Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Darn you overactive subconscience!

I didn't sleep well last night, or well, I slept, I didn't dream well. I don't know if I have mentioned before but one of the symptoms of PCOS is anxiety. My anxiety manifests mostly in the glorious form of night terrors. Apparently its not just a childhood thing. I have horrible dreams when my anxiety is not well controlled. I am on meds that I take at night to help me sleep, but sometimes there aren't enough meds in the world.

So last night I kept having this surreal dream of being in a family gathering where everyone is eating a family specialty called "raspado" and its essential a snow cone with fruit or milk based toppings. Its just sugar. Which of course is a manifestation of me being terrified of sugar since I have had to go back on the Metformin and it really hates when I eat anything too sugary. Anywho, back to the dream, so everyone is sitting around enjoying their sugary concoction when all of the sudden an alarm goes off and I excuse myself from the gathering, I had to go get an injection. Apparently there was some sort of chinese guru in the back room that was doing my injections (manifestation of the acupuncture debate I had with my husband). It was this horrendous needle and it made me feel so tired and sleepy that I just couldn't handle going back to my family gathering.

All of this doesn't sound to terrifying, but I woke up still very anxious and now thinking a million thoughts a second about the upcoming treatment and how scared I am about pumping all those meds into my body, and the logistics of it all, and how its going to work out with my work schedule, and all the other millions of questions that don't really need answers but are swimming around in head.

I had been trying to not think about it and suppress my anxious thoughts, but I started cramping the other day, a sure sign that AF is coming and this whole thing is about to "get real."

I'm at work trying really hard to keep it together but the exhaustion from poor sleep and the anxiety, as well as the fact that I feel like an outsider here really isn't helping. I have my great Startalk podcasts to keep my mind busy, and just wait till 8 hours from now when I can go home to the comfort of my husband and some mind-numbing TV.

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