My husband and I have fully embraced our new journey of living childless. Our hearts reached the decision in silence on our own, until one day, one of us was brave enough to speak it out loud to the other. Since then we have worked together to make sure there are no regrets, resentments or doubts about what we have chosen for ourselves, and trust me we were thorough. I am the kind of person that can talk an issue to death, and my husband is the kind of person to make up his mind in a millisecond, so we may have worked over the issue more than he wanted but as much as I needed.
We are in the processes of selling that house with all the dreams and that other life that is hard to even remember sometimes. We are talking about new futures, plans and goals. This is our new truth.
But here's the thing, I struggled with accepting it because I kept wondering about those other moments when that felt like the truth of the moment. What about when I felt like there was no sacrifice too small to become a mother? or what about that day when I felt the universe was trying to tell me that adoption was the way to go? ....or what about the day when I felt in my bones that this was all my fault and that I was doing everything wrong? ... or even worse, the time I was sure my husband would be happier if he left me so he could still have a chance at a family?
All of those were truths to me at one point. Some darker than others. They all felt real, and in that moment in that time, they were. It does not take away their value, because each of those truths were part of the process that I had to go through to get to where I am today.
I said at the very beginning of all of this, what I seek is peace with this journey, not a child, not a "solution"... but peace. And this moment, this journey, feels like more peace than I have felt in a long time. And yet, I doesn't stop hurting.
Father's Day is around the corner, and I can't help but feel that pain that you feel in your chest when you know someone you love is feeling left out and hurting... My protectiveness goes into full gear and I want to make sure he is ok. But if he is not, that is ok too. He is allowed to feel whatever this day may feel for him and its ok if its different than my pain on Mother's day.
This is our new Truth, and we will embrace it, struggle with it, and be strengthened by it, every day.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Finding courage to finish my thoughts
There are a few posts that I started and lost the courage and strength to finish it. I have decided to revisit those posts and combine them here As I read through them I realize together they are a complete post. I have had time to sit with these ideas and feelings and I don't like making decisions out of fear, much less leaving things unfinished, so here I go.
This post was called: So much more than being a mother. I started it in October 2015. Here is what I had written at that point:
I have been thinking a lot about why infertility still hurts. I no longer feel a horrible hollowness when I am around children, I feel awkward cause I have protected myself from the sadness that being around children caused for so long that I feel like my interactions with children are robotic and skiddish. But still, when I think about what I am going to do with my life and realize I am in this tailspin because of what we have gone through I get upset and the unfairness of it all hits me again. In a conversation with my husband the other day I realized that if we decide to stay childless that we would not go through that growth period of becoming parents and learning about selflessness, to set aside everything for someone who depends on you so absolutely. That fear and awe of being everything to a small child. For parents, its an external motivation, your child, but for those of us who don't have an external motivation, how do we obtain that growth?
This post was called: When I need feminism the most. I started it in December 2015.
There is one thing that I have been genuinely afraid of talking about on this blog. I am afraid of talking about a life without children. I fear judgement, disappointment, outrage, pity... I have recently come across a blog called TheNotMom.com
They recently had a summit with women who are childless by choice and by chance as they say. When I learned about it I really wanted to go, but I couldn't gather the courage.. what would I tell my family? My friends? I wouldn't post about it on social media for fear of judgement. I lost the courage and decided not to go. Maybe some of the judgement I fear is in my head as much as it is in society, but a recent article I read on the website tells me there may be some truth in my apprehension and that I'm not entirely paranoid, the writer says "I believe that we can talk about women’s lives in ways that broaden the idea of what a fulfilled female experience looks like!"
Let's be honest, when we think of fulfilled lives of women, it has to include a husband and children, and then she will be complete. This is where I feel feminism hasn't made enough progress, or at least the progress that affects me directly. I don't want to feel that fear, or that pressure that if I do not exhaust all resources, or if we decide not to adopt, that I am not a complete woman, I am not fulfilling my destiny. I also don't want to have to surround myself with childless by choice women who tend to kid-bash and judge other women who do decide that they want to be mothers no matter what.
