and I am a little because of the unknowns, but I trust my doctor (obviously) and most importantly, I trust God. I know that this needs to happen, and He is guiding me through the whole thing and will hold my hand and guide my Dr.'s as he performs the procedure. I can't worry or do anything about those unknowns so the best I can do is just let it go.
Because I believe in God's mercy and grace I ask for your prayers for a smooth surgery and a speedy, easy recovery, and many enjoyable hours with friends, family and David Tennant ;)
See you on the other side!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Next, Next step
I finally was able to get myself into the RE's office after the failed IVF cycle to talk about what he thinks went wrong. He was very suspicious of the cycle because he said that I had 10 good sized follicles, and of those, we should have retrieved at least 8 eggs, and we only got 4. He discredited my theory of me having bad eggs because he said that the eggs, when fertilized were grade 4 and one was grade 3, and that the two that made it were high quality, so they should have implanted. After going over the numbers some more, he said that he suspects the uterine lining. He thought, perhaps I have endometriosis. This diagnosis has been a suspicion of every OB I have worked with but since it is difficult to diagnosis with certainty without laparascopy, it was just discarded.
I told the RE that I cannot financially or emotionally go through IVF again, at least not right now, and I asked, if IVF was my only chance. He said no. So we decided to go through with the ovarian drilling via laparascopy which will allow him to also go in and diagnosis the possible endometriosis and if its there, to clean it out. He said that a high percentage of women get pregnant within months of this procedure, even if they don't have endometriosis. He joked that its like he releases the bad humors in there and brings in good juju... it was kinda funny.
I am always very nervous about surgery and all of the things that could go wrong, but its worth a shot. Like creating a clean slate.
I cannot use the H word with this procedure, not because I don't think it will help, but because I am fresh out of it at this point. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I don't desire anything anymore. I am autopilot and kind of just want to get this over with, to get to a point that I have done all I can do so I can be at peace.
I do kind of miss that feeling though. That idea that beyond this procedure a-few-months-from-now-me is smiling back and me saying "don't be such a brat, this was good!" I want to imagine that, but I can't. I feel like if I let my guard down, just for a second, I will fall apart and I won't be able to keep going like I have been. I feel like am ok right now. I won't be great, I won't be happy to the full extent of the word, because, like I said before, something has been taken from me and I am still trying to heal, but I am ok with being OK right now. I am taking care of me and I am chugging along life as best I can. So, I can't let my guard down, I can't hope because I just don't know how to balance being OK and hoping at the same time.
I told the RE that I cannot financially or emotionally go through IVF again, at least not right now, and I asked, if IVF was my only chance. He said no. So we decided to go through with the ovarian drilling via laparascopy which will allow him to also go in and diagnosis the possible endometriosis and if its there, to clean it out. He said that a high percentage of women get pregnant within months of this procedure, even if they don't have endometriosis. He joked that its like he releases the bad humors in there and brings in good juju... it was kinda funny.
I am always very nervous about surgery and all of the things that could go wrong, but its worth a shot. Like creating a clean slate.
I cannot use the H word with this procedure, not because I don't think it will help, but because I am fresh out of it at this point. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I don't desire anything anymore. I am autopilot and kind of just want to get this over with, to get to a point that I have done all I can do so I can be at peace.
I do kind of miss that feeling though. That idea that beyond this procedure a-few-months-from-now-me is smiling back and me saying "don't be such a brat, this was good!" I want to imagine that, but I can't. I feel like if I let my guard down, just for a second, I will fall apart and I won't be able to keep going like I have been. I feel like am ok right now. I won't be great, I won't be happy to the full extent of the word, because, like I said before, something has been taken from me and I am still trying to heal, but I am ok with being OK right now. I am taking care of me and I am chugging along life as best I can. So, I can't let my guard down, I can't hope because I just don't know how to balance being OK and hoping at the same time.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
Thursday, July 11, 2013
It all comes down to money...
