This has been a difficult week for me. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it is. Things at home have felt tense, work has been overly busy and co-workers are exhausting me mentally and emotionally. On Friday I felt really weepy. I felt tired and worn down, and emotionally drained. Saturday I was able to brush it off and keep going. But today again I feel it, the exhaustion, the sadness sitting in my chest, clouding my mind. I feel as though if I can name it, I can beat it, and I am trying. I think perhaps it is because this is truly the first month that I have no fertility plans. That I feel in the back of my mind as though I have "given up." I try to be optimistic, look on the bright side, and pray about the adoption plans as hard and fervently as I can, but inside there is still something that hurts. The fact that I am no longer pursing the dream of having my own child, mine and my husbands. I know I can love and care for a child that is not genetically mine, I know that I will be happy building our family through adoption. But right now, in this moment, it hurts, letting the fairy tale go.
I don't know if this is going to be my new normal, that this pain will become a dull ache in my heart for the rest of my life. I can't imagine it wouldn't. Its ingrained in everyday life, in every culture and every media source: the beauty of giving birth to new life, nurturing it and watching them grow like you and different to you. Like a you version 2.0.
I was thinking about my family, and relieved that word has gotten around, because I didn't want to ever have to hear from them that question... and the more I thought about it, I found some comfort in that the other two cousins I have that are my age, also do not have children. One is recently married and a bit of a rebel (for an uber traditional upbringing such as ours) and the other is off pursing career goals and dreams and hasn't really had a steady significant other in a long time. So in that sense I don't feel like I'm being left behind, and my family is very compassionate and kind anyway. I just feel like I feel trying to figure out where I need to put up walls, where I am going to need to protect myself from next. Currently, I am just putting up walls within me, to protect me from falling apart and losing myself in grief. I don't have time or need for it. I just want to keep going.
But this weekend, grief has found me, through a crack in the walls and keeps trickling in every so often, wearing me down. And I am tired.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Updates, and wanting normal.
First, updates:
I got another BFN from the last IUI. This past month I decided I didn't want to go through all of that again but I didn't want to not try. I felt that since I had gone through the surgery and all of that, that I should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. So, I convinced myself that if it was going to happen because of the surgery than all I would need is the Femara, which is what I did. I am currently waiting for AF some time this week. I'm not gonna test or think about it, just wait. I am done stressing about my cycle and wondering what treatment is next.
This approach has been rejuvenating in a way. I know for some, it stresses them out to "not do anything" and "waste time" but for me, every month I've given myself off from treatment has renewed me, given me a reminder that there is a life that God has given me and I need to live it! It helps me find purpose in all that I do.
I had done some research and found out that all I need is 4 cycles a year and that there are some that just do progesterone treatments to let it happen every three months. I will need to consult with a doctor about it to make sure it is the right course of action for me and my specific condition, but I think that is what I'd like to do if possible. I will continue to monitor my diet and exercise and hopefully get back on the Metformin. Currently I am fighting my insurance company about it and am deciding if its worth it in the end. We shall see.
Emotionally, I am pretty good. I have moments of calmness and clarity. Certain things and situations don't bother me as much anymore. Seeing children and pregnant women doesn't make my stomach tighten and my heart ache. Instead I think: "I am so grateful to God that those women do not have to deal with these struggles, or if they did, I am glad they found resolve." I still have aches every once in a while, but not painful ones, but those of wanting time to quickly, because I know sometime soon I will have my child, to love, to hold, to teach, and to learn from, to share experiences and stories with.
In the meantime, I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to those friendships I cherish so much, and it seems so difficult to do. Everyone seems to be moving on, getting into serious relationships, having their 1st and 2nd children, moving, changing jobs, going to grad school. I feel like I have lost a lot of time being so turned inward in the last year with the move, the job and treatment, that I may have neglected or alienated my friends. And for me, family and friendships are so essential for keeping me sane, and keeping me who I am. Without them I feel ... invisible. I need to feel needed, to feel like someone is thinking of me. I try to keep traditions, movie premieres, game nights, instant messaging, to still feel connected, and its hard. I forget, they are busy, responsibilities get in the way, sometimes its even that I get in my own way, worried that that person I am trying to connect with doesn't care, doesn't have time, energy. I don't know if its all the infertility, or if its also just part of growing up... I just cherish having history with someone, feeling like they know me, at different stages in my life, so that they can look at me and honestly say: I know you, and you are still you. But to be honest, I don't feel like I have anyone in my life at this point that can say that. My oldest friends are so far away that I feel like they don't know the me of now, the me after all that I have lived, they know the teenager. And the person closest to me knows the 20-something and now, but not the teenager... I guess that is why I keep them all around, because together they all know me, in bits and pieces. And I think that is still definitely a blessing.