In my perfect world, women will be friends no matter their family status and their feelings on children. In this perfect world, there will be no kid-bashing, shaming for being childless,
Fast forward to today, March 2016:
All of this still rings true for me. I realize that I lacked the courage to complete and submit these posts then because I was afraid of what others might think or say to us about considering living childless... because I hear them in my own doubts and thoughts. But this is part of that issue that I think God is working out in me, that perfect plan that doesn't deviate or change, that I can write out in permanent marker with a timeline and due dates. I need to accept that it is ok if the plan changes. This is my reality right now.... isn't that what reality means? "What is true right now." This is what is true for me and I don't need anyone's validation.It is such a blessing that my husband and I are on the same page his is the only validation I need. This is not a decision to make alone, but I have never been alone. Some how we have managed to keep pace throughout this journey and we have reached this same point together. When we disagreed it was because I was holding on to the white picket fence dream with tooth and nail.
Sometimes I feel like I can hear people's thoughts... "this is how you feel now, but things will change." It's what I used to think of young women who had decided to not be mothers. Shame on me.
So I am trading in my permanent marker for some sidewalk chalk that can be washed away by God's rain so that I can start over, wherever I am. Here I am Lord. Do with my life as you will. My Rock and my Redeemer.
This post was called: So much more than being a mother. I started it in October 2015. Here is what I had written at that point:
I have been thinking a lot about why infertility still hurts. I no longer feel a horrible hollowness when I am around children, I feel awkward cause I have protected myself from the sadness that being around children caused for so long that I feel like my interactions with children are robotic and skiddish. But still, when I think about what I am going to do with my life and realize I am in this tailspin because of what we have gone through I get upset and the unfairness of it all hits me again. In a conversation with my husband the other day I realized that if we decide to stay childless that we would not go through that growth period of becoming parents and learning about selflessness, to set aside everything for someone who depends on you so absolutely. That fear and awe of being everything to a small child. For parents, its an external motivation, your child, but for those of us who don't have an external motivation, how do we obtain that growth?
This post was called: When I need feminism the most. I started it in December 2015.
There is one thing that I have been genuinely afraid of talking about on this blog. I am afraid of talking about a life without children. I fear judgement, disappointment, outrage, pity... I have recently come across a blog called TheNotMom.com
They recently had a summit with women who are childless by choice and by chance as they say. When I learned about it I really wanted to go, but I couldn't gather the courage.. what would I tell my family? My friends? I wouldn't post about it on social media for fear of judgement. I lost the courage and decided not to go. Maybe some of the judgement I fear is in my head as much as it is in society, but a recent article I read on the website tells me there may be some truth in my apprehension and that I'm not entirely paranoid, the writer says "I believe that we can talk about women’s lives in ways that broaden the idea of what a fulfilled female experience looks like!"
Let's be honest, when we think of fulfilled lives of women, it has to include a husband and children, and then she will be complete. This is where I feel feminism hasn't made enough progress, or at least the progress that affects me directly. I don't want to feel that fear, or that pressure that if I do not exhaust all resources, or if we decide not to adopt, that I am not a complete woman, I am not fulfilling my destiny. I also don't want to have to surround myself with childless by choice women who tend to kid-bash and judge other women who do decide that they want to be mothers no matter what.
In my perfect world, women will be friends no matter their family status and their feelings on children. In this perfect world, there will be no kid-bashing, shaming for being childless,
Fast forward to today, March 2016:
All of this still rings true for me. I realize that I lacked the courage to complete and submit these posts then because I was afraid of what others might think or say to us about considering living childless... because I hear them in my own doubts and thoughts. But this is part of that issue that I think God is working out in me, that perfect plan that doesn't deviate or change, that I can write out in permanent marker with a timeline and due dates. I need to accept that it is ok if the plan changes. This is my reality right now.... isn't that what reality means? "What is true right now." This is what is true for me and I don't need anyone's validation.It is such a blessing that my husband and I are on the same page his is the only validation I need. This is not a decision to make alone, but I have never been alone. Some how we have managed to keep pace throughout this journey and we have reached this same point together. When we disagreed it was because I was holding on to the white picket fence dream with tooth and nail.
