Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Strength? or Naivity?

This has been the most calm I have ever been in during the dreaded 2ww. I'm not sure why... Maybe it has to do with how busy and interesting things are at work, or that the weather is getting nice, or that things are working out with the house buying situation.Sometimes I feel like its that I am jaded, all hope lost, and other times, its the complete opposite and I feel naive, thinking "maybe just maybe this time! Because I felt this, or did that."

I have been thinking about the RESOLVE Awareness week, and thinking about making this blog "public." Obviously it is, and people can read it or find it if they search, and choose to, but I was thinking about making a closer impact, in the lives of people I know. There are many reasons why one decides to tell the world about your "situation," disease, diagnosis... whatever you want to call it, and I have been thinking long and hard as to why I would want to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that I would want to do it to maybe, hopefully, prevent others from having to suffer in silence around people's stupidity unawareness...? I am struggling to find the right word. Its for all of those times when conversations go like:

"How long have you been married? So what are you waiting for?"
"Take your time having kids, and enjoy your freedom, cause then its all downhill from there."

or when having hinted or expressed trouble conceiving they say things like:

"You're still so young! Don't worry!" as if my husband, me and my doctors were overreacting.
"I had this friend that went on a vacation/adopted a kid and then BOOM! Got pregnant! You just need to relax!" ooooh that one gets my blood boiling.
"Maybe its stress??"
"Maybe you need to lose weight."
"Have you thought of IVF/Adoption?"  REALLY?? Gosh you are so smart, I didn't even know I had those options!

And I know they don't mean harm, but that is the point I am getting at... there is this sense that infertility is your FAULT, and that I am doing something wrong and clearly I should just "insert unsolicited advice here." I feel like I can help break that stigma, and reduce the insensitive commentary that could be hurting others and making this all the more difficult, at least within what I'd like to think is my mostly rationally-minded social circle. I may be risking exposing myself to all of that unsolicited advice, or pity, but if I can help others not have to suffer in silence like I have for the last 2 years, it could be worth it.

Words hurt. More than seeing pregnant women or happy babies after a BFN, more than annoying pregnancy annoucements of FB, its those words, that have been the hardest to deal with. Because in trying to avoid those conversations, I have isolated myself from others, avoided making new friends, especially if they are married, and I have avoided talking to married friends. Those conversations also reinforce that devil in my head that tells me everyday "This IS your fault, you ARE doing something wrong."

So on April 21, I will post about my infertility on Facebook, I will post links to this blog, and others that may help spread awareness, spread facts and information, so as to hopefully prevent regrets from those who start trying too late, but also to prevent more pain to those already in the process.

And as I tell myself on my toughest days: "There is an end to this, one way our another, I will find PEACE."

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