Trying to stay sane, again.

We had our IVF education class on Thursday and I was trying so hard to keep it together and not just burst out crying "I never thought it would come to this!" It was scary and overwhelming but I tried to think of it as an educational science class as much as possible and detach myself and my emotions from the information being given. I think in part I am still trying to do that, to think that the circumstances of this happening are still so far off. I know for some IVF is the only solution and they are excited to start it as I was cautiously excited to start Clomid.

I have a very difficult time assimilation changes to the plan I have built in my head. It can be something as simple as having plans for lunch out at noon and then having them cancelled, or it can be as mind blowing as thinking in 6 months I'll be pregnant, and 10 months later still wondering what is going on? I lose my focus, I can't imagine thinking ahead to the next step because my mind is still figuring out what to do about the plan change, my mind is very systematic like that.

At work I just want to scream "Everybody stop being happy and chatty, I am in pain!" It is obviously unfair and unrealistic that having everyone be miserable with me will actually help in anyway but its so hard to see what I think is others living their lives like any other day when my world just got turned upside down. Now, I am a rational, empathetic person and can understand that not everyone is having just an ordinary day and someone else might be in just the same amount or more pain that I am in, but that reality doesn't help either.

I'm ranting... this blog post is making no sense, like the thoughts in my head make no sense. But expressing it seems to be calming the knot in my throat and the fuzzy head I have right now.

I am sure there is something comforting I can tell myself right now, I am sure God has some wonderful wisdom to instill on me at this moment, but I can't hear it over all of the noise in my head. I just want to curl up and cry and pity myself and be scared for a minute or two... maybe tomorrow, cause I don't have time for it today.