So for now, I will love the life I have to live, the amazing husband I have been blessed with and to continue to love, to grow and to get strong to prepare for that awaited time.
I got another BFN from the last IUI. This past month I decided I didn't want to go through all of that again but I didn't want to not try. I felt that since I had gone through the surgery and all of that, that I should at least give it the benefit of the doubt. So, I convinced myself that if it was going to happen because of the surgery than all I would need is the Femara, which is what I did. I am currently waiting for AF some time this week. I'm not gonna test or think about it, just wait. I am done stressing about my cycle and wondering what treatment is next.
This approach has been rejuvenating in a way. I know for some, it stresses them out to "not do anything" and "waste time" but for me, every month I've given myself off from treatment has renewed me, given me a reminder that there is a life that God has given me and I need to live it! It helps me find purpose in all that I do.
I had done some research and found out that all I need is 4 cycles a year and that there are some that just do progesterone treatments to let it happen every three months. I will need to consult with a doctor about it to make sure it is the right course of action for me and my specific condition, but I think that is what I'd like to do if possible. I will continue to monitor my diet and exercise and hopefully get back on the Metformin. Currently I am fighting my insurance company about it and am deciding if its worth it in the end. We shall see.
Emotionally, I am pretty good. I have moments of calmness and clarity. Certain things and situations don't bother me as much anymore. Seeing children and pregnant women doesn't make my stomach tighten and my heart ache. Instead I think: "I am so grateful to God that those women do not have to deal with these struggles, or if they did, I am glad they found resolve." I still have aches every once in a while, but not painful ones, but those of wanting time to quickly, because I know sometime soon I will have my child, to love, to hold, to teach, and to learn from, to share experiences and stories with.
In the meantime, I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to those friendships I cherish so much, and it seems so difficult to do. Everyone seems to be moving on, getting into serious relationships, having their 1st and 2nd children, moving, changing jobs, going to grad school. I feel like I have lost a lot of time being so turned inward in the last year with the move, the job and treatment, that I may have neglected or alienated my friends. And for me, family and friendships are so essential for keeping me sane, and keeping me who I am. Without them I feel ... invisible. I need to feel needed, to feel like someone is thinking of me. I try to keep traditions, movie premieres, game nights, instant messaging, to still feel connected, and its hard. I forget, they are busy, responsibilities get in the way, sometimes its even that I get in my own way, worried that that person I am trying to connect with doesn't care, doesn't have time, energy. I don't know if its all the infertility, or if its also just part of growing up... I just cherish having history with someone, feeling like they know me, at different stages in my life, so that they can look at me and honestly say: I know you, and you are still you. But to be honest, I don't feel like I have anyone in my life at this point that can say that. My oldest friends are so far away that I feel like they don't know the me of now, the me after all that I have lived, they know the teenager. And the person closest to me knows the 20-something and now, but not the teenager... I guess that is why I keep them all around, because together they all know me, in bits and pieces. And I think that is still definitely a blessing.
So for now, I will love the life I have to live, the amazing husband I have been blessed with and to continue to love, to grow and to get strong to prepare for that awaited time.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The usual what ifs...
I can't help thinking that one way or another my life is going to change once again after Wednesday's testing. I feel the usual despair for feeling hope like I do every time. I don't want to tell myself, just let it go, because I want to be able to hope, but at the same time feeling hope causes me such anxiety because if I hope, and it works out like it has in the past, I feel let down and I fall apart again. More than anything I am scared of losing myself again, of being so devastated and upset that I stop living for days, weeks, like it did before.
I also ache for my husband, because I know how he feels, because he feels the same as I do, and both of us hurting and feeling let down means that one of us is going to have to be strong for the other, and unfortunately I am never able to be the strong one. I know how bad he wants this, I know that he feels hope this time as well... he keeps talking about baby names, and comes up with new ones every day or so. I can't tell him to stop because I can't take that away from him, but I can't think that far. I can barely get past this minute, this hour, this workday.
I wish I could stop feeling that pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. That I could go about my day and not feel like my ears are buzzing, or that my head is spinning. I am fighting myself so hard, to not think that I can't stop thinking.
I'm tired Lord.... I'm tired and I don't know what to do. Help me.
I also ache for my husband, because I know how he feels, because he feels the same as I do, and both of us hurting and feeling let down means that one of us is going to have to be strong for the other, and unfortunately I am never able to be the strong one. I know how bad he wants this, I know that he feels hope this time as well... he keeps talking about baby names, and comes up with new ones every day or so. I can't tell him to stop because I can't take that away from him, but I can't think that far. I can barely get past this minute, this hour, this workday.
