Monday, May 13, 2013

End of Week 1 - Pincushion

I feel like a pincushion.

I am finishing up my first week of IVF treatment, and so far, not too bad. I am on what I think is an average-low dose of the injections. We added the Ganarelix yesterday. I have gone in about 4 times for bloodwork and ultrasounds. More than anything it has been a nightmare of dealing with the insurance company. I don't want to complain because I am grateful that they are covering most of it, really all of it as of right now, but its been pulling teeth to actually get the meds when I need them. I have had to pay out of pocket twice now for medication that I hadn't received that they covered. It was painful but I just keep reminding myself that this is all worth it and its small potatoes in the scheme of things. I will complain about the unwanted/needed stress the insurance is putting me through on something that is already very stressful. But I can also say that everyone I have dealt with, though not all competent, have been kind and understanding while I try my darnest not to let the hormones get the best of me and my mild temperament. 
I keep trying to remember who I am and the strength that God has given me and of how grateful I am for the ability to afford all of this when there are others that only wish they could.

I have my moments of sadness, anxiety, uneasiness about the meds, the procedure, the expectations I try not to have. I can't help it though, sometimes, I get excited, to think of what might be, then I try to bring myself back and not allow myself to start dreaming, making plans, because it isn't a sure thing and it is in God's hands, as it always has been. I get scared because I think of upcoming events and can't help but wonder what state will I be in? I know this is a terrible idea because I've done it before.

It was a friend's wedding, November 2011, we had started trying that May and I avoided buying a dress for the longest time, hoping, wishing, that I would need something loose, maybe even from the maternity section. Then the wedding came, and I went out the weekend before to buy a dress, and when I came home with the non-maternity dress, I cried. And at the wedding, this beautiful gorgeous wedding, it was in the back of my mind... this wasn't how this evening was supposed to go, I was supposed to be glowing, happy, coyly turning down alcoholic beverages.

So no, I can't do that to myself again. I can't think about the future, I can't give myself ideas of what may be in a month, in three month, in six.

I have stopped being angry, I automatically avoid situations, conversations, I don't have to think about it anymore, I am always on the defense. I try to enjoy the little things, the nature walks I love so much, the company of my furry pets, of my friends, of being spontaneous and just getting up and going somewhere, of being able to do the work I have a passion for. So instead I dream about the future of my career, of my field, what I can do in a few years when I go back to school, all of the possibilities that are out there for me, no matter what my situation. I am alive, and I have a life to live, a life to give back with, that is my purpose and that is what I can focus on right now.

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