Since our failed IVF embryo implant last month, I have been slowly picking up the pieces. We have decided to take a break for now. And I have to say, it is kind of liberating. Not having to think about peeing on a stick, I don't even know what day of my cycle I am at, or what shots, pills, vitamins I have to take when. I decided that I have to be serious about who I am and what I body can and cannot do. I have PCOS and therefore I have insulin resistance and hormone imbalance, and I am overweight. It is time to take care of me. My motivation of course is getting my PCOS symptoms under control and hopefully conceive on my own, but outwardly, I just want to feel better about myself. I want to stop blaming myself for the candy, chocolates, soda, cake, that I have eaten and do something about it.
So now, I am changing my eating habits and converting to the low glycemic index as my guide for how I eat. I joined the gym yesterday and I feel empowered. That is not a word that is hardly ever used during the infertility journey, and I know that it is not a promise that if I lower my glycemic intake, and exercise as I should that it will all magically get fixed, but at least I will feel like I am doing everything in my power to control this beast.
In the meantime we have been throwing around the adoption idea as well. We both REALLY want to do it, no matter what. The thing is, I don't want adoption to be a "last resource" or like I read once online, I don't want it to be the end of something, but the beginning. I also owe it to that child for them to know they are loved and wanted and in a home that will care for their every need. But as I think about, I try very hard to be realistic, and we just spent all of our savings on fixing up the house we just bought, our credit cards are maxed out, and we are just barely above water. Adoption is a HUGE financial burden that I don't know we can handle right now. I fear that money will become the huge giant elephant in the room and it will tear our marriage apart. It has always been a sore spot between us and I always get a knot in my stomach when we have to talk about it because I know that 9 times out of 10, we will end up getting angry or upset by the end of the conversation. Not to mention the scary statistics that most divorces are because of financial differences. I bet a lot of times, when infertility separates a couple, it comes down to money as well. Don't quote me on that, its just a gut feeling.
So no matter how badly we want to get the adoption process started, we need to consider the consequences of our decision well, and those consequences are pretty much exclusively: MONEY.
If it weren't for money, we'd had bought at least the 2-IVF cycle package, and we wouldn't be second guessing when to start the adoption process. It is so frustrating that it comes down to one thing as the biggest obstacle for infertility resolution, and sadly for some, an impossible obstacle to overcome.
So now, I am changing my eating habits and converting to the low glycemic index as my guide for how I eat. I joined the gym yesterday and I feel empowered. That is not a word that is hardly ever used during the infertility journey, and I know that it is not a promise that if I lower my glycemic intake, and exercise as I should that it will all magically get fixed, but at least I will feel like I am doing everything in my power to control this beast.
In the meantime we have been throwing around the adoption idea as well. We both REALLY want to do it, no matter what. The thing is, I don't want adoption to be a "last resource" or like I read once online, I don't want it to be the end of something, but the beginning. I also owe it to that child for them to know they are loved and wanted and in a home that will care for their every need. But as I think about, I try very hard to be realistic, and we just spent all of our savings on fixing up the house we just bought, our credit cards are maxed out, and we are just barely above water. Adoption is a HUGE financial burden that I don't know we can handle right now. I fear that money will become the huge giant elephant in the room and it will tear our marriage apart. It has always been a sore spot between us and I always get a knot in my stomach when we have to talk about it because I know that 9 times out of 10, we will end up getting angry or upset by the end of the conversation. Not to mention the scary statistics that most divorces are because of financial differences. I bet a lot of times, when infertility separates a couple, it comes down to money as well. Don't quote me on that, its just a gut feeling.
So no matter how badly we want to get the adoption process started, we need to consider the consequences of our decision well, and those consequences are pretty much exclusively: MONEY.
If it weren't for money, we'd had bought at least the 2-IVF cycle package, and we wouldn't be second guessing when to start the adoption process. It is so frustrating that it comes down to one thing as the biggest obstacle for infertility resolution, and sadly for some, an impossible obstacle to overcome.
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