Sometimes I feel like I can hear people's thoughts... "this is how you feel now, but things will change." It's what I used to think of young women who had decided to not be mothers. Shame on me.
So I am trading in my permanent marker for some sidewalk chalk that can be washed away by God's rain so that I can start over, wherever I am. Here I am Lord. Do with my life as you will. My Rock and my Redeemer.
Reinvisioning Christmas
December 22, 2015
I have struggled with Christmas for a few years now, even before we started treatment. I have had trouble feeling the true purpose of Christmas amid the noise, unrelated traditions, and consumerism that surrounds this time of year. It's like trying to have an important heartfelt conversation in the middle of a busy mall with obnoxious music blaring, people rushing around and hitting me with their shopping bags. I can't hear what the conversation is suppose to be about but I know it's important. And then there are the others around me trying to pull me away from the conversation because the conversation isn't important to them....
I try to find purpose in the story, the birth of the Savior... but the songs and the story talk about the birth of the long awaited child, of Mary full with child, Mary seeing her baby for the first time.... and as you can imagine, I can't. I wish I could detach my story from Mary's, but when it comes to faith, my emotions are the eyes with which I see and understand.
I need to find a different approach to Christmas. I want to be able engage in the anticipation of Advent and with the joy surrounding the season.
I was reading a devotional today with my favorite scripture for the season:
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was in the beginning with God. 3All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being 4in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. 5The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it." (John 1:1-5)
This is the beginning of Jesus' story, which began at the beginning of life itself. Christmas is the celebration of the Incarnation of God, which is a bittersweet story. God, knowing of the rejection, pain and suffering that was to come, decided we were worth it... God in his infinite grace decided to come into the world to guide us and show us truth, hope, justice, mercy, life... LOVE
It's not just about a mother giving birth to a holy child, fragile and small that held the hope of the world. It's about WHY God did this... "For God so loved the world..."
I have struggled with Christmas for a few years now, even before we started treatment. I have had trouble feeling the true purpose of Christmas amid the noise, unrelated traditions, and consumerism that surrounds this time of year. It's like trying to have an important heartfelt conversation in the middle of a busy mall with obnoxious music blaring, people rushing around and hitting me with their shopping bags. I can't hear what the conversation is suppose to be about but I know it's important. And then there are the others around me trying to pull me away from the conversation because the conversation isn't important to them....
I try to find purpose in the story, the birth of the Savior... but the songs and the story talk about the birth of the long awaited child, of Mary full with child, Mary seeing her baby for the first time.... and as you can imagine, I can't. I wish I could detach my story from Mary's, but when it comes to faith, my emotions are the eyes with which I see and understand.
I need to find a different approach to Christmas. I want to be able engage in the anticipation of Advent and with the joy surrounding the season.
I was reading a devotional today with my favorite scripture for the season:
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was in the beginning with God. 3All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being 4in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. 5The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it." (John 1:1-5)
This is the beginning of Jesus' story, which began at the beginning of life itself. Christmas is the celebration of the Incarnation of God, which is a bittersweet story. God, knowing of the rejection, pain and suffering that was to come, decided we were worth it... God in his infinite grace decided to come into the world to guide us and show us truth, hope, justice, mercy, life... LOVE
It's not just about a mother giving birth to a holy child, fragile and small that held the hope of the world. It's about WHY God did this... "For God so loved the world..."
Friday, December 4, 2015
Crosspost with Amateur Nester
Amateur Nester interviewed me for her blog and I was honored and grateful to share my story with a new audience. You can read my interview here:
http://www.amateurnester.com/2015/12/oraly-infertility-story.html#more-6975
http://www.amateurnester.com/2015/12/oraly-infertility-story.html#more-6975
Monday, July 27, 2015
Hope Box
I have a love/hate relationship with my house....for context let me explain the layout a little further. The first floor has the master bedroom, and all the other living areas, kitchen, etc. We currently don't really need the three extra rooms on the second floor and it has been eating at me, especially when I go upstairs to dump more things I don't know what to do with up there. The bonus room was going to be the guest room, the other spare room was going to be the nursery, and the room off to the side is already my office/standby bedroom for #2. The house is beautiful and open and well lit and I love the feel of it... but this house also reminds me of how optimistic we were 2 years ago, and how foolish I feel today.