I wish I could stop feeling that pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. That I could go about my day and not feel like my ears are buzzing, or that my head is spinning. I am fighting myself so hard, to not think that I can't stop thinking.
I'm tired Lord.... I'm tired and I don't know what to do. Help me.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
An important note
Dear readers,
Thank you so much for following me on my journey. I have been meaning to write this for some time now and I think it is crucial that I post this. I want to say something to those reading this, that are currently going through infertility, or those who haven't started and don't know what awaits them, or perhaps those reading that are concerned for friends or a family member.
I have gotten some feedback about some fears that my posts awaken, and I feel terrible for that. My posts I hoped were to raise awareness for PCOS, endometriosis, and the emotional aspects of infertility in general. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE's infertility journey is different. Especially with PCOS, where symptoms and levels of hormonal imbalance and insulin resistance are different for all of us.
My story is not yours, or any other stories you may read. Some may be uplifting because they had happy endings, and I look forward to writing mine when the time comes, but I know they can also be scary, as mine has been as of late. Please do not over-worry yourself for something that you are not sure will or won't happen to you.
I know that sometimes, those fears of the unknown are difficult to control, but my advice if you haven't started is that if you are thinking about it, are married and know that it is in your near future plans, start sooner rather than later. It will be less expensive in the long run, and hopefully less difficult the younger you start. You are never ready for a child, and there is no way to prepare yourself for it, it is better to make informed decisions and to remember the best advocate in any medical situation is yourself. The doctors can't read your mind, and you can change doctors if you are unsatisfied with the care you are being given. And most importantly of all, make sure you are doing this as a couple. Yes it may be your body, but the decision should be made together because the other is going to have to be your rock, your nurse, your time keeper/medicine reminder, your therapist, your shoulder to fall apart with, and have to deal with all that this journey comes with. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and strong husband to keep me together through all of this, and I can only hope that I am just as much of a support to him.
And as I have posted before RESOLVE is an excellent starting point if you have any doubts at all, or if you are encountering difficulties when trying to conceive.
Best of luck to you all, may God bless you, and thank you, for following me on this journey. Also.... feel free to comment :)
Thank you so much for following me on my journey. I have been meaning to write this for some time now and I think it is crucial that I post this. I want to say something to those reading this, that are currently going through infertility, or those who haven't started and don't know what awaits them, or perhaps those reading that are concerned for friends or a family member.
I have gotten some feedback about some fears that my posts awaken, and I feel terrible for that. My posts I hoped were to raise awareness for PCOS, endometriosis, and the emotional aspects of infertility in general. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE's infertility journey is different. Especially with PCOS, where symptoms and levels of hormonal imbalance and insulin resistance are different for all of us.
My story is not yours, or any other stories you may read. Some may be uplifting because they had happy endings, and I look forward to writing mine when the time comes, but I know they can also be scary, as mine has been as of late. Please do not over-worry yourself for something that you are not sure will or won't happen to you.
I know that sometimes, those fears of the unknown are difficult to control, but my advice if you haven't started is that if you are thinking about it, are married and know that it is in your near future plans, start sooner rather than later. It will be less expensive in the long run, and hopefully less difficult the younger you start. You are never ready for a child, and there is no way to prepare yourself for it, it is better to make informed decisions and to remember the best advocate in any medical situation is yourself. The doctors can't read your mind, and you can change doctors if you are unsatisfied with the care you are being given. And most importantly of all, make sure you are doing this as a couple. Yes it may be your body, but the decision should be made together because the other is going to have to be your rock, your nurse, your time keeper/medicine reminder, your therapist, your shoulder to fall apart with, and have to deal with all that this journey comes with. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and strong husband to keep me together through all of this, and I can only hope that I am just as much of a support to him.
And as I have posted before RESOLVE is an excellent starting point if you have any doubts at all, or if you are encountering difficulties when trying to conceive.
Best of luck to you all, may God bless you, and thank you, for following me on this journey. Also.... feel free to comment :)
Update and the 2ww
I apologize in advance because I am on 400 mg of Progesterone and am a bit on the down side, and I also had a recent death in the family.
I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.
My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.
The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.
I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.
I just want to feel like I can breathe again.
I did research on the scholarships and grants for international adoption and most of them require you to not be undergoing infertility treatment and to be in the process of adoption to be able to apply. It seems you have to have some sort of capital to start with, so I have to put this on hold again, at least until say "enough" with treatment. And we are getting there.
My doctor didn't give me much of a breather after the surgery.At my post-op, he said their were uterine fibroids (pre-cancer scary) and endo on my ovaries. He said we needed to "strike while the iron's hot" and that this month we were gonna go with Femara, and IUI, and cross our fingers. He said I had about 3 months before this all came back. I was pretty upset after that meeting, felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt the weight of the unfairness of it all... it really hasn't cleared up very much since, just pushed aside.
The Femara wasn't bad, except for I was really really tired most of the time. The IUI part of it was a bit frustrating. I lost my uncle who lives in my country, an uncle I loved dearly and was my dad's best friend, with a daughter almost my age. It hit very close to home and shook me up pretty bad. My whole family really. I had an ultrasound scheduled for that weekend... if it hadn't been for that, I would have gone home to accompany my mother on her trip and be there for my family who needed us. So I was pretty frustrated, I wanted to not be so selfish and be able to just leave, but I was shackled, this made me more upset. In the end the IUI got pushed back like 3 days because I was not getting a positive LH surge until later, and it had us both in waiting mode, not knowing how to adjust our schedules accordingly.
I am now on day 3 of the dreaded and aweful 2ww, on 400 mg of progesterone that makes me moody and tired, and I can't help but think about the devastation I felt the last time we tried, and it scares me to the bone. I now know I can't keep doing this. I have a life to live and if this is the hand I was dealt, than I can accept it. My husband and I talked about it, and we are in agreement. One more IUI max, if needed, and then I'm done. Then I can focus on the adoption, figuring out how that is going to work, and how to make money rain from the sky, fall from trees, spring out the earth, however, I heard God's calling and I know it will happen for us, somehow.
I just want to feel like I can breathe again.
Friday, August 23, 2013
A Whisper turning into a celestial shout
I believe in God. I have said that much so far in this blog, and all of my friends, acquaintances, and probably most co-workers know this. God is the center of my world. I have this belief that God has a path drawn out for us, a path that leads us to the ultimate joy in our lives. When we are most unhappy is when we are furthest from this path of His, when we are far from Him. I honestly believe this with all of my heart. During this journey, I have been angry, I have been resentful and upset for this portion of my path. I feel all of those things knowing inside that this is all part of it, and that God would NEVER put something in my life that He didn't believe I needed, or that I could survive, and come out stronger on the other side of it. I know that of all of the people in my life, if it is I that has to endure this, that my faith would get me through it, because he has put all of the right people around me to get me there. I am not doing this journey alone, and never really believed I did, even when I complained about my isolation.
I had begun to believe that as the journey got harder, it was because I wasn't getting something. I was missing a piece of the puzzle because I was SO focused on getting pregnant, of having a child of my own, on my terms, my way.
Then I began to get the whispers of adoption. My grandfather was adopted and that always made my heart twinge. Orphans, and foster children, their stories, always made something inside ache (and military families, but that I haven't figured out yet). So I began to think, perhaps I am so depressed because really, this journey is to make me see that we would make wonderful adoptive parents, and that out there, there is a child that is meant for me, that may not come from me, but that has our names in their hearts all the same.
I heard that song I posted about "Kings and Queens" that gave me joy, and I began to notice the adopted children that I worked with at church. I began to ask questions to address the fears that I had of psychological affects of adoption on children (fears that are still present but less important).
I knew that I would love to adopt given the opportunity and I was so blessed to have my husband be 100% on board with it. I realized that I would want to bring a child here from my own country. To give that child the opportunities my parents gave to me. All still just whispers and what ifs...
Today, I stayed home from work because I had been feeling crappy. I woke up, took a shower, in the shower I quickly decided on an outfit (this is relevant, stay with me). I rarely decide what to wear so easily, but I just knew which pant/shirt combo I wanted to wear today. Then, I went to pick out a purse, I was headed for the usual purse when I said to myself, I rarely wear my Nicaragua purse (a colorful purse that says NICARAGUA on it), I should wear it today, dust it off. So I do, now my outfit is colorful and complete. When DH came home, we went right back out and stayed out. We had dinner out, and decided to go to that comedy club that he saw yesterday, something to make me laugh and think of something else besides how crabby I have been lately. I didn't get a chance to go home and change like I usually do. We get there early, so we decide to wander around at a nearby shopping center, and come back about 20 mins before the show. I thought we could wander longer but DH said, he wanted to get good seats. So ok, back to the comedy venue. We get in and are in the lobby paying for the tickets when someone notices my purse and says "Are you from Nicaragua!?" so I turn around, smile and say "yes" This is where it gets weird. The friend of the person that asked me said "Really! I lived there for 2 years, and adopted two of my children from there!" and then I say "Really!? We have been thinking about adopting from there lately"... so how often do two strangers share this much information in the first minutes of meeting!? She tells me a little about her experience, and read my mind when I was hoping she'd share her info so I can get back in touch and get more information from her. She said now was the time, because of who was heading the orphanage, and that the staff is great, and that waiting time has gotten better.
