I was reflecting on how calm I have felt relative to when I was doing the Clomid all of last year. It came up because I had an exceptionally annoying day at work, where co-workers told me about injustices toward other co-workers and those things usually upset me. Don't get me wrong, I was outraged and saddened by the things that people were telling me, but I didn't lose my temper, or go off somewhere to cry. I just said what I had to say and walked away, just as calm as before all of this.
I thought at first, that it must be that what I had heard about IVF drugs not being so bad, must be true. But then I thought about my state of mind, and it is different than when I was on the Clomid. Then, I felt like I was grasping at straws, and I didn't feel like anything I did made things better. I felt out of control of the whole thing, and that made me more miserable.
To decide to do IVF is not a light decision to make. There is a whole process of grieving, of releasing the control, of realizing that this time, its not going to be "natural" and that the storybook moment is not going to happen. For me, as a person of faith, I had to come to terms with this not necessarily being me "forcing God's hand" because in the end, it is still up to Him. And through that process I think I was able to release some of those "demons" that would make me lose myself in hysterics. I have come to peace with my condition and the facts that I cannot deny anymore. I have infertility, it is not my fault, and there is so much medical science can do for me, that there is no need to lose hope.
I am very hopeful that I will find peace, in the end. Praise be to my Merciful God.