So, in an effort to make the house feel less wasteful and empty I have rearranged the rooms upstairs a bit. The spare room is now the guest room, and the bonus room is now a hobby room/lady lounge. I have started to fill it with inspiring words and images, crafty tools and a place for most things that make me happy... its a work in progress. The other half of the room is still a dumping ground. In the pile of junk that I don't know what to do with I found a cardboard box that broke me today. I always knew the box was there and I remembered it had some things I didn't want to deal with but I couldn't quite remember all that was in there. I felt strong today and I really want this room to look and feel nice... a sanctuary I can go. But I can't feel peace there with this box just sitting there, taking up space and pestering me to deal with it.... so I did today. I opened the box and found my husband's childhood stuffed animals that he has carried with him all this time to hand down to his children, and this takes quiet the effort cause he moved around a lot. I have that same love/hate relationship with those toys. They are ugly, old, and tattered... but they mean so much to him, the man I love, and they mean something totally different to me, an unfulfilled promise.
I found more things we have collected over the years, keeping to our gender neutral rainbow color theme, a quilted sun and moon, a rainbow glass decor that reads "Dream", some more old needlepoints and things he has carried around and saved for that special little someone we are still waiting for... We had a theme, we had names, we had plans... and yes, I say had, because it hurts too much to hope anymore, to live on that idea that its still a "when, and not an if." After 4 years of this I just can't keep planning, keep collecting, and instead of letting that box feed my hope, it just feeds my grief, of all of time lost, of pain, and the changes within us, and in our lives, continuously adapting and adjusting to it as others move on, become bigger families, and we stay as we are, holding on tight to each other for fear that we might fall apart if we don't.
I did take one item from that box for myself. I can always give it back if it's ever needed elsewhere...
So, in an effort to make the house feel less wasteful and empty I have rearranged the rooms upstairs a bit. The spare room is now the guest room, and the bonus room is now a hobby room/lady lounge. I have started to fill it with inspiring words and images, crafty tools and a place for most things that make me happy... its a work in progress. The other half of the room is still a dumping ground. In the pile of junk that I don't know what to do with I found a cardboard box that broke me today. I always knew the box was there and I remembered it had some things I didn't want to deal with but I couldn't quite remember all that was in there. I felt strong today and I really want this room to look and feel nice... a sanctuary I can go. But I can't feel peace there with this box just sitting there, taking up space and pestering me to deal with it.... so I did today. I opened the box and found my husband's childhood stuffed animals that he has carried with him all this time to hand down to his children, and this takes quiet the effort cause he moved around a lot. I have that same love/hate relationship with those toys. They are ugly, old, and tattered... but they mean so much to him, the man I love, and they mean something totally different to me, an unfulfilled promise.
I found more things we have collected over the years, keeping to our gender neutral rainbow color theme, a quilted sun and moon, a rainbow glass decor that reads "Dream", some more old needlepoints and things he has carried around and saved for that special little someone we are still waiting for... We had a theme, we had names, we had plans... and yes, I say had, because it hurts too much to hope anymore, to live on that idea that its still a "when, and not an if." After 4 years of this I just can't keep planning, keep collecting, and instead of letting that box feed my hope, it just feeds my grief, of all of time lost, of pain, and the changes within us, and in our lives, continuously adapting and adjusting to it as others move on, become bigger families, and we stay as we are, holding on tight to each other for fear that we might fall apart if we don't.
I did take one item from that box for myself. I can always give it back if it's ever needed elsewhere...