In summary, a lot of encouraging information, and realizing that God's whisper to adopt has turned into Him jumping up and down in front of me shouting "I told you!!!"
So here I am, with this newly kindled fire in my heart, without being able to sleep, wondering how in God's name (literally) am I going to pull this off?? We are so in debt right now, we don't have a spare penny, or even any spare credit to begin to get this going, to hire a lawyer, who knows what else. I am wracking my brain, calling to God in prayer, asking him how to do this? I feel like this is the first ever true trial of faith He has ever placed for me. Others are nothing compared to this one. He is asking me to do something with which I have NO resources to complete. Like asking a me to feed a multitude with 2 loaves a bread and a fish.... So the first resource I will go to is the internet, surely there are scholarships, grants, something that might help us, at least to start. So here I go, God I hear you. I know. I trust in You.
Thank you for the neon sign your near sighted servant needed to see this clearer. Amen.
I had begun to believe that as the journey got harder, it was because I wasn't getting something. I was missing a piece of the puzzle because I was SO focused on getting pregnant, of having a child of my own, on my terms, my way.
Then I began to get the whispers of adoption. My grandfather was adopted and that always made my heart twinge. Orphans, and foster children, their stories, always made something inside ache (and military families, but that I haven't figured out yet). So I began to think, perhaps I am so depressed because really, this journey is to make me see that we would make wonderful adoptive parents, and that out there, there is a child that is meant for me, that may not come from me, but that has our names in their hearts all the same.
I heard that song I posted about "Kings and Queens" that gave me joy, and I began to notice the adopted children that I worked with at church. I began to ask questions to address the fears that I had of psychological affects of adoption on children (fears that are still present but less important).
I knew that I would love to adopt given the opportunity and I was so blessed to have my husband be 100% on board with it. I realized that I would want to bring a child here from my own country. To give that child the opportunities my parents gave to me. All still just whispers and what ifs...
Today, I stayed home from work because I had been feeling crappy. I woke up, took a shower, in the shower I quickly decided on an outfit (this is relevant, stay with me). I rarely decide what to wear so easily, but I just knew which pant/shirt combo I wanted to wear today. Then, I went to pick out a purse, I was headed for the usual purse when I said to myself, I rarely wear my Nicaragua purse (a colorful purse that says NICARAGUA on it), I should wear it today, dust it off. So I do, now my outfit is colorful and complete. When DH came home, we went right back out and stayed out. We had dinner out, and decided to go to that comedy club that he saw yesterday, something to make me laugh and think of something else besides how crabby I have been lately. I didn't get a chance to go home and change like I usually do. We get there early, so we decide to wander around at a nearby shopping center, and come back about 20 mins before the show. I thought we could wander longer but DH said, he wanted to get good seats. So ok, back to the comedy venue. We get in and are in the lobby paying for the tickets when someone notices my purse and says "Are you from Nicaragua!?" so I turn around, smile and say "yes" This is where it gets weird. The friend of the person that asked me said "Really! I lived there for 2 years, and adopted two of my children from there!" and then I say "Really!? We have been thinking about adopting from there lately"... so how often do two strangers share this much information in the first minutes of meeting!? She tells me a little about her experience, and read my mind when I was hoping she'd share her info so I can get back in touch and get more information from her. She said now was the time, because of who was heading the orphanage, and that the staff is great, and that waiting time has gotten better.
In summary, a lot of encouraging information, and realizing that God's whisper to adopt has turned into Him jumping up and down in front of me shouting "I told you!!!"
So here I am, with this newly kindled fire in my heart, without being able to sleep, wondering how in God's name (literally) am I going to pull this off?? We are so in debt right now, we don't have a spare penny, or even any spare credit to begin to get this going, to hire a lawyer, who knows what else. I am wracking my brain, calling to God in prayer, asking him how to do this? I feel like this is the first ever true trial of faith He has ever placed for me. Others are nothing compared to this one. He is asking me to do something with which I have NO resources to complete. Like asking a me to feed a multitude with 2 loaves a bread and a fish.... So the first resource I will go to is the internet, surely there are scholarships, grants, something that might help us, at least to start. So here I go, God I hear you. I know. I trust in You.
Thank you for the neon sign your near sighted servant needed to see this clearer. Amen.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Post Surgery
All went well. Endometriosis diagnosis was positive. I won't post much until after my post-op with the RE when I get all the gory details. Thank you for your prayers :)
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