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Writing Assignment #3: Goals vs. Fears
I have always been an astronomy aficionado. I was probably one of the few kids in 4th grade reading about black holes and trying to understand how immense the universe was. I acknowledged I was an anxious person so I knew that even though being an astronaut sounds really cool, realistically, I would never do that, so by 6th grade I had decided I wanted to work in the NASA control room! I wanted to be a NASA engineer. I stuck by this for a long time. My first attempt at a college degree was for Systems Engineering with this goal in mind. Along the way I talked myself out of it, and decided it was a long shot to get hired by NASA and that I should figure out a back up plan, something else I would enjoy doing with a systems engineering degree.... but nothing came to me. Life changes occurred, I had to move away two years into my engineering degree and I went on a totally different path. I had always been fascinated with psychology, I believe myself to be an intuitive and highly empathetic person, I didn't know what I wanted to do with the degree exactly but I knew I would enjoy research of some sort, so I pursued a psychology degree. I did get an A.A. and when I moved on to the 4 year college to get a bachelors I realized I would need to do a lot more school to be able to get into psychology research, so, I changed my mind again. I was getting married and I felt I just needed a degree so I can be a real adult and a contributing member of our new family.
I really took my time with this decision, I thought a lot about what I want to do and the best way to get there. I realized that one of nagging issues with the engineering degree was that I didn't feel like it would necessarily give me the kinds of jobs that would be helping other people and not just corporations. I wanted a job that made me feel like I was directly impacting a person's life for the better. While getting my A.A. I had an amazing biology teacher, Mrs. Rutledge. I had honestly hated biology in the past. But the way she taught it was like it was the most fascinating subject on the planet! I LOVED her enthusiasm so much! She made me feel like learning about cells and genetics was the most important work I could ever do. As I deliberated about my future I kept remembering Mrs. Rutledge, and felt a calling to go into Biology. I could specialize in the biomedical field and feel like I can make a difference in peoples lives, and so I did. I am still passionate about the importance of the biomedical field, and I still love the science behind it all. I just happen to be in a place my career where I am waiting for the next thing, and I don't know what that is.
If I didn't have to worry about money, relationships, or opportunities.... I would go get a PhD... I have let so many people scare me out of this idea so many times I had let it go. But if I want to make a difference and I want my voice to be heard, I feel like I need more credentials than just a bio major. I also think that the life experience I would gain from a good doctorate program would be fulfilling. What is holding me back it just that, money, the desire to improve our financial situation so that we can adopt, and the fact that because of all of my bouncing around and life getting in the way of my education, I don't have the best academic record. My early years are beautiful. It was my last years at the four year college that hurt the worst. they have shaken my confidence in myself. Then add on the infertility struggles, and the job issues I have had recently, and well, here I am.... doing the best that I can to rebuild myself back up to the strong confident woman I know lives inside me... somewhere.
Reading this over I realize I am an ambitious person that does not give up. I may be knocked down, doors may close, but I get back up and push open a window, wiggle in and start again. I believe I have something to contribute, and that what I have to say matters. I will not rest until I find the place where I can fulfill my purpose in life, whatever that may be.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Writing Assignment #2: Untruths vs. Truths
- I do not have a feminine body and am not sexy
- Not being attractive is why I have difficulty keeping friends
- I am not as intelligent as I wish I were
- I procrastinate so much that I will never amount to anything
- Others are more successful than I am because I am mediocre at everything I do
- I am selfish and don't do enough for others
- I am a hypocrite because I live my life the way I judge others of doing
My truths and virtues
- My body is my own and a generous gift from God and I love myself just as I am. Sexy is a state of mind and there is nothing more sexy than confidence
- I am a loyal and caring friend and that is why I am blessed with as many friends as I have in my life. Friends leave because that is the way life is, we grow and we change and we need different support at different times in our lives.
- I am smart and capable. I can follow along and contribute in conversations of varying subjects
- Allowing time for myself is not a reason to feel guilty. It is healthy and necessary and the small amount of time I take for myself will help me become the person who I want to be
- I should not measure my worth and success against others who are on different paths than mine. I should measure my worth and success by how much I give of myself to the things that make me happy and feel satisfied.
- Giving of myself to others is something that I truly enjoy and is as equally important to give time to others as it is for myself
- I am not perfect, neither is anyone else. All I can do is continue to love God and give Glory to His name and be forgiving of others